Flash f(r)iction

'Real People', is a slogan used by advertising agencies in a bid to make us believe that the people we see in their campaigns are not paid actors or models, and that the photographs and films have not been airbrushed or otherwise manipulated.

I thought it was one such promotion last Sunday afternoon, having zapped to Net Television mid-programme; a succession of people were seen walking down Republic Street, in Valletta, most of whom were carrying Marks and Spencer bags.

This turned out to be a candid camera skit - the familiar one where a person holding a map asks someone for directions, and a third party deposits something (a child, a dog on a leash, a bouquet of flowers...) and makes a run for it.

In this case, the stooge was a lady who ostensibly wanted to know the way to Mediterranean Street, and the comic was a man who tried to hand over an attaché case to the victim.

The skit in Paprati was repetitive, but this is understandable because otherwise it would not have been worth setting up; and so after the first few takes it ceased to be funny.

My complaint is that the woman was heard exclaiming, at least three times, loudly, a superfluous interjection before asking whether the briefcase contained a bomb - and she certainly wasn't praying.

Saying "that is how people speak" is neither here nor there.

The same thing happened in Five 06, the excellent yet somewhat claustrophobic drama on TVM being aired on Sunday nights, with a repeat on E22 on Tuesdays.

At one juncture, two of the girls were having an altercation, and one of them insulted the other using a word, albeit in common parlance, that many of us have been trying for ages to eradicate from the vernacular use in exactly such a situation, for starters.

There will always be the words given in ingredients lists for recipes that will create a lot of discussion.

Recently, 'chives' was given as 'basal żgħir'. Many people would say that 'tiny onions' are best described as 'pearl'. Leeks are also known as kurrat - but to most of us, chives are those perennials belonging to the same family as onions, leeks, and garlic, that grow in clumps from underground bulbs and have round lilac blooms. Many of us keep a pot of them, and cut off as much as we need.

These are but typical examples of the misuse of the language that goes on all day, every day. It is why terms like skutella, sjuna, bieqja, lembija, and hawt are no longer in use by most people - who substitute them with the English word 'bowl' as a one-size-fits-all alternative.

Similar language errors occur across the board - the news bulletins, this week, were dotted with the word 'vendi' as a plural for 'venda' (bus terminus) rather than 'vened'.

Journalists take down notes as public figures speak. Sometimes they cite deadline constraints for not having presented the full details of an issue.

However, I would have thought that there is someone in every station whose job it is to monitor everything that goes on air. A mistake that appears once must not be allowed to remain uncorrected, again and again.

Besides, I doubt the wisdom of having people whose command of English, or Maltese is not strong, take part in lengthy discussion programmes, or even doing voice-overs for advertisements.

When I was a guest on a radio programme, last week, somehow the topic transmuted from writing in general to the specific use of language. One caller insisted that this column, week after week, highlighted only the negative aspects of local broadcasting.

The random examples above may appear to strengthen this person's opinion. However, unlike printed matter, the spoken word is transient - and so "I heard it on the radio" means that errors of syntax or language meld into everyday use simply because they are repeated ad nauseam by a person who has a great following, until they are ingrained into the speech patterns of the viewers and listeners.

This is not the way language is supposed to evolve.

• The UTV religious channel said it has temporarily stopped its transmission in order to upgrade its facilities.

For people who are unable to receive the channel anyway, this news means nothing - unless 'upgrade' means making it available to all those who would wish to see it without purchasing addition services. As it is, even when the new improved version comes on air, a cross-section of the population still will not be able to enjoy it.

• I am all for encouraging new talent - but this does not mean allowing pre-pubescent children dressed in lap-dancers' clothes to gyrate provocatively to music, or singers who show us a lot more than their voice? Are there actually people, except doting parents and paedophiles, who actually watch this rubbish?

• The good news (ah! so there is some) is that Radju Malta has decided to overhaul its Saturday programming, with a line-up of presentations that will affect the listenership statistics for the better.

• Filming for Santa Monika: The Movie is currently under way. The film will première on January 28, and the plot switches somewhat away from the storylines in the 65 episodes in the television series. Sandra Davies (It-Tmien Nota) and Mark Mifsud (Giżelle) will be joining the cast.

television@timesofmalta.com