The 'so shall' pages

What was undoubtedly the wedding of the year took place recently. It was between Shania, daughter of Mr and Mrs Eddie Brincat Camilleri of San Ġwann and Craig, son of Mr and Mrs Wayne Gorblimey of Stepney, London.

After the ceremony in the Basilica of Saint Wendy the Limp, (for which the flowers bill alone came to five... yes, five figures) a grand reception was held for 700 guests (plus gatecrashers) at Gladioli Gardens and explosives store, San Ġwann.

Here and now the bride's parents would like to quash - once and for all - the malicious rumour, currently circulating that their fat, ugly cow of a daughter was so desperate to land an English husband, she grabbed the first drunken yob that fell off the flight from Stansted.

After the reception (which cost €240,000 incidentally) the happyish couple left for a honeymoon touring the plastic surgeons and liposuction clinics of Bangkok.

Malta Nasty Party's annual Christmas bash

The annual Christmas bash for members of the Malta Nasty Party was held recently at the Chihuahua's Lair, San Ġwann. After a delicious meal of wieners and saukraut, the guests were treated to one of his inimitable seasonal rants, by their oberfuhrer Norbert Jowell.

In a hard hitting - yet festive dissertation, he urged all those present to put aside all racial and political prejudices at this time of year and to express joy and love towards their neighbours... just as long as their neighbours didn't happen to be black, Jewish or in any way tinted.

The evening climaxed with an emotional solo rendering of the Horst Wessel song, sung by Mr Jowell in his beautifully modulated contralto.

Seasonal get-together of San Ġwann Ladies Devotional Group

The seasonal get-together of the San Ġwann Ladies Devotional Group took place last Friday in the crypt beneath the St Emmanuelle Oratory. After taking tea and prunes in the crypt, the ladies sat down to watch a film based on the selfless and pure life of their patron St Emmanuelle.

However, this normally joyous devotional occasion was somewhat marred this year, when the film they expected to see had been replaced by another... of a rather inappropriate nature.

And at this juncture, the ladies would like it known that the reason why they endured this scatological filth through to the end, had nothing whatever to do with - as some scurrilous rumours would have it - the fact that the ladies wanted to see how she would do it next... but everything to do with the fact that all the ladies present were far too shocked and traumatised to get up and switch off the projector.

People

Godwin Borg Sant, 19, eldest son of Mr and Mrs Borg Sant of San Ġwann, has returned to Malta after becoming the first ever Maltese student to obtain the highest distinction grade in his GCSE Welsh language exam.

His teacher opined that although Mr Borg Grech's academic grasp of the Welsh language was somewhat tenuous, his deep and intimate knowledge of certain aspects of sheep breeding definitely went some way to attaining this result.

Mr Borg Grech is shortly to take up a senior position with the Malta Ministry of Agriculture artificial insemination unit.

For your diary

The Friends of your Local Wardens - San Ġwann branch - are holding a grand Christmas party in the boot of senior warden Charles Mercieca Cauchi's Smart car. All are welcome.