What was of 2008?

Dear readers, you will be more familiar with me as the weekly author of the paediatric advice section in The Weekender. However, I was asked to write this short article for The Times with regard to salient events over this last year, preferably in a light-hearted vein. I can but give it a try. Well, here goes.

The changeover to the euro brought with it the usual patriotic claims and counter-claims with regard to how the new currency should be called in Maltese - as if this really makes a difference. Still, an ewro? And is a small ewro an ewrina? This brings to mind the adage that nothing sexually/personal hygiene-related has a polite - or better still, non-vulgar - Maltese equivalent.

Which goes on to remind me of the occasion when my brother-in-law (a pharmacist by profession) attempted to translate the word penis into Maltese for the purposes of its inclusion in a drug package insert (the word not the penis). And failed to find a polite Maltese word for the male genitive organ. He (naively perhaps) called me to ask, in my capacity as the doctor in the house, for the formal pronouncement with regard to said translation. My instantaneous reply was naturally the zed word. To which he sarcastically retorted that it had occurred to him but he had discarded it. Hmm; to this date, I have still not thought of a satisfactory word that can be used in polite conversation. No, I know what you're thinking: pene is Italian. But I digress, as so often happens beyond 40.

Being a hospital chap, I have heard of the mouse head in our canteen, and, let's face it, who hasn't? It must have been shocking to the poor soul who encountered this decapitated rodent. But it's the poor misguided fellow's fault for trying to sneak into the country illicitly, as it were, in a bowl of salad. He can't have heard of the Schengen Agreement, which has abolished cross-border controls among the participating countries. He therefore had every right to visit the country and died in vain.

Why is he carping on about rodents, you wonder? Well, did you know that the capybara (Hydrochoerus hydrochaeris) of Venezuela is the largest rodent in the world? Adult capybaras may grow up to 130 centimetres (almost four and a half feet) and weigh up to 65 kg. They are great swimmers and have adapted to water through slightly webbed feet, no tail and have eyes, nostrils, and ears located on the top of their heads so as to remain out of water.

OK, you say, enough of the mice already, and on to men.

The annual budget has brought high utility rates. I still can't figure out how this is worked out in the current scenario of falling oil prices ($45 per barrel at the time of writing). Yes, yes we've been told that this is a simplistic way of looking at things and that the price of electricity is not directly related to the price of crude oil. But, surely, indirectly? I don't mean to rant or rave and I would genuinely be very satisfied with an arrangement whereby I paid all of my power and water consumption 100 per cent. But to be asked to foot the bill for subsidised households whose occupants work while registering for work and claim social assistance and to also be asked to pay for losses in the grid is just too much, particularly when said losses are mostly stolen electricity.

Still and all, we really ought to save electricity as we will have no idea, until they're actually built, what sort of power will be required to run the Mistra discotheque (or whatever it's going to be), the Għadira Bay road lights, the basement at St John's Co-Cathedral (tapestry illuminating lights etc) and all of the other projects that attempt to sneak their way into the public consciousness or simply bull their way through (if you're a minister, of course). Not to mention other projects simply dying to be done such as our opera house and the Valletta gate. Shame. Does someone have to have a backhander or a personal interest before anything ever gets done in this country?

Would things change if the Administration changed? We've been through yet another election and we've seen both sides come up with hilarious statements. Alfred Sant has left and that's at the very least good for his health. We'll have to see if Joseph Muscat is up to it as Leader of the Opposition and eventually, it is hoped (by almost half of the population, if not half of The Times' readers) as leader of the country.

Imagine the money we would save if we went one step beyond the US Constitution? This states that no one individual can be President of the United States for more than two terms. Imagine the bliss this country would have if the same applied to political parties? We might even have the Greens up there ...

Well, it is clear that this Administration wishes to be rid of the shipyards. Perhaps the Nats wish once and for all to rid themselves of a behemoth that can take to the streets and paralyse the country at will. But shame! I have friends and clients who work in both the shipyards and the shipbuilding facility. Can this "green" Administration not turn this highly-skilled workforce into a solar panel building facility and, in doing so, perhaps retain crucial skills that have been inherited and enhanced since the Knights of St John?

I have a dream... the roof of my daily workplace, Mater Dei Hospital, covered with solar panels. The roofs of the ministries and all government buildings clad with solar panels. Why ever not? The government could pay (as could the public for private use) at cost, just enough to pay the workers' salaries. There is no need to make a profit on such an enormous, environment-friendly endeavour. Why not? Sigh. Too late, I guess. Almost all of the workers have been hived off.

Or (and here's a thought) why weren't these highly-skilled workers used to revive Fort St Elmo and Fort St Angelo? Precedent exists. I very recently organised a conference at the Mediterranean Conference Centre, which, I am told, was restored by Lorry Sant et al. And, believe me, to my untutored eye, this was a spectacular job well done. Again, why not?

And closer to heart, a third of children are said to live with single parents and well over a quarter of children are born out of wedlock and all this in the setting of a falling birth rate. Whether we like it or not, even despite anybody's objections, it may well be up to the immigrants to support us in our old age!

Gates' Word tells me that I've reached 1,147 words and the remit was 1,000, so I will wrap up, as expected, by wishing you all a prosperous New Year. But, aye, and here's the rub, don't overindulge boys and girls; it really is bad for your health (see my recent Weekender article). And do be careful - don't drink and drive. And try to keep your hands off your neighbour's wife (or husband), even if under the influence and even if you are (almost) irresistibly and deliberately tempted.

I am not saying this out of any sense of morality but from the purely practical point of view. Do remember that the highest rate of separation registrations occur in the first three months of the year, an understandable consequence of being "found out" by the partner.

And for the youngsters out there - have a care. I don't believe that passionate sex is so overwhelming that you are unable to control yourselves in the heat of the moment and are thus willing to risk the consequences of unprotected sex: babies and diseases. And while the former may be raised, the latter may not necessarily be erased.