Adriana Glottal-Stoppe

Hi there, losers!

Yes, of course, it's me again, all ready and willing to put your grasping little minds to rest concerning your gripes and moans about the wonderful world of Maltese commerce.

As ever, I have a full mailbag, so, let's get right into this week's debunking session.

Dear friend of the friendless (That's me, AGS)

To celebrate my nannu's 97th birthday I bought him a gift-wrapped present of a family-pack size of some Dry Fly incontinence briefettes. Nannu was delighted with my thoughtful gift and immediately donned a pair.

Sadly, when I returned later in the day to see how effective my gift had proved... (I don't wish to go into any unseemly details but - ) suffice to say that my nannu's ground floor sitting-room rather resembled Valley Road, Birkirkara, after the September floods.

I am distraught and he is very, very soggy. What I want from you is to know my rights re compensation for being sold a faulty product... several pairs of faulty products.

Tonio Azzopardi Gray, Cospicua

I replied thus:

Dear idiot,

I cannot believe you've actually had the nerve to write to me on this matter! Don't waste my time, dunderhead. It would seem that you, are as wet as your nannu's sitting room. For heaven's sake man, don't you realise Dry Fly incontinence briefettes are supposed to leak. It's a design feature that gets fresh air to the parts that other incontinence briefettes can't reach. So stop whining and wise up!

And that's a mild moan compared to this bellyaching bint.

Dear saviour of our sanity,

I recently received an e-mail from a Dr Bongo Chowoomba from Kanu, Nigeria. Dr Chowoomba's e-mail gave me the wonderful news that - even though I hadn't actually entered the lottery - I had won the first prize of $100 million. All I had to do to claim my prize was to let the good doctor know what my bank account number was and he would deposit my winnings straight into my account. Naturally I did this without delay and waited expectantly for all that lovely money to land in my account.

However, to my surprise, no money was ever deposited into my account, but 24 hours later, when I checked to see if the money had arrived, my bank informed me that not only had no money been deposited, but this account, which had contained some €54,200 had been emptied of all funds and now had a zero balance.

I find this very strange, don't you? And I wonder if you could advise me on how I can get my hands on my winnings?

Miriam Debono Sant (Mrs)

I replied thus:

Strange you should say that, Mrs Debono Sant, since exactly the same thing happened to me. I advise you to do what I did. Place your bank deposit book under your pillow when you go to bed. And maybe, when you wake up in the morning, the money fairy will not only have filled up your bank book with your winnings, but also restored your original balance. It hasn't happened to me yet, but I live in hope.

On a positive note:

Not all government bureaucrats are unsympathetic jobsworths. Here's one saga that ended happily.

Dear Adriana... May I call you Adriana? (No, but go on, AGS)

As you know, I recently sought your help and advice on a problem that has beset me and my family for some time. I asked for your help when some bureaucrat nitwit sought to ban me from practising my hobby of manufacturing fireworks in my garage. The wholly spurious reason given pertained to the fact that my garage has three flats built over it and the presence of a modest fireworks factory on the premises could endanger the lives of people living above it.

Happily, with your help, the situation is resolved and I have been given the official go-ahead to carry on with my hobby... unhindered. Common sense prevailed.

Yes my friend, common sense. and a cousin who happens to occupy an exalted position in the government. Long live democracy.