Lonely hearts

I don't know why, but just recently an acquaintance asked me why The Sunday Times didn't carry a lonely hearts column. I replied, something to the effect of: I've no idea, but it might be worth a punt... So I trailed it in my blog (Sylvanus.com) and guess what? I got a massive response. It seems there are a hell of a lot of frustrated people in the Maltese islands. Either that, or Mr and Ms Right are constantly failing to meet up.

Here is a selection from my metaphoric mailbag:

"Gentleman of mature years and independent means seeks acquaintanceship with 17-year-old blonde bimbo with a statuesque physique, the morals of a Babyshambles groupie and an inexhaustible supply of Viagra, for intelligent conversation... perhaps more."

"Forty-something loser with B.O. and halitosis, seeks olfactorally-challenged lady to share total misery and damp one-roomed basement apartment in Gzira. Only genuine aspirants need apply."

"Six-foot-four-inch tall bodybuilder and pugilist, seeks someone for punishment."

"Congolese male illegal immigrant with charisma and much, much more, seeks appreciative lady with the wherewithal to obtain visa for Germany or the UK."

"Precocious 14-year-old boy seeks Dido lookalike to help him with his homework."

"Highly qualified middle-aged professional man of independent means and noble birth, seeks well proportioned ewe (a sheep of the female persuasion - nothing queer about me) for fun and frolics. Only pedigree sheep need apply."

"Geriatric old fool in his dotage and early 90s, seeks amenable younger - much younger lady, for one last glorious fling."

"Recently separated, after 18 years of marriage and five kids, media professional seeks peace and quiet."

"Illicit fireworks manufacturer, 32, seeks sympathetic female not fazed by loud noise, to light his fire."

"Dog-lover, 34, seeks devastatingly attractive Old English sheepdog for walkies and... who knows?"

"Frustrated spinster, 47, wishes to meet morally challenged stud, 25, for rumpy and possibly pumpy. Apply St Britney's Convent, Balzan."

"Barclay's English Premier League footballer, 23, seeks trophy wife or girlfriend (Wag). High IQ not essential, but must be blonde or prepared to dye for him."

"Prince seeks his princess. Camilla look-alikes need not apply."

"Newly elected MP seeks constantly adoring, socially presentable female... object marriage. Must be a good listener."

"Ex-President of the US seeks nubile intern with kinky tastes. Must enjoy a good cigar."

"Oil rich sheikh is recruiting concubines for his harem. Apply within, please leave photo, CV and burka at reception."

"Sixty-one-year-old bachelor, 10 years in mourning for his mother, seeks umbilical cord."

"Militant feminist with goaty armpits and moustache seeks demure wimp for subjugation games and more."

"Handsome, amorous midget, 39, seeks statuesque blonde bimbo. Must come with her own ladder,"

"Miss Whiplash requires willing slave. Must have high pain threshold and not be allergic to the smell of burning rubber."

"Prominent Maltese businessman and pillar of the community, seeks bit-on-the-side. Must be discreet, low profile, intelligent and with a love of fine things and be prepared to administer extreme discipline to a very, very naughty boy."

"Filthy dirty old man wishes to meet pretty, clean young lady. Object: Romance."

"Compulsive flasher seeks captive audience. Poor eyesight and low expectations essential. Excellent working conditions, half-day Sundays."

"Flaccid estate agent (AKA: property salesman) seeks... well anyone who will give him and his miserable job some degree - any degree of respectability: Not an easy ask."

"Għana superstar Il-Micky wants to meet tone-deaf beauty... preferably with big breasts."

"Merry widow, 73, wishes to meet toy boy. Must be extremely easy to please."

"Divorced mother with 17 kids seeks understanding eunuch."