Here are my predictions for 2009

A new year beckons, with all the hopes and aspirations this entails. A new dawn of inflation, credit crunches, falling property prices, bankrupt banks, bailouts... I can hardly wait. Here are Sylvanus's - always spot on - predictions for the year ahead.

January: The FCNK hold another 'peaceful' march and demonstration in Valletta, to protest against the outlawing of bird trapping by the EU. Later, Lino Farrugia praises his members for showing restraint, since only 19 press photographers and 24 reporters were hospitalised. Mr Farrugia added: "They were obviously provoking my members."

Crude oil prices fall a further 20 per cent worldwide. In Malta, Austin Gatt announces the price of utilities and petrol will rise by a further 25 per cent across the board... and there will be no negotiation on the matter.

Norbert Jowell, when asked if he would welcome Barack Obama to Malta, replies: "Not if it means going anywhere near the Marsa Detention Centre."

Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando appointed mayor of Mistra.

February: The Joinwell Group announces there has been an unprecedented run on the sale of mattresses. Since the worldwide scandal in the banks, the public is turning to mattresses as the only safe deposit for their money.

Joe Corral the bookmaker is appointed manager of the Malta football team. At last they seem to have got it about right.

Austin Gatt denies categorically that his style of politics is reminiscent of Stalin, or worse, Mintoff.

March: Joseph Muscat denies categorically there is any disunity in the PL ranks: "Everyone is totally behind my leadership - and I'll prove it to you, just as soon as I can get rid of Motormouth and Dracula."

Paulo Borg Olivier enrols in evening classes in: "How to send e-mails."

Austin Gatt announces a brand new tax on personal emissions. I'll leave you to guess what that means.

April: PM Lawrence Gonzi makes a stirring, erudite speech that reverberates around the world. Just kidding... April fool.

PL General Secretary Jason Micallef, in a shock move, resigns his post and joins the Nationalist Party. In a statement he says: "I might as well, since I've got more friends in the PN than I've got at Mile End Road. And both of them encouraged me to do this.

The new Malta football manager Joe Corral tells the press that while he won't promise any greater success on the field, a new spread betting technique he has introduced into training should make the players some of the wealthiest in Europe.

Mintoff is awarded the Saddam Hussein Fun and Freedom Prize. KMB picks it up for him.

May: In order to help pay the enormous expense of running Dar Malta in Brussels, the cabinet gives RCC permission to take in paying guests. Vast deposits of oil are struck in disputed fishing waters midway between Malta and Libya. And in a groundbreaking agreement with Gaddafi, it is agreed that... Libya gets the oil and we get the fish... er?

In view of major influx of illegal Somali immigrants into the Marsa area, mayor of Marsa Ibrahim Massood decides to change the village's name to Little Mogadishu.

June: After lengthy negotiations, the government eventually accedes to Professor Edward De Bono's request to supply him with a palace for the setting up of his Maltese Academy of Thinking. This month sees the grand opening of the Edward De Bono Thinking Academy in the former Palace Snack Bar and Pizzeria in Valletta.

The Prime Minister announces that before he would ever sanction divorce in Malta... hell would have to freeze over.

The next day unusually low temperatures are recorded in Paceville. The value of the euro falls below that of the North Korean one.

July: Vince Farrugia names his eventual successor as head of GRTU. But the person selected immediately launches a blistering attack on Mr Farrugia. Obviously poor old Vince is having yet another bad heir day.

Iċ-Ċaqnu solves the dilemma of having to obtain development permits sanctioned by Mepa. He buys Mepa then dissolves it - problem solved. There is a boom in the sales of Scotch whisky locally. Well these days it's so much cheaper than water.

The Pope John 23rd Kindness Award is won by Mintoff. KMB collects it for him.

August: Glory be! Oil is struck in commercial quantities in the most promising of offshore zones to the south of Malta.

False alarm... the oil turns out to be from a slick of hair gel left behind after Lou Bondi took a dip off a yacht moored nearby.

An 87-year-old great grandmother with advanced senile dementia manages to hack into MITTS.

The Somali population of Mogadishu (formerly Marsa) petition the mayor to have the parish church converted into a mosque.

September: In a remake of Sergio Leone's The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, Clint Eastwood's role is to be played by Austin Gatt.

Marie Angelique Caruana's latest novel, What Graziella Did... Again and Again and Again, is short-listed for the Mann Booker Prize.

In a World Cup preliminary match at Ta' Qali, Malta lose 19-0 to Moldova, but win €200,000 a man from the bookies. Manager Joe Corral thus becomes the most successful Malta football manager ever.

Mintoff is awarded the Robert Mugabe Champion of Human Rights prize. KMB is vaccinated against cholera and again despatched to collect it.

October: Bertie Blizzi buys Dragonara Point and, through his newly formed company God Really Encourages Excessive Development (GREED) Ltd sets about turning it into another high-rise ghetto-like Tigne' Point and Manoel Island.

Air Malta in-flight meals are nominated for a prestigious gold medal by the Bogstandard Organic Fertiliser Company.

The PM's avowed intent to make the cabinet even slimmer reaches its logical conclusion, when he dismisses all of his ministers with the obvious exception of Austin Gatt... who now becomes minister for everything else.

Eileen Montesin makes both the Tony and Bafta shortlists with Dejjem Tiegħek Becky.

November: The PM announces that, to offset the energy crisis, eight wind farms are to be set up around the Maltese Islands. And in order to fuel them, the government is investing in the importation of 250 containers of baked beans.

Daphne Caruana Galizia decides to retire from journalism, because, since Alfred Sant retired, there's nobody left worth slagging off.

Property prices in Malta fall to an all-time low. A villa (with pool) in Madliena can now be purchased for the price of an illegal boathouse in Ġnejna. Mintoff is awarded the Pol Pot Jolly Good Bloke and Humanitarian of the Millennium Award - and yes poor old KMB has again to go and fetch it for him.

December: In this year's L-Istrina; as well as prancing politicians and cross-dressing 'celebrities', we are promised gyrating judges and ballet dancing businessmen. I can hardly wait.

PBS announces the imminent return of Tista' Tkun Int. Sales of satellite dishes shoot up by 70 per cent.

Mintoff awards Gaddafi the Dom Mintoff 'Not in the Interests of the People Human Rights Prize'... 'nuff said.

And a very happy new year to both my readers.