Forming new ties
Sometimes when parents break up, or someone passes away, mum or dad may eventually start a new relationship. This is how people come to have step-families. All relationships have their ups and downs, and step-families are no exception. When one or more...
Sometimes when parents break up, or someone passes away, mum or dad may eventually start a new relationship. This is how people come to have step-families. All relationships have their ups and downs, and step-families are no exception. When one or more people join your family it can create a lot of change and this can be hard to accept at first. But being in a step-family can be cool too.
Man meets woman, they fall in love get married and have a child, maybe two. Some time later man and woman fall out of love and decide to separate and come to an agreement about the children's care and custody arrangements. In time, everybody settles down into the new lifestyle and life goes on.
And life has an odd way of evolving despite a country's legislation which is probably why a large number of separated persons will, sooner or later, come to love someone else and establish a new family unit. This time round, of course, matters are complicated by the fact that one or both partners have children from their previous marriage or relationship. Welcome to the step-family.
Step-parents, especially step-mothers, have not had the best press over the years - consider Cinderella, Snow White and Hansel and Gretel for instance. Any child whose sole experience of step-parents comes from fairytales would be forgiven for being less than enthusiastic about the prospect of having a step-parent themselves. Indeed, the negative connotations of the term "step- families" has led to the use of "blended" or "reconstituted" families instead. Regardless of what we call them, these new families are decidedly more complex than the "traditional" model.
Making step-families work
Family therapist Elaine Grech believes that the reconstituted family brings many challenges to all concerned and that the key to success lies in the adults' attitudes.
"It is possible for the children and step-parents to build warm, supportive relationships, especially when both biological parents encourage the relationship," says Ms Grech.
When the parents' relationship breaks down, it is not just the adults who must adjust to the loss; the children's loss may be greater or felt more keenly. At this stage, even before third parties ever enter the scene, parents should continue concentrating on what is best for the child.
Introducing a step-parent is a delicate issue that will impact on the new couple, the children of one or both parties and the estranged parents.
The new couple may both have children living with them on a daily basis and in this case everybody will need to make dramatic adjustments to their life. The two families must merge, somehow accommodating different experiences, values and traditions. Children may also struggle when their status in the family changes; perhaps an only child is now sharing with a step-sibling or the eldest child now finds out that she has an older sibling.
The estranged parents also have an important role to play in this scenario if the children are to settle down in the new family unit. A child may have divided loyalties; would mum understand that Sally is getting on with her step mum? Will dad be upset if John goes fishing with his mum's new partner?
By giving the children positive feedback, or even better, actively encouraging their relationship with the step-parents, mum or dad are lifting a burden off young shoulders. Children who can talk freely with their parents tend to build stronger relationships with that parent.
Discipline is one of the corner stones of family life; and with a blended family this can be trickier than usual. Who is to set the rules? Who is going to enforce the law? These may both be contentious issues which may be overcome if the rules are set during a family meeting. When everyone has had an input in designing the family values, nobody can resent those rules - or the parent who enforces them.
In the majority of family break downs, children live with their biological mother visiting their father depending on a pre-agreed schedule. When a new couple both have children, therefore, it is often true that while the woman's children live with the couple, the man's children live with his estranged wife or partner. The effect this may have on the man's natural children can be significant: as they miss their father they know he is spending time with someone else's children. The children may even fear losing their father's love to the children he sees every day, which may lead to resentment.
In such a scenario, the extended family needs to understand the children's concerns and, if possible, the father should spend some quality time alone with his children when they are visiting.
There is no right way to build a successful family unit; and this is true regardless of how that family comes into being. A "blended family" is definitely more complex and requires some careful thought in order to succeed.
Man meets woman, they fall in love get married and have a child, maybe two. Some time later man and woman fall out of love and decide to separate and come to an agreement about the children's care and custody arrangements. In time, everybody settles down into the new lifestyle and life goes on.
And life has an odd way of evolving despite a country's legislation which is probably why a large number of separated persons will, sooner or later, come to love someone else and establish a new family unit. This time round, of course, matters are complicated by the fact that one or both partners have children from their previous marriage or relationship. Welcome to the step-family.
Step-parents, especially step-mothers, have not had the best press over the years - consider Cinderella, Snow White and Hansel and Gretel for instance. Any child whose sole experience of step-parents comes from fairytales would be forgiven for being less than enthusiastic about the prospect of having a step-parent themselves. Indeed, the negative connotations of the term "step- families" has led to the use of "blended" or "reconstituted" families instead. Regardless of what we call them, these new families are decidedly more complex than the "traditional" model.
Making step-families work
Family therapist Elaine Grech believes that the reconstituted family brings many challenges to all concerned and that the key to success lies in the adults' attitudes.
"It is possible for the children and step-parents to build warm, supportive relationships, especially when both biological parents encourage the relationship," says Ms Grech.
When the parents' relationship breaks down, it is not just the adults who must adjust to the loss; the children's loss may be greater or felt more keenly. At this stage, even before third parties ever enter the scene, parents should continue concentrating on what is best for the child.
Introducing a step-parent is a delicate issue that will impact on the new couple, the children of one or both parties and the estranged parents.
The new couple may both have children living with them on a daily basis and in this case everybody will need to make dramatic adjustments to their life. The two families must merge, somehow accommodating different experiences, values and traditions. Children may also struggle when their status in the family changes; perhaps an only child is now sharing with a step-sibling or the eldest child now finds out that she has an older sibling.
The estranged parents also have an important role to play in this scenario if the children are to settle down in the new family unit. A child may have divided loyalties; would mum understand that Sally is getting on with her step mum? Will dad be upset if John goes fishing with his mum's new partner?
By giving the children positive feedback, or even better, actively encouraging their relationship with the step-parents, mum or dad are lifting a burden off young shoulders. Children who can talk freely with their parents tend to build stronger relationships with that parent.
Discipline is one of the corner stones of family life; and with a blended family this can be trickier than usual. Who is to set the rules? Who is going to enforce the law? These may both be contentious issues which may be overcome if the rules are set during a family meeting. When everyone has had an input in designing the family values, nobody can resent those rules - or the parent who enforces them.
In the majority of family break downs, children live with their biological mother visiting their father depending on a pre-agreed schedule. When a new couple both have children, therefore, it is often true that while the woman's children live with the couple, the man's children live with his estranged wife or partner. The effect this may have on the man's natural children can be significant: as they miss their father they know he is spending time with someone else's children. The children may even fear losing their father's love to the children he sees every day, which may lead to resentment.
In such a scenario, the extended family needs to understand the children's concerns and, if possible, the father should spend some quality time alone with his children when they are visiting.
There is no right way to build a successful family unit; and this is true regardless of how that family comes into being. A "blended family" is definitely more complex and requires some careful thought in order to succeed.