Yes, here it is: the jewel in the crown of all the properties on our books. And we are, as you are well aware, the leading estate agent in the Maltese islands. So this is - by definition - the leading house of character in Malta.

Oh, please, you have to look past its current condition and see the big picture. This distinguished property was, in fact, the country residence of Grand Master Felipe Dos Santos who...

OK, I'll admit it's not exactly in the countryside any longer, in fact, OK I agree, it is now in the centre of the village. But back in Grand Master, um whathaveyou's day, this was virgin pastoral land.

The Grand Master? Oh, he was head of the Knights of St John in Malta between the years harrumflumf and parrimploop, ahem. Yes, between the rules of Grand Master La Vallette, of whom I'm sure you've heard, and L'Isle Adam, or somebody. And this wonderful property was commissioned, built and occupied by Grand, er, this most distinguished of gentlemen.

Please, if you will, note the coat of arms above the entrance to the remissa. No, I agree it's not there any more, but that is where the Grand Master... thing's coat of arms was once carved. And with a little ingenuity and the services of a competent stonemason, I'm sure you will be able to recreate it and restore it to its proper place.

Now, please permit me to lead you on through to the great hall. Impressive, isn't it, and with just a minimum of work it will convert into the obligatory mill room sitting room - which is an essential component of any house of character, I'm sure you'll agree. Kitchen? Yes, of course, permit me to lead you on through, please take care you don't fall over that pile of rubble. Here we are, the grand kitchen.

No, fine - agreed, at the moment it doesn't look much like a posh kitchen ad, but once the roof is in place, the floor has been levelled, the walls pointed, and the white goods and units moved in, you will have a state-of-the-art kitchen that will be the envy of all your well-heeled friends.

Water and electricity? Ah, now that may well take a bit longer to install. But once we sign the promise of sale, I can put in an application to have both services connected - and I'm certain that within a reasonable period of time, all essential services will be yours.

I beg your pardon? Yes, of course there's a second storey, reached via the grand staircase - which is temporarily not there any more. And yes, certainly you may see upstairs. But I don't recommend it just now, since it has to be reached by climbing up the outside walls and neither of you look as though that would be a straightforward task. Besides the ceilings are not - what you might describe as - safe. Much better to wait until your mason has secured, or more probably, replaced them. Oh, no please, don't lean against that wall. It's a retaining wall and - oh dear. Yes, well it's nothing that can't be rebuilt... in the proscribed rustic style naturally. At least, the fact that the ceiling had caved in many years ago meant that couldn't drop onto our heads and bury us alive, eh.

Garden area? Why certainly, it's out here, just past the goat shed, yeah OK, the ruins of the goat shed. Make a nice pool room would that, when restored. And here we are in, what could be a truly lovely garden. And, there is ample space for a swimming pool. Oh sure, but a splash pool is better than nothing, right?

Those garages? Oh, don't worry about them, and the noise coming from that one, which may or may not have been granted permission to operate as an aluminium workshop. Oh no, that noise is minimal, he's only allowed to operate between the hours of 7 a.m and midnight and....

Where are you going?

Please, come back, we've got the promise of sale to sign. I have it here with...

People don't know a good thing when it hits them in the eye.