Sordid sandals

Have you heard the latest?

Rumours are strong that a $300 million swords and sandals epic is to be shot, yet again, here in Malta.

After Gladioli, Troy Story, Alexandra, and latterly Angora Cardigan, Bull**** Productions are in preparation to begin filming The Roman Empire - All of it. This squillion-dollar production will apparently star Johnny Depp (Pilates of the Mediterranean or what?) in the cut-down toga baring his butt for his art and 20 million bucks. Also booked to star are Scarlett Johansson as Calpurnia, Penelope Cruz as the Ides of March, and Elton John as Cleopatra.

The movie will cover - in just 120 minutes - the entire life-span of the Holy Roman Empire, from Romulus and Remus, via Nero fiddling while Rome burns - (Played by il-Pusu in a fat suit). Incidentally the pyrotechnics for the burning of Rome sequence will be provided by Leli tan-Nar from his illegal fireworks workshop in downtown Sliema - on through Hannibal and the elephants traversing the Alps. That sequence is to be shot on Mount Magħtab. Then there's a bit about the love life of Antony and Cleopatra and right on up to the eventual decline and fall. Naturally that last part of the movie will be filmed in Paceville.

The whole shoot is expected to last around two years, give or take a year, and will employ just about the whole population of the Maltese islands. I'm even thinking of getting the mother-in-law a job as an extra - doubling for one of Hannibal's elephants. All she'd need is a prosthetic trunk.

Yes, there'll be work for everyone. The lawyers will all have a field day drawing up ever more complex and impenetrable contracts. Our architects will be drafted in to help design sets and our carpenters will build them. Maltese and Gozitan plasterers and painters will work on them. Our doctors will be around to treat the stars for heatstroke and diarrhoea. Local vets will look after the health of all the wild animals required, while our slaughtermen and butchers will chip in if the vets prove unsuccessful. Our restaurateurs and caterers will feed everyone.

Then, of course, all our 'distinguished' politicians will be issued with a toga each and asked to play Roman senators in the fiberglass forum. Even the sanitary engineers will be employed to man the portaloos.

Literally tens of thousands of extras will be required and I'm pleased to report that one possible stumbling block has been overcome even before shooting begins.

One major sequence required no fewer than 600 vestal virgins on set at the same time. But, as we all know, there is no way that the production company would find 600 virgins (vestal or otherwise) in Malta and Gozo (six would be an ask!). So the problem has been solved by using a CGV technique. That's correct: computer generated virgins. Very cute.

Since very soon Fort Ricasoli is to be taken over by Spin, sorry Smart City, Rome - including the Coliseum and the Forum - will be constructed in Ta Qali stadium, with Valletta and Floriana supporters playing gladiators.

I understand there have also been a few problems with the lions for the Christian banquet sequence. These particular lions have all been recruited from Los Angeles Zoo, which means they are all Jewish - and no way will a pride of nice Jewish lions feast on non-kosher Christian flesh. So the production company is flying in 120 rabbis to convert all the lions' meals to Orthodox Judaism, before feeding them to the lions. Nice touch, that.

There's no doubt that this will not only be the biggest movie ever to be shot here, it will certainly be the biggest thing - period - ever to have hit the Maltese islands.

But then I suppose after the humundous success of Gladioli and the comparative failure of Troy Story (Brad Pitt in a leather mini skirt, oh please!) it was almost inevitable that yet another mega-Roman saga would be shot here. After all, it's really just a case of 'If at first you don't succeed, Troy, Troy and Troy again. Boom! Boom!'