Hands up all those who dial a corporation and long to hear a non-recorded human voice on the telephone. All those bland, impersonal, patronising mid-Atlantic recorded voices that spew out rubbish like: "Your call is important to us".
Whenever I hear that sort of bunkum I feel like shouting back down the phone: "No it isn't, or you'd employ a real human being to take it"!
So I, Sylvanus, am mounting a one-man crusade against electronic answering services. From now on, every time I get a disembodied voice on the phone, I shall shout something obscene into the mouthpiece and tell the robot on the other end that I shall not be dealing with his/her firm, department, whatever until he/she decides to employ a real person to man (or preferably woman) his phones.
But the whole disembodied thing got me thinking and taking the concept to its logical conclusion... I fantasised on a whole lot more nightmare telephone scenarios. I'll show you what I mean:
Electronic call no. 1:
"Oh hello. Peace, love and all you'd wish yourself... This is Paradise Incorporated. Your call is important to us - so, so important. Hold the line please and we will connect you to a higher plane." (A rather dreary loop of 'Hark the Herald Angels Sing drones out for what seems like an hour, but is actually, only actually 90 seconds)
After which another creepily virtuous female voice spews up the litany.
"God bless you, you have reached Paradise Limited; dial one for the Pearly Gates admissions department; dial two for the Elysian Fields spa and fitness centre; dial three for Music Room - harp lessons while you wait; dial four for the reincarnation refit and retread section."
And, of course, all that would then be repeated in 287 languages.
And then there's the other place. They've cottoned on to this corporate electronic disembodied telephone rubbish very quickly indeed.
Electronic call no. 2:
"Hell-oo. You have reached 666 666 the Hellfire Corporation. Hold the line dammit."
Long delay while a particularly loud loop from the Black Sabbath album Paranoid tests the resilience of the caller's eardrums. Eventually another electronic voice takes over.
"Hell-oo. If you require the purgatory department, dial one. If you require fireplaces and brimstone, dial two. If you require the gas-fired furnace section, dial three. If you require sales and marketing, dial four. Or hold the line for further assistance."
Electronic call no. 3:
"Good morning. You have reached Madame Glenda's superior standard brothel and tea-rooms. If you require premium quality, nubile young girls, dial one. If you prefer older more experienced ladies of the night, dial two.
For hoary old slappers, dial three. For free medical examination and course of penicillin, dial five. For tea rooms, dial 7483 4211 8876 8090."
Electronic call No 4:
After dialling, the phone is answered by a macho-sounding American voice:
"Well, hi there. As you are aware, you have dialed (sound of off-key fanfare) chat to a star!
A second, but mercifully shorter blast of the same wobbly fanfare.
Hold the line please, while I put you through to our superstar hotline."
We now get an interminable loop of the theme song from Fame. This eventually cuts and the next voice is one of those squeakily irritating: Oh my gosh! Female American voices that could enthuse for the planet.
She yelps: "Thank you for dialing chat to a star... and what a line-up of superstars we have gotten for you today. If you'd like to talk to Keanu Reeves... (Yummy, yum), dial one. If you'd rather chat to Scarlett Johansson, dial two. If fab-u-lous Johnny Depp is your bag, dial three. If you'd like to chew the fat with Shrek, dial four. For Clark Gable, dial five. To talk with Marilyn Monroe, dial six. For Mickey Mouse..."
...and so on, and on and on. Until the call has cost you a month's wages and you've yet to speak to anybody human and alive. Cute!
I don't know where this electronic telephone business is going, but I sure as hell don't want to go there.