The only way is down

Let's not pull any punches here and tell it like it is: Derby County have been an embarrassment to the Premier League.

Just a year after being promoted via the play-offs, the Rams are set to depart the top flight with an all-time low number of points having secured relegation at a record early stage.

They haven't won a Premier League game since the days when Gordon Brown was enjoying his job and China were still looking forward to hosting the Olympics.

Despite changing managers midway through the season, the standard of football has not improved and they still look like a pub team that is taking to the pitch after a particularly heavy night on the ale.

They have been, from start to finish, out of their depth, and when they finally secured relegation it was like a mercy killing. Even manager Paul Jewell was relieved they had been put out of their misery.

But, if you thought Derby were bad, just wait till you see what's on its way up next season.

If the established top flight sides were stunned by the abject uselessness of this year's whipping boys, they will be gobsmacked by the sheer awfulness of next season's new arrivals.

The teams on their way to dine at the top table of English football are so poor they will make Derby look like Real Madrid. And not just because they play in white.

There are only a handful of games to go in England's second division and the promotion race is hotting up. But the standard of football in the Championship this season had been so diabolical that it is not so much the cream that has risen to the surface as the less sour milk.

As it stands, we are more than likely going to see teams like Stoke City and Bristol City in the Premiership next season. And, if fate conspires against the only decent contenders - West Bromwich - those two may be joined by Hull or even Plymouth.

Now I don't want to take anything away from the teams that do make it the Promised Land of the Premier League because they have earned their crack at the big time by being the best of a bad bunch.

But we are talking about achieving success in a league where Bristol City (almost certain to go up) have scored just 49 goals while Colchester (confirmed as relegated) have scored 71.

In all my years of following the second tier of English football (and, thanks to Sheffield United's traditional awfulness, that has been many) I have never known it to contain so much mediocrity.

Traditionally you would have one or two teams who take the league by the scruff of the neck and prove they have that special something that makes them worthy of promotion. Nobody has even come close to that this season, something that is clearly proven by the fact that, although there are just four games to go, there are still more than 15 teams in with a mathematical shout of promotion.

On that basis, it is fairly safe to assume those teams that do go up will be coming down faster than Max Mosely's boxer shorts in a London brothel.

And that should spell relief for teams like Birmingham and Wigan who have struggled to maintain their top flight status this season but who can look forward to next season safe in the knowledge there will probably be an easy 18 points on offer.

As it stands, the only team I can really see making a fight of it are West Brom. They narrowly missed out last year and at least have the basis of a squad that won't be spanked left, right and centre. (Cue another Max Mosely joke).

At the end of the day, clubs like Bristol City and Stoke exist for exactly this sort of season when they can defy the odds and make the Premier League dream a reality.

The only question now is exactly how much of a nightmare it will turn into. And I think it will be quite horrific.

Head over heels

Just what is it about Petr Cech's head that make it so attractive to people's legs?

Last season he spent weeks out after fracturing his skull in an accidental clash with a Reading player. As a result of that injury, he now plays all his matches with somewhat girly protective head gear.

Sadly he doesn't wear his padded hat 24/7 and has now been ruled out for the rest of the season after a Ben Haim tackle on the training pitch left him needing 52 stitches to his face.

Is his head precisely the same size and diameter of a football? Does he have the words "please kick here" tattooed over each ear? Or is he just very, very annoying?

I understand that by the very nature of their role goalkeepers are more prone to head injuries, but in Cech's case it is starting to get a little silly.

Don't be surprised to see him walk out of the tunnel at the start of next season wearing a full crash helmet.

Cristiano vs Fernando

People keep asking me why I believe Fernando Torres to be a better player than Cristiano Ronaldo. It seems to be a common theme whenever I bump into someone who reads this column.

Well, the answer is simple. It all boils down to one essential difference between the two players - attitude.

On the one hand, you have Torres who is an unassuming young lad who plays football like a gentleman. No fuss, no frills, no moaning, no complaining. Just an honest hard-working professional with a talent for scoring great goals.

On the other, you have Ronaldo who is, pound for pound, a much more naturally skilful player but who also insists on rubbing that fact in everyone's faces at every available opportunity. Game in, game out.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why he will never get my vote for best player in the world. No matter how many goals he scores, no matter how many tricks he performs.

If there is one thing that really winds me up, it's people who are full of themselves. And you don't get much fuller than Cristiano who believes, without a shadow of a doubt, that he is God's gift to football.

I can't deny that watching Ronaldo in full flight as he storms down the wing is like watching poetry in motion. The man has talent oozing out of every pore and only a fool would fail to see the beauty in his skills.

But, sadly, any joy is tempered by the knowledge that if he finds the back of the net we will be forced to watch a television close-up of his smirking, told-you-so face.

It may not be something you can teach on the training ground but, for me, humility is just as important as skill when it comes to being a complete footballer.

Sadly, when God was handing out humility, Cristiano was in the ego queue getting a second helping.

Of course, there are other reasons why I believe Torres to be a better player. The fact that he is performing just as well as Ronaldo this season despite playing in an inferior team, for example.

But ultimately it comes down to personality. And Fernando has Cristiano beaten all ends up in that department.

No laughing matter

Picture the scene if you will. It's Christmas morning and the little Spanish boy is sitting by the tree waiting to open his presents. He has a list in his head of all the things he really wants from Father Christmas.

The unwrapping process begins and, one by one, each and every thing the young lad desires is revealed. It's the perfect Christmas yet the little boy still doesn't manage a smile.

Welcome to the miserable world of Rafa Benitez.

The only thing more remarkable than the game itself last Tuesday night was that not once, even when Liverpool pulled off one of the most important victories in their recent history, did he allow his face to light up or his lips to curl.

What exactly does it take to make this man smile?

I know it has not exactly been the smoothest of seasons for the Reds' manager, but surely a victory of such epic proportions in such a stunning match warrants at least a slight smirk.

There are a lot of lows to being a football manager. A lot of lows. And that should make the highs that much more special.

But if even those don't make you happy, maybe you are in the wrong business altogether.

sportscolumnist@timesofmalta.com