It's stupid time...

Yes folks, it's yet another naff, no-brainer TV quiz, coming to a set near you, courtesy of a local television channel. And yes... it's even more mind numbingly awful than Deal or No deal (if that's possible).

It's to be called: Cerebral Meltdown and it guarantees to do just that. It has been carefully designed - by our experienced panel of intellectually challenged experts - to rot the few remaining brain cells our contestants may or may not still possess.

But there's more to it than just another tedious, contrived, mind-numbingly dreadful local TV quiz show. This one has auditions as well. Each contestant has to undergo a simple IQ test off camera. It actually takes place in the car park outside the studios; we don't allow any old riff raff into the building.

The IQ test comprises three questions:

Question one: What is the first letter of the alphabet? (Of course everyone gets this right and even if they don't know the answer they invariably qualify because we ask the question in such a low tone they always reply: "Eh?" Which is - of course - the correct answer.

Question two: (This is actually a bit harder, to sort out the scarily thick from the totally moribund) Take your time, but when you think you're ready tell me... your name. You don't have to spell it, just remember it.

This one sorts out the sheep from the goats, I can tell you.

Question three: (Answer this and we'll guarantee you a place on Cerebral Meltdown) How many cans of beer are there in a six-pack?

See, I told you it was tricky. Actually only about 12 per cent of would-be contestants get this right.

OK fine, let's go with the lucky 12 per cent and send them to make-up ready to appear on... parrum! Parrum! Cerebral Meltdown.

The quiz itself is dead simple (it has to be). Each contestant is asked six general knowledge questions. For each one he or she gets right... a light will illuminate on the console in front of them. Six lights and they win the star prize. Don't worry it hasn't happened yet. Six correct answers? Oh purleeze!

But, here's the twist. For every wrong answer they have to pay a forfeit. This can vary (depending on the quiz master's mood) from mild stuff like being immersed up to their necks in chicken dung, to the truly awful like being forced to watch three repeats of Tista Tkun Int or Nies Ta Veru. Yes I know... gruesome.

But, in the unlikely event of a contestant getting all six questions correct, what will they win?

Actually the star prize is a two-week, all expenses paid vacation in the Kandahar Hilton, in Helmand Province, Southern Afghanistan. Not much to ask for a luxury holiday in the sun, is it?

The second prize (for someone who gets five answers correct) will be a pizza for two at the Pizza Pop Inn (luxury toppings and cutlery invoke a €10 surcharge). We haven't actually had to give this one away either yet, but we've come quite close.

Just last week contestant Wenzu from San Gwann answered no less than four questions correctly. The fifth question was: What is the total number of fingers that you possess? He hadn't graduated onto double figures in his counting lessons yet, but it was close.

So... if you have a mental age of two-and-a-half and are feeling lucky; all you've got to do is apply (or get somebody who can write to apply for you) to: Cerebral Meltdown, TV Towers, San Gwann.

And may the best idiot win.