Follow my leader

"Well, the first thing he's got to do is get rid of that silly little beard."

"Beard?"

"Well, OK, bumfluff."

"Makes him look like an Italian game show host."

"Did you tell him that?"

"Not yet, do you think I should?"

"Definitely, it looks ridiculous. He's got little enough political gravitas as it is. With that silly little tuft on his chin, he loses even the little he has got."

"My Mum thinks he's got a cheeky grin."

"So?"

"No nothing... it's just part of his appeal, that's all."

"Appeal? But would she vote for him?"

"Er... "

"Quite! I rest my case."

"Well we are his PR company, so getting people to vote for him is our job... sort of."

"Hmm, I thought a PR company made people aware of the client. It's not our job to get him elected, that's up to his spin machine."

"Well, at least, he'll be easier to sell than the last one."

"True, and at least this one doesn't wear a... you know what... on top of his head."

"Not at the moment, but by the looks of him, he's going to need one before very much longer."

"Oh do try to talk him out of it."

"Not my - our - job. We've got to up his profile... whatever that profile happens to be."

"I think he looks quite appealing as he is."

"Appealing? How do you mean, like War on Want or an abandoned puppy?"

"Oh the abandoned puppy, definitely. Except he hasn't been abandoned."

"Yet."

"Oh sure, but you've got to admit he's much more saleable than... well, you know who."

"So far, yes. But I reckon his long-term prospects will depend very much on how long it will take him to dump... his two hangers on."

"Oh, you mean Motormouth and Dracula."

"Yes, not exactly the ideal bedfellows... not from a PR point of view anyway."

"But as I see it, having them tag along was not really his choice - right?"

"Right."

"So what's to be done?"

"Hmm. Well... if we are to earn our corn as his PR company. I think the best thing to do is to play him up... "

"... And play them down?"

"To the extent where we completely ignore them. Act like they don't exist."

"Nice one."

"I think so. Our job is to get him accepted. How we do it is up to us. And if that means isolating him from Motormouth and Dracula... so be it."

"What about policies?"

"What about what?"

"Policies... you know, the stuff he and his lot will do if - ahem, when they get elected to power."

"Oh them. Oh we'll just tell him to promise the earth, then when they get in, just do what succeeding governments always do."

"What's that?"

"Sell the public the line that things are far worse in the country than you had realised and that first up... you've got to screw everybody to put them right. Never fails."

"I still think we'll have to work on his image a bit."

"Oh, definitely. He comes across as much too laid-back and smiley. And people don't like their politicians to be too laid back and smiley."

"I think he looks too lively. He grins too much. We'll have to put a stop to that."

"Most definitely. Politicians, of whatever persuasion, should never look lively."

"Rule number one: Avoid at all costs a grinning politician. It means he or she have got something to hide."

"Oh, I do so agree. Take Mintoff - for example - you never saw him grin."

"Actually Mintoff had two expressions, deep scowl and deeper scowl. Both perfectly acceptable in a politician."

"So are you suggesting... ?"

"Good heavens, no. That was then, this is now. No, we'll just have to have a word with him, to tell him to tone down the leering, flippant image."

"OK, we'll work on the serious face bit. But apart from that, do you think we can sell him to the mugs? I mean the electorate?"

"Yes, why not. They gave his predecessor a go at the tiller - "

"And look what happened."

"It's not our job to do his job for him. As long as we get him noticed, then we've done our stuff. Right?"

"Right!"