The Hide - The So-Shall Pages

Ground-breaking Gozitan rap artist superstar Two Euros has signed with a major international music agency to undertake a three-date tour of Lampedusa this summer. Two Euros, or Mikiel as he's known to his family and close friends, will headline a bill that also includes female impersonator Joseph 'Muriel' Fabri (Gozo's answer to Debbie Scerri), the all-singing, all-dancing Refalo Sisters, Eric and his musical shoes, and The Benny Scolari Sextet.

Two Euros told The Hide: "Wow! Yes, I've finally arrived. This really is a dream come true. I knew that one day superstardom would beckon, I'm just glad I was able to answer the call."

After the tour, Mr Euros' manager Spandex Lou is said to be negotiating dates in Għarb, San Lawrenz, Bidnija, and, he added: "There is a very real possibility of Two Euros playing the Mecca of rap artists, Caesar's Palace, San Ġwann."

So it seems that for one outstanding artiste, the only way is uppish.

Lithuania Ladies Wrestling team in San Ġwann

The Salmonella Bar and Restaurant, San Ġwann, was recently proud to host the visiting Lithuania National Ladies Freestyle Wrestling Team to a spaghetti and steroids evening.

After the delicious meal, the ladies were entertained with cabaret from blind juggler Leli Pomeroy Borg, one-legged tap dancer Maurice 'Twinkle Foot' Azzopardi and Charlie Iż-Żajr, the whistling midget. The proprietor of Salmonella Bar and Restaurant, Benny Botulism Bugeja, informed the media that he was honoured to host such a famous and distinguished group of ladies. The team boasted several household names in Lithuanian ladies freestyle wrestling circles, such as Tamara Horsebrasses, Hildegard Prosthesis, and Ludmilla Testosteronosis.

He added: "The Salmonella Bar and Restaurant, San Ġwann, is open for lunch and dinner six days a week - closed Saturdays.

Madame Temptress hosts Montenegran sculptor

Madame Evadne Temptress (pictured in diaphanous mauve marquee, with her chins tilted upwards, while wafting a hand in the general direction of the ladies room) recently hosted one of her famous cheap wine soirées at her residence Palazzo Temptress, limits of San Ġwann.

Her guests were headed by internationally acclaimed Montenegran sculptor Mristislav Pressup, who creates amazing things out of pigeon droppings. Other guests included celebrated artists such as nude portrait painter Karmen Dalaglio, performance artist and petrol pump attendant Renato Higgins, curator of the Temptress Gallery and used-car showroom Benito Flagella Weims, and art historian, critic and professional charlatan Mugsy Rembrandt Portanier.

After pouring their glasses of nasty plonk into the flower beds, the guests posed for endless group photos, later to appear here and in other less salubrious publications.

People

Dimitri Abela, 21, of San Ġwann, son of Mr and Mrs Abela, has returned to Malta, having achieved the unparalleled distinction of being the first Maltese to be awarded a black belt in the Oriental combat discipline Pong Cho. Mr Abela was awarded his belt for achieving the near-impossible feat of shattering no fewer than 18 concrete bricks using no more than a flick of his tongue. Mr Abela is shortly to take up a recycling appointment with Ballut Blocks of San Ġwann.

For your diary

The Malta Funeral Directors and Embalmers Ass'n is to hold an open day and barbecue at the San Antnin Waste Disposal Centre on Saturday. There will be demonstrations of their skills, face painting and a barbeque. Booking is essential.

The San Ġwann Over-75s Line-Dancing team is to hold a hoe-down in the geriatric wing of the St Sharon Retirement complex next Wednesday. Cowboys and cowgirls to meet at 11 a.m sharp for a vigorous line-dance workout under M.C Bertu - Tex - Micallef.