Adjusting to changes
Sarah and Steve live with Sarah's daughter Sue (7) from her marriage to Saviour.
Sarah's* story:
ThiS is my second relationship since breaking up with Saviour* , and perhaps I was even more cautious about introducing Steve to Sue* than I was first time round. Steve and I met within a group of friends and we clicked straight away but we kept our relationship from Sue for a few month. We both wanted to take things slowly and I initially introduced Steve to her as part of a larger group of friends. By the time we were ready to make our relationship "official" to Sue, she already suspected we were more than friends and the news was no surprise to her.
Sue and Steve got on like a house on fire right from the start but I was still wary about moving in together. Steve has no children of his own and had lived alone for a number of years so he has had to make some drastic changes to his lifestyle to accommodate Sue.
Steve's attitude has been positive from the start and he perceives us as a family of three. Sue is automatically included in his plans these days regardless of whether he is planning dinner with friends or a family holiday. His acceptance and flexibility have made it easier for us all to settle down together and, unlike my previous relationship, I am not constantly worried about whether Sue is upsetting him or vice-versa.
Our biggest bone of contention is discipline. We have different standards of what constitutes acceptable behaviour and I know that Steve is reluctant to tell Sue off. I understand his point of view and I discipline her when we're all together. The problem arises when the two of them are alone; then Sue has to respect Steve but he must do his part by being firm with her when he needs to be.
Personally, having someone to share the daily routine and worries over Sue's care is a relief as being a single parent is difficult. It's often the little things that make life easier; having Steve calling me to check on her when she's ill; he is there for her concerts and field days and Sue knows he's there for her which makes her feel secure.
Saviour and I have been careful to ease the burden of our separation on our daughter. He too has a new girlfriend now and I'm pleased that Sue and Sally get on well too. Knowing that Sue is happy and at ease when she visits her father is obviously important to me and the fact that Sally and I agree on matters concerning my daughter is a bonus.
Steve's* story:
Since Sarah and Sue moved in life has certainly become more scheduled than when I lived on my own but I wouldn't say it was a difficult adjustment to make.
Sue and I have a great relationship; I'm somewhere between a father figure and a big brother to her. Initially, she tried to compare me with Saviour so I firmly but gently refused to be drawn into that. I explained that I was not trying to take her dad's place and neither was I competing with him; she understood and soon stopped the practice.
I grew up with a great deal of discipline and find this to be a difficult issue in our household. I usually let Sarah discipline her daughter as I don't feel I have the authority to do it. Sarah and I may have different standards and I'm not confident of where the boundaries are as to what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. I will very rarely tell Sue off about anything, usually preferring to control my anger or irritation. Having Sarah's backing when I do correct Sue is crucial; without it I would never gain any authority or respect from the child.
Presently, discipline is not really an issue but I can see it becoming a problem when Sue hits her teenage years. Teenagers are rebellious with their biological parents and she may be even less willing to accept my authority then. I think that, when the time comes, mutual respect will be the key to keeping our relationship strong; and we are building that relationship at the moment.
Possibly the biggest change has been the mess that has suddenly sprouted up around our home. I've accepted the fact that, no matter how hard she tries, Sue generates a degree of clutter and causes some damage. These are just things; I can't compare their importance to the unexpected joys she has brought to my life.
I have found myself doing things I'd never thought I would do, such as helping with homework projects. We had a great time organising her carnival costume this year and we enjoy cooking together, talking as we work. The downside fades in the light of the benefits of sharing a child's life.
Martha*, now in her 20s, has both a step-mother and step-father. She now lives alone.
Although my parents split up when I was quite young, I didn't have step-parents until I was in my teens but it was still difficult to adjust to the new situation.
My father and step-mother have been together for more than 10 years and live with my half brother Mike who is eight. Mary and I have never gotten along very well and our relationship has worsened since Mike started school.
Growing up with my mum, I had a very structured routine with set times for meals and bedtime but Mary takes a much more relaxed attitude with Mike. I know it's not strictly anything to do with me, but I pity the poor boy when he wakes up late for school in the morning because he would have slept late the night before. When I lived with my dad and his family, Mary and I were constantly arguing. I felt that she expected too much from me, especially when it came to babysitting Mike.
We also clashed a great deal because I resented what I saw as Mary's interference in my life. I was already approaching adulthood when dad and Mary set up home so I really didn't need another mother. Dad would always take Mary's side when we argued which hurt me a great deal. I moved out on bad terms with both my dad and Mary initially moving in with my mother and her partner. My relationship with my father is still strained but I make an effort to visit as often as I can to spend time with Mike whom I really miss.
Living with mum and Matthew was a completely different experience. Matthew and I have had our differences but he has never tried to act like a father to me. We have built an easy relationship over the years and now get on very well.
Living with Matthew and mum was ironically frustrating because he would not tell me when he was annoyed at me. As I grew to know him, I would realise he was upset or angry but he wouldn't discuss it. Instead, he would speak to my mother who would in turn tell me what was bothering him.
Building a relationship with Matthew has been much easier than trying to get along with Mary. Perhaps the difference lay in the fact that I was older, more willing to make the effort when I met him, perhaps it's down to Matthew's character or maybe it was the way my mother handled the difficulties, I honestly don't know.
The one thing I'm sure of is that having a step-family can be complicated; but that doesn't mean it can't be pleasant.
