Foot in mouth disease

Speaking live on television or radio is not as easy as it looks or sounds.

I've done it a few times and, although I have just about managed to avoid making a complete monkey of myself, it has been close on several occasions. Uncomfortably close.

However, there were a number of people from the sporting world who were not so fortunate over the past year or so.

From retired legends to professional commentators and from current stars to 'expert summarisers', they have all done their best to prove that the potential for cock-ups on live broadcasts is immeasurable.

If you don't believe me, just read this nice little selection. Here are some shining examples of what happens when you fail to engage your brain before putting your mouth in gear:

"Once you've thrown the javelin, it's out of your hands." - Tessa Sanderson

"It's throwing me in the deep end of the spotlight but we will muddle on." - Nick Faldo

"You can't change a team overnight in a couple of days." - Martin O' Neil

"Fourth spot is what we are aiming for. We don't want to be second best." - Phil Neville.

"A win is a win... except of course when it's not a win, then it's not a win." - Venus Williams.

"I said it pre-season. In fact, I may have said it before the season started." - Sir Alex Ferguson.

"In the second half, Barcelona threw caution to the window." - Gary Richardson

"Andy Johnson's gone 11 goals without a game." - Nigel Winterburn

"I'm not Lewis, but if I were me, I would be furious." - Damon Hill

"Farrell is made of steel and has the broken nose to prove it." - Sonia Macloughlan

"When he gets among the balls he does the lemming thing like a kamikaze pilot and falls on his sword." - Steve Davis.

Fantastic stuff. But apparently, if you really want to make a public fool of yourself in the media, it helps to be a former England manager.

"There's not many players who have hit Fabio Capello in the eye and made him put his hat on." - Glenn Hoddle

"It sounds, in many people's eyes, silly." - Graham Taylor

"It's a lot harder when you are 4-1 down than when you are 4-1 up." - Kevin Keegan

"You can only play against the opposition you play against." - Graham Taylor

However, as bad as those former managers are at public speaking, they all sound totally coherent in comparison to the undisputed king of the misquote - Steve McClaren. Here are some of his best from last year:

"It was a no-win situation for everyone. We knew we had to win and we did."

"He was running quicker than his legs could go."

"Wayne Rooney is inexperienced but he's experienced in terms of what he's been through."

"The gods didn't shine on Liverpool last night."

And, for a prophetic finale:

"We're not as good as we think we are. We need to go out there and prove that."

Having heard those little pearls of wisdom it is not hard to figure out why England performed so badly with him in charge. There's every chance the players couldn't understand a thing he said...

Juve been framed

Sometimes you just have to admire the audacity of the common criminal.

Over at Juventus, club officials became a tad suspicious when they realised 2,000 training tops had gone missing from their stores.

In a bid to find out where these tops were going they installed a hidden camera in the stock cupboard at the Vinovo centre then sat back and waited.

It didn't take long before caretaker Adrian Roberto Olivia appeared on the scene armed with bin bags which he then proceeded to stuff full of the exclusive €70 tops.

It turns out Olivia was selling them - unavailable on general sale - to supporters for up to €160 a go.

Not content with this little bit of business the shrewd chap had recently expanded his operation by driving consignments of the vests over to Spain where they were fetching up to €200 each.

When police raided his apartment they found 400 of the tops and a further 700 sitting in his van waiting for 'export'.

A few swift calculations tell me that Mr Olivia, had he not been rumbled, would have pocketed up to €400,000 from his dastardly scheme. Greed, it would seem, is what scuppered him.

Which leads me to an interesting point. How on earth did it take the club so long to notice the said items were going missing?

I can understand if 10 or 20 were unaccounted for. Maybe even a hundred. Natural wastage, light pilferage and all that. But 2,000?

Either they have the worst stock control system in the history of football, or their squad is much bigger than they are letting on...

The big game

Match of the weekend has to be today's clash between Manchester United and Chelsea.

For the third or fourth time this season we are going to be treated to a game which could go a long way towards deciding the destiny of the Premiership title.

Defeat for either team wouldn't absolutely rule them out, but it would make their lives that much trickier.

Ironically, both teams are going through what can be modestly described as sticky patches.

United are totally unable to dispatch teams with anything like the confidence they were doing last season. 1-0 wins, so long the staple diet of Arsenal, are now United's thing, and many of those have been unconvincing.

Added to that is the midweek Carling Cup defeat to Derby which can't have done much to boost the team's confidence.

But if United are a bit low on morale, then Chelsea are no better.

Scolari, the man I thought could be the missing link in Chelsea's performances, is not having the best of debut seasons.

Yes, they are second in the Premiership and through to the knock-out phase of the Champions League. But the team is not clicking. There are rumours of dressing room unrest and they could only manage a draw with mighty Southend in the FA Cup. Added to that they have now realised that Deco is a waste of oxygen.

Big Phil, rather than looking firm and in control as I would have expected, spends his post-match interviews shrugging his shoulders and blaming bad luck. All is not well at Stamford Bridge, I fear.

When the dust settles on this afternoon's contest I suspect neither team will have emerged from the battle victorious. Somehow it has draw written all over it.

And that will do neither side any good. But it will certainly put a smile on the face of Liverpool's fans...

Car trouble

I have to say I am not entirely surprised that Cristiano Ronaldo wrote off his new toy - a £150,000 Ferrari - trying to negotiate a bend in a tunnel.

Undoubtedly the lad has plenty of skill when it comes to dribbling, free kicks, shooting and passing.

But he's always been useless at taking corners.

This team will self-destruct in...

Until recently, I was under the impression that shooting yourself in both feet was an art form only the English football team had perfected.

Apparently not. The English cricket team are pretty darned good at it too.

With their most important tournament in years approaching this summer, you would have thought the team would be knuckling down and preparing to take on the Australians in the 2009 Ashes.

No such thing. Instead, they are busy ripping their entire structure apart.

Since his appointment as captain - a much bigger role in cricket than just about any other sport - Kevin Pieterson has clashed with England manager Peter Moores.

The relationship totally broke down this week when Pierterson threw his teddy out of the pram and issued the cricket board with an ultimatum: "Either he goes or I will."

Had this happened in the world of football the old men who run the English game would have dithered, panicked and tried desperately to paper over the cracks by getting the two men to call a public truce. They would then have gone for a nice lunch in Soho.

But cricket bosses are made of sterner stuff and essentially they told both Pierterson and Moores to get on their bikes on the basis that they were not prepared to put up with such childish nonsense.

An admirably decisive approach but one which leaves England in turmoil with the Ashes just a few months away. A new captain, new manager and a dressing room divided into pro- and anti-Pietersen camps.

Ironically, England have hit the self-destruct button at a time when Australia are in a bit of turmoil of their own.

The Aussies, current holders of the Ashes, are still coming to terms with the retirement of several major stars and lost a series on home soil last month for the first time in donkey's years. Several of their remaining stars are either elderly or completely out of form.

A normal team would seize the moment and pounce on their great rivals while they are at a low ebb. Kick them while they are down, sort of thing.

Pietersen and his colleagues, however, are too busy ripping the team apart to even notice their opponents problems.

How typically English.

sportscolumnist@timesofmalta.com