Q. I left my husband 10 years ago because he wouldn't get help for his alcoholism. We separated and I've since been living with another man. He'd drunk his way through all our savings and he refused to get help. I tried for years to get him to stop but he wouldn't. I thought that, if I left him, he would have to manage on his own and that maybe he'd stop drinking.
I always thought I'd done the right thing but I've heard from a member of his family that he's now dying. He has liver cancer apparently ‒ he's very ill and not expected to live much longer.
Now I am wondering if I should have tried harder to get him to seek help or if I should have stayed. S.B.
A. Ten years ago you were at the end of your tether having tried and failed to stop an alcoholic from drinking. Try to remember how that felt at the time. You are not to blame for your husband's illness now any more than you were to blame for his failure to get help back then.
Alcoholics are sick people and most actively resent attempts to care for them. If you had stayed, the likelihood is he would still have continued to drink.
Some people have managed to live with problem drinkers and help them to stop, but sadly they are few and far between ‒ the alcoholic has to accept he or she has a problem and has to want to do something about it.
You did try ‒ apparently for a long time ‒ but sadly your husband didn't want to accept his problem. Perhaps, now, you need some help and support to come to terms with what has happened.
Al-Anon Family Groups can offer that help. Call them on 2157 7819 or 2168 7517.
Q. Because my husband has always been aggressive and violent I decided I wouldn't have children ‒ just in case he turned his rage on to them. I have been in hospital several times in the past because of the damage he's done to me.
My family say he has the right to chastise me so they would be no help, but I am so unhappy and wish I could get away. I have no money to start a home of my own ‒ the doctor says there are places I could go but I am too scared. Anon
A. Please listen to what your doctor is telling you and leave your husband right away. There are places that you could be moved to. Many women have gone to them with nothing more than the clothes on their backs, so money should not be an issue ‒ you don't have to spend another moment with him.
Domestic violence is a crime and, whatever your family say, your husband has no right to treat you the way he is doing ‒ he is breaking the law.
If he tries to beat you again before you make a decision about what to do, you can call the police on 112 or 191.
You are clearly very isolated and it sounds as if your doctor is the only person you can talk to, but people like your husband count on your isolation to get away with their behaviour. But you are not alone. Other women are severely abused every year and the only way to overcome violence like this is to speak out.
You can also receive the help and support you need by calling the sedqa freephone 24-hour domestic violence helpline 179.
Q. I'm tall, I'm blonde, I'm told I'm good-looking and I'm thoroughly enjoying being free and single. I met and started living with a man when I was 17 years old; I think I was really moving out of the unstable relationship I had with my parents into something that felt more secure. My ex-partner was five years older and very mature in many ways. In the end it didn't work out though.
Now, at 23, I find that although one side of me would love to marry and settle down with kids, I can't find anyone I'd want to be with, long-term.
I like the fun of going out, dating and being chatted up. But I'm starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me and whether I'll ever find a proper partner. A.T.
A. If you are enjoying your freedom so much then I don't really see why you think you have a problem. More and more women are not looking for someone to settle with until they are in their late 20s,30s ‒ even 40s ‒ but they are doing that from choice.
I suspect you want help because far from the confidence you are trying to put across, you're really desperate to rediscover the "safe" relationship you had with your earlier boyfriend. Are you relying on this stream of new boyfriends to create a confidence for you that you don't really feel?
True confidence comes from what you feel about yourself ‒ not the chat-up lines of guys who are trying to get a lovely girl into their beds.
I think you need to learn to love yourself a little more and learn self-respect as well. That way you won't be making yourself available to any guy who learns how to press the buttons that get you into bed.
And, before too long, you may well find yourself meeting a guy who really respects you ‒ which could make a lot of difference to your feelings about settling down.
Q. After my husband died six years ago I thought I was destined to lead a life of lonely widowhood. Then I met Geoff. He was fun and took me out of myself, and pretty soon I was seeing him regularly.
He wants to move in with me and he says he loves me but I'm not sure he really does. He's always making jokes about having sex with beautiful women and that I'll be great for cleaning up after him.
If I tackle him about it, he says he's only teasing, but he does ogle other women and I'm beginning to think he just wants me for a place to live. What do you think? K.L.
A. You don't need a man like this! Get rid of him and find yourself someone with a bit more sensitivity! How much do you really know about this man's background?
Does he have a place of his own? Is he really just looking for a lonely widow to sponge off? He may be, you know. If he's joking then it's in very bad taste, and if he's not then he's a dangerous man that you need to get out of your life as soon as possible.
Take the time and space you need to recover from this experience before leaping into another relationship simply because you are lonely.