* Names have been changed to protect identities.
ThiS is my second relationship since breaking up with Saviour* , and perhaps I was even more cautious about introducing Steve to Sue* than I was first time round. Steve and I met within a group of friends and we clicked straight away but we kept our relationship from Sue for a few month. We both wanted to take things slowly and I initially introduced Steve to her as part of a larger group of friends. By the time we were ready to make our relationship "official" to Sue, she already suspected we were more than friends and the news was no surprise to her.
Sue and Steve got on like a house on fire right from the start but I was still wary about moving in together. Steve has no children of his own and had lived alone for a number of years so he has had to make some drastic changes to his lifestyle to accommodate Sue.
Steve's attitude has been positive from the start and he perceives us as a family of three. Sue is automatically included in his plans these days regardless of whether he is planning dinner with friends or a family holiday. His acceptance and flexibility have made it easier for us all to settle down together and, unlike my previous relationship, I am not constantly worried about whether Sue is upsetting him or vice-versa.
Our biggest bone of contention is discipline. We have different standards of what constitutes acceptable behaviour and I know that Steve is reluctant to tell Sue off. I understand his point of view and I discipline her when we're all together. The problem arises when the two of them are alone; then Sue has to respect Steve but he must do his part by being firm with her when he needs to be.
Personally, having someone to share the daily routine and worries over Sue's care is a relief as being a single parent is difficult. It's often the little things that make life easier; having Steve calling me to check on her when she's ill; he is there for her concerts and field days and Sue knows he's there for her which makes her feel secure.
Saviour and I have been careful to ease the burden of our separation on our daughter. He too has a new girlfriend now and I'm pleased that Sue and Sally get on well too. Knowing that Sue is happy and at ease when she visits her father is obviously important to me and the fact that Sally and I agree on matters concerning my daughter is a bonus.
Steve's* story:
Since Sarah and Sue moved in life has certainly become more scheduled than when I lived on my own but I wouldn't say it was a difficult adjustment to make.
Sue and I have a great relationship; I'm somewhere between a father figure and a big brother to her. Initially, she tried to compare me with Saviour so I firmly but gently refused to be drawn into that. I explained that I was not trying to take her dad's place and neither was I competing with him; she understood and soon stopped the practice.
I grew up with a great deal of discipline and find this to be a difficult issue in our household. I usually let Sarah discipline her daughter as I don't feel I have the authority to do it. Sarah and I may have different standards and I'm not confident of where the boundaries are as to what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. I will very rarely tell Sue off about anything, usually preferring to control my anger or irritation. Having Sarah's backing when I do correct Sue is crucial; without it I would never gain any authority or respect from the child.
Presently, discipline is not really an issue but I can see it becoming a problem when Sue hits her teenage years. Teenagers are rebellious with their biological parents and she may be even less willing to accept my authority then. I think that, when the time comes, mutual respect will be the key to keeping our relationship strong; and we are building that relationship at the moment.
Possibly the biggest change has been the mess that has suddenly sprouted up around our home. I've accepted the fact that, no matter how hard she tries, Sue generates a degree of clutter and causes some damage. These are just things; I can't compare their importance to the unexpected joys she has brought to my life.
I have found myself doing things I'd never thought I would do, such as helping with homework projects. We had a great time organising her carnival costume this year and we enjoy cooking together, talking as we work. The downside fades in the light of the benefits of sharing a child's life.
Martha*, now in her 20s, has both a step-mother and step-father. She now lives alone.
Although my parents split up when I was quite young, I didn't have step-parents until I was in my teens but it was still difficult to adjust to the new situation.
My father and step-mother have been together for more than 10 years and live with my half brother Mike who is eight. Mary and I have never gotten along very well and our relationship has worsened since Mike started school.
Growing up with my mum, I had a very structured routine with set times for meals and bedtime but Mary takes a much more relaxed attitude with Mike. I know it's not strictly anything to do with me, but I pity the poor boy when he wakes up late for school in the morning because he would have slept late the night before. When I lived with my dad and his family, Mary and I were constantly arguing. I felt that she expected too much from me, especially when it came to babysitting Mike.
We also clashed a great deal because I resented what I saw as Mary's interference in my life. I was already approaching adulthood when dad and Mary set up home so I really didn't need another mother. Dad would always take Mary's side when we argued which hurt me a great deal. I moved out on bad terms with both my dad and Mary initially moving in with my mother and her partner. My relationship with my father is still strained but I make an effort to visit as often as I can to spend time with Mike whom I really miss.
Living with mum and Matthew was a completely different experience. Matthew and I have had our differences but he has never tried to act like a father to me. We have built an easy relationship over the years and now get on very well.
Living with Matthew and mum was ironically frustrating because he would not tell me when he was annoyed at me. As I grew to know him, I would realise he was upset or angry but he wouldn't discuss it. Instead, he would speak to my mother who would in turn tell me what was bothering him.
Building a relationship with Matthew has been much easier than trying to get along with Mary. Perhaps the difference lay in the fact that I was older, more willing to make the effort when I met him, perhaps it's down to Matthew's character or maybe it was the way my mother handled the difficulties, I honestly don't know.
The one thing I'm sure of is that having a step-family can be complicated; but that doesn't mean it can't be pleasant.
* Names have been changed to protect identities.