Being a parent is one of the most self-fulfilling roles in life. However, this role is constantly being challenged throughout the various stages of the child’s growth and if not handled efficiently it can be detrimental to the child’s psychological development. In this article, I address some of the child-rearing issues that Maltese parents are confronted with in relation to adolescents – namely between 14 and 18 years of age.
I am basing this discussion both on my own personal experiences as a mother of two young adults and my academic work, more specifically my doctoral research project entitled “Life satisfaction of adolescents across cultures: A study in Malta and Australia” (2005).
It is a well-established fact that Maltese parents have children very much at heart. We are ready to sacrifice ourselves to meet their needs especially when they are growing up. However, a close examination of child-rearing practices indicates that although parents mean well, they are not aware of their children’s psychological and psychosocial needs, let alone have the ability to meet those needs. This is generating an emotional distance between parents and children.
Maltese parents, for example, are highly supportive of their children at an instrumental (material) level. They do what they can to give them the opportunity to have a better life than they themselves did. However, when it comes to emotional support, most parents are not providing it. Instead of acknowledging ‘ their children’s feelings, showing compassion and understanding, parents are more likely to respond in a critical manner that is far from constructive and effective to the child’s subjective wellbeing. Constructive criticism is critical for a child’s healthy psychological development. But the criticism that I’m referring to is not only not constructive but very destructive. It makes them feel humiliated, worthless and degraded. It cuts right through the core of their being. According to the literature, this type of criticism is not limited to Maltese parents. It is common among parents from Southern European countries.
As Maltese parents, we need to be aware of such destructive criticism. I remember as a parent myself I realised that I was using this approach towards my own children when they were growing up. I did not have the education and the skills that I now have. With due respect to my mother, I was using the same approach that my mother used with me. That realisation was quite a turning point in my life with regards to my own parental skills.
From the study that I conducted in Malta, most parents are not meeting the emotional needs of their children whether they are aware of it or not. When conflicts between parents and children arise, adolescents feel that “il-genituri ma jifhmukx” (parents do not understand you). By that, we mean parents not only do not understand the situation in question, but they are also not understanding – in other words they have no empathy, among other things. Parents are not ready to listen. Instead, they are quick to exert an authoritarian approach and say “ghax hekk ghidt” (because I said so). Therefore whatever the parents say goes without even considering the children’s side of the argument.
This lack of understanding/listening skills is discouraging children from opening up to parents in times of need. Instead, they may try and reach out to friends if possible. But in many cases, friends do not trust each other because of the fear of gossip that is quite common in Malta. Most of the time, adolescents end up bottling their personal problems inside. Such behaviour is likely to generate a sense of sheer isolation, of being on their own even in the middle of a crowd. It is also hindering children from developing a trusting relationship especially with their parents.
The research project that I conducted shows that Maltese parents are highly psychologically controlling. This manifests itself in manipulative behaviour through which parents attempt to shape their children’s behaviour by three main strategies: inducing guilt, anxiety and withdrawing love. Excessive parental expectations and achievement demands are also considered as a means of attaining psychological control. Children that are subjected to parental psychological control are more likely to experience high levels of anxiety and depression, and lack of self-empowerment, self-confidence and self-esteem.
The issues that I’m raising are quite sensitive. As such they need to be addressed with great understanding and compassion. As Maltese parents, we come from a nation and a culture that highly valued an authoritarian approach for its survival over thousands of years. Although as a nation we have come a long way, at an individual level we are still lagging behind in our psychological needs. In addition, the intergenerational traumas most likely are still unresolved and are having significant implications on our daily lives, including our child-rearing practices.
Due to historical circumstances, our parents and ancestors were more concerned with survival issues. Meeting their individual/psychological needs was not a priority. However, like most developed countries, we as Maltese are now moving from scarcity needs to security needs. Indeed, material acquisitions are losing their salience once basic needs are met. Many times concerned parents make such comments in relation to their children: “They have everything. But they are still not happy. What is it that they want?”
Maltese adolescents in contemporary society are faced with enormous challenges in life. Besides going through adolescence that is a crisis in itself, these adolescents are confronted by many cultural changes, including attitudes, values and beliefs that are in conflict with the traditional culture.
As parents we need to create a warm, loving environment that helps adolescents meet the challenges in life – an environment in which adolescents feel accepted for who they are. Adolescents also need to be in (and want to have) an environment in which they can express themselves both verbally and emotionally without fear of being ridiculed, humiliated or emotionally rejected. This is what adolescents are yearning for!
In this article, I just skimmed over some issues that relate to child-rearing practices within the Maltese culture. In a nutshell, we as parents need to start building bridges between “us and them” and narrow the emotional gap that exists between parents and adolescents in contemporary society.
Dr Borg is a lecturer at Victoria University, Melbourne. She specialises in mental health across cultures. Recently, she has been awarded the Vice Chancellor’s Award for Excellence in Teaching. Dr Borg is also the founder of The Maltese Connections Project – www.malteseconnections.com. The Public Library in Vajringa Street, Victoria, Gozo holds a copy of Dr Borg’s doctoral research project.
Source: Child Magazine, December 2008