Children of divorce

You are not only divorcing your partner, but your children too.

The issue of divorce has only recently been raised in Malta, with very strong arguments being given for both sides: those for, and those against. Whether this issue is accepted or rejected in the future, there are more than just religious beliefs to consider.

Very few people understand the short-term consequences that divorce has on the children of the separating parents. Fewer still understand the long-term impact of a divorce, with only those witnessing it first-hand able to fully appreciate its severity. Whether children are three years old, 13, or 30, their needs are rarely acknowledged, with all attention focused on the partners themselves. Costly battles in and outside of the courtroom leave very little time for empathy.

Even the most amicable divorce (which in itself is little more than a myth) can create more damage than is realised. There is the sudden division of the family, as well as the marginalisation of one strong, parental figure, whether that parent is the mother or father. Both play a key role in their children's lives, and the sudden departure of either parent leaves any child with questions to ask, and rarely are they given answers. If questions are answered, children are seldom given the answers that they are entitled to hear.

Those children who are too young to fully understand the situation must go through life almost blindly, herded from one parent to another in upsetting shifts and routines, or denied access to one parent completely. Even with their lives decided for them, the child will one day have the courage to ask the questions that they could not have asked previously. Then, will the answers be given, or will enough time have passed for a different story to have been woven, and the facts to have changed?

For older children, such as teenagers and adults, the strain of divorce is much harder to bear. Being able to understand the situation may not be a blessing. With the ability to form their own opinions, they are likely to challenge the beliefs of their parents. It is in such a situation that there is a rapid breakdown of communication, and the further apart a family can become.

These are only the short-term causes. What are the long-term effects of one parent's power over the other, one's prolonged absence, or even the loss of one parental figure? The splitting of a once stable family structure can lead to children feeling neglected, unstable, even unwanted. They are often prone to blaming themselves, with insecurities plaguing them into their adult lives.

Even years after a divorce, the scars are still there. Children grow up with tarnished memories of their childhood, permanently marked with that dreaded seven-letter word. They may find it difficult to open up to others, having kept so much of their own feelings behind closed doors for the sake of their parents.

With such a jaded view of marriage, how likely is it for these children to want to avoid marriage in the future. If not, then surely they too will see divorce as the "quick-fix" to their own problems, should they arise. Would this then not result in ever-increasing divorce rates, already apparent in countries across Europe? Does Malta need to become another country to add to the already unfavourable statistics?