Real carnations can be a nightmare

"Pa!"

"Yes, son."

"What do you know about real carnations?"

"Real... carnations? As opposed to what? Plastic ones?"

"No, real carnations."

"Know about them, not a lot. Although I did wear one at your Auntie Rachel's wedding, didn't I?"

"No... I mean, you know when you die as you, then come back sort of, as someone or something else."

"Oh, you mean reincarnation."

"Yeah that's what I said real carnations. Well - do you believe in it?"

"Dunno, why?"

"Cos there's this boy at school who says he's a Buddhist - and that's what they believe... I think."

"Oh, right."

"So do you believe in it?"

"Like I told you, I don't know. Be nice though, wouldn't it, to pop off as poor old penniless me, then wake up 10 minutes later as Bill Gates."

"Er... I don't think it works like that."

"No? Then how does it work, son?"

"Well; according to Pau, that's the boy at school... his Ma is from Burma... or is it Bormla? Anyway, according to him, you can't really choose what you come back as. It could even be something like a fly. One minute you're lunching on a pile of dog poo... you look up and pow! Somebody squashes you flat with a fly swat."

"Ooh nasty, that's almost as bad as getting reincarnated as a rare or endangered bird species and then having to fly across Malta in - or out - of the hunting season."

"So tell me Pa, who or what would you like to get real carnationed as?"

"I thought you said we couldn't choose."

"No, but if you could?"

"Well... having given it some serious thought - and weighing up all the pros and cons, plus all the possibilities. I think I would like to get reincarnated as Pamela Anderson's bra."

"It has to be an animal or an insect or something."

"Couldn't she have a bra made of real fur?"

"Not really."

"OK then, I think I'd like to come back as Brad Pitt. 'Cos not only would I have lots and lots of money, I'd also get to sleep with Angelina Jolie."

"I know who I'd really, really like to come back as?"

"Go on, amaze me."

"If I get real carnationed I'd like to come back as Superman."

"Well yes, a super hero, why not. That's nice and positive, flying all over the place doing good and saving the planet."

"Yeah all that stuff and have you seen the bazoomahs on the chick that plays Lois Lane?!"

"Hmm, I thought there might be another reason."

"Mind you Pa, I would quite fancy being real carnationed as a politician."

"Oh, why?"

"Cos then I could make a career out of telling whopping great porkies and get paid for doing so."

"Fair enough."

"Pa, when Nannu's donkey Herbert dies, will he get real carnationed?"

"Er... yes, why not?"

"And what about President George W. Bush?"

"Him as well, if there really is reincarnation. Mind you..."

"What pa?"

"Even if it did happen and Herbert the donkey came back as George W. and the Presi- dent resurfaced as Herbert, it might be a bit tricky to tell them apart."

"What about Ma? What do you think she would get real carnationed as?"

"Well if I know your mother, it'd probably be as a cage-full of chattering monkeys. But don't tell her I said so."

"It's quite fun this, isn't it... being real carnationed?"

"It's a fairly futile exercise, if you ask me son. Since it's highly unlikely that reincarnation actually happens."

"So Pa, what do you think happens when we... you know, snuff it."

"I really don't know son. I suppose I'd like to think we'll all be up there in heaven taking harp lessons and learning to fly solo. But if you've been really bad in this life... "

"What happens?"

"Well then, you'll go to the other place."

"Not..."

"Yes, I'm afraid so. Your worst nightmare... Paceville!"