Yes ladies, it's that time of year again; the time of year we call Christmas. When we housewives busy ourselves in the family home to ensure that our loved ones get just what they deserve. As we all know, Christmas is a time for sharing... for sharing gifts, for sharing goodwill and good cheer.

Every housewife knows how important it is to have a beautifully decorated home at this time of year... and I'd like to help you to have an even more beautiful home than you had last year, or indeed than all the neighbours. Oh I know it's so easy to pop down to the shops and buy in all your sparkly Christmas decorations, but how much more satisfying it is to make your own.

And I'm going to tell you just how you can do this.

Get a pile of those cardboard bits that the toilet roll winds around and cover each one lovingly with tin foil... now string them all together in a unique and most attractive paper chain, beautiful enough to enhance any living room.

Oh, and here's a tip about Christmas cards. We all know that people are economising in this department; including those who think they can dodge the issue by putting a two-line greeting in The Sunday Times. So... keep all your old cards from previous years, and then string them along your walls.

But remember to string the old cards much higher than this year's lot. Then you can con your friends and acquaintances into believing you've got many more Christmas cards than they have because they won't be able to see the greetings or the date written inside the old cards. A cunning little ploy, but a successful one.

And what else does Christmas stand for? Yes, that's right... mega drinky poos. And our house is no exception. Fortunately, my hubby is a banker so there's never any shortage of free scotch in our place at Krissy tide. Last year per ezempju we finished up with no fewer than 47 bottles of whisky, nine bottles of cognac, five bottles of vodka, two Campari... and some funny purple-coloured stuff.

This year has not been a great one for bankers in general, so we're not holding our breath for a repeat of previous years' beverage bonanzas. But - we have a contingency.

Yes, we're making our own. We've had a ton-and-a-half of potatoes fermenting in the downstairs WC ever since the financial crisis broke... and this week we're aiming to distil the liqueur. We're looking forward to our first hangover.

But what would Christmas be without children? A hell of a lot quieter and considerably cheaper.

But short of gagging the little sods and taking out a massive bank loan, what can be done to ensure they enjoy the festive season as much as you do? Frankly nothing, so I'd advise you to stump up for that new Playstation game straight away. At least it should keep them quiet for an hour or two.

Christmas is a feast and feasts mean food. So today I'm going to tell you all how to serve the perfect Christmas turkey. First catch your turkey; not as easy as it sounds.

Some people even prefer blasting away at the poor creature with a 12 bore, from a safe distance. Of course, if you don't fancy a live one, you could always buy a frozen turkey (giblets inside) at your local supermarket or butcher. Pop it in the oven for... as long as it takes and serve hot. Simple eh.

Now lots of people claim that turkey is a tasteless meat. Rubbish! All you need to do is to enhance its flavour with some other strong flavour. Ever tried peppermint turkey? It's certainly different.

So enjoy the festive season and always remember the true spirit of Christmas, which is: Never send cards to those who don't send any to you. Buon Natale.