You sound to me as if you need the buffer of some more, caring female friends. So build your social circle and take your time to get to know people a little better before falling so hard in future.
I always thought I'd done the right thing but I've heard from a member of his family that he's now dying. He has liver cancer apparently ‒ he's very ill and not expected to live much longer.
Now I am wondering if I should have tried harder to get him to seek help or if I should have stayed. S.B.
A. Ten years ago you were at the end of your tether having tried and failed to stop an alcoholic from drinking. Try to remember how that felt at the time. You are not to blame for your husband's illness now any more than you were to blame for his failure to get help back then.
Alcoholics are sick people and most actively resent attempts to care for them. If you had stayed, the likelihood is he would still have continued to drink.
Some people have managed to live with problem drinkers and help them to stop, but sadly they are few and far between ‒ the alcoholic has to accept he or she has a problem and has to want to do something about it.
You did try ‒ apparently for a long time ‒ but sadly your husband didn't want to accept his problem. Perhaps, now, you need some help and support to come to terms with what has happened.
Al-Anon Family Groups can offer that help. Call them on 2157 7819 or 2168 7517.
Q. Because my husband has always been aggressive and violent I decided I wouldn't have children ‒ just in case he turned his rage on to them. I have been in hospital several times in the past because of the damage he's done to me.
My family say he has the right to chastise me so they would be no help, but I am so unhappy and wish I could get away. I have no money to start a home of my own ‒ the doctor says there are places I could go but I am too scared. Anon
A. Please listen to what your doctor is telling you and leave your husband right away. There are places that you could be moved to. Many women have gone to them with nothing more than the clothes on their backs, so money should not be an issue ‒ you don't have to spend another moment with him.
Domestic violence is a crime and, whatever your family say, your husband has no right to treat you the way he is doing ‒ he is breaking the law.
If he tries to beat you again before you make a decision about what to do, you can call the police on 112 or 191.
You are clearly very isolated and it sounds as if your doctor is the only person you can talk to, but people like your husband count on your isolation to get away with their behaviour. But you are not alone. Other women are severely abused every year and the only way to overcome violence like this is to speak out.
You can also receive the help and support you need by calling the sedqa freephone 24-hour domestic violence helpline 179.
Q. I'm tall, I'm blonde, I'm told I'm good-looking and I'm thoroughly enjoying being free and single. I met and started living with a man when I was 17 years old; I think I was really moving out of the unstable relationship I had with my parents into something that felt more secure. My ex-partner was five years older and very mature in many ways. In the end it didn't work out though.
Now, at 23, I find that although one side of me would love to marry and settle down with kids, I can't find anyone I'd want to be with, long-term.
I like the fun of going out, dating and being chatted up. But I'm starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me and whether I'll ever find a proper partner. A.T.
A. If you are enjoying your freedom so much then I don't really see why you think you have a problem. More and more women are not looking for someone to settle with until they are in their late 20s,30s ‒ even 40s ‒ but they are doing that from choice.
I suspect you want help because far from the confidence you are trying to put across, you're really desperate to rediscover the "safe" relationship you had with your earlier boyfriend. Are you relying on this stream of new boyfriends to create a confidence for you that you don't really feel?
True confidence comes from what you feel about yourself ‒ not the chat-up lines of guys who are trying to get a lovely girl into their beds.
I think you need to learn to love yourself a little more and learn self-respect as well. That way you won't be making yourself available to any guy who learns how to press the buttons that get you into bed.
And, before too long, you may well find yourself meeting a guy who really respects you ‒ which could make a lot of difference to your feelings about settling down.
Q. After my husband died six years ago I thought I was destined to lead a life of lonely widowhood. Then I met Geoff. He was fun and took me out of myself, and pretty soon I was seeing him regularly.
He wants to move in with me and he says he loves me but I'm not sure he really does. He's always making jokes about having sex with beautiful women and that I'll be great for cleaning up after him.
If I tackle him about it, he says he's only teasing, but he does ogle other women and I'm beginning to think he just wants me for a place to live. What do you think? K.L.
A. You don't need a man like this! Get rid of him and find yourself someone with a bit more sensitivity! How much do you really know about this man's background?
Does he have a place of his own? Is he really just looking for a lonely widow to sponge off? He may be, you know. If he's joking then it's in very bad taste, and if he's not then he's a dangerous man that you need to get out of your life as soon as possible.
Take the time and space you need to recover from this experience before leaping into another relationship simply because you are lonely.
You sound to me as if you need the buffer of some more, caring female friends. So build your social circle and take your time to get to know people a little better before falling so hard in future.