Q. I was asked to go into my son's school last week and was horrified to learn he has been bullying some of the younger children.
I had no idea.
He's nine and, although he became a bit aggressive after I split with his father, I hadn't appreciated that it was directed anywhere other than at me. Now, I fear I've bred a monster and I feel so guilty and humiliated.
The school have said they are going to keep an eye on the situation and want me to work with them to sort this out. But I am so embarrassed. What can I do? T.R.
A. You can work with your son's school to help them help an angry, confused little boy. It may be that his father's departure has affected his behaviour but that doesn't mean it's your fault. And I don't suppose the school is accusing you of encouraging this. Odd as it may seem, I suspect your feelings stem from your own school days.
Being called to see the headmaster probably took you right back to when you were hauled up before the head for some misdemeanour or another.
That was then and this is now. And what you need to do now is work in partnership with the school, not embark on a guilt trip.
I am sure the school will help your son, but if you feel you want to do more, you could seek help from a psychologist. They recognise that bullies are often just as much victims as the people who are bullied and work to help them too. I am sure that, with your help and support, your son will come through this.
Q. My fiancée and I have bought a house together and made plans for a wedding later this summer. Now I have found out that she's been having an affair. I thought we knew each other better than this ‒ we've been together for 10 years.
I asked her to move out but she has promised me it's all over and says she wants to stay and work things out. I do love her but I just feel so hurt and don't know if I can ever trust her again. Is there any hope for our relationship or should I sell the house and move on? J.G.
A. The two of you have been together a long time and to throw away 10 years, without getting to the root of the problem, seems like a bit of a waste to me. And the fact that you've written to me suggests that perhaps you feel the same way too.
Your fiancée made a mistake and she's acknowledged this. She also needs to be aware that, if she wants the relationship to continue, she has to restore the trust she's damaged.
Also important is the need to find out what went wrong. Perhaps she felt she was settling down before she was really ready or maybe there is something fundamentally wrong in your relationship that might, in part, be down to you.
Whatever the cause, until you've identified and discussed it, I think it would be risky to simply resume your relationship. That said, if you're both prepared to work at this and the affair is genuinely over, I see no reason why your relationship can't be saved. Moreover, it's likely to be all the stronger because you'll know how to identify and resolve potential problems.
Q. I've been lucky in my life. Both my parents are alive and well, my husband is kind and loving and I have two great kids. My best friend, though, has had one rotten relationship after another, her marriage failed, she's been unable to have children, both her parents have died recently and now her boyfriend's dumped her.
I've never seen her so unhappy and my heart bleeds for her. It seems so unfair.
I know she doesn't confide in anyone else but me, but how earth do I help her pull back from this latest crisis and get back on her feet? K.V.
A. You are doing what any good friend should do and that is being there for her and showing her you care. But you have to accept that you can't change her life for her. That said, her pattern of failed relationship suggests something about her that could, with professional support, be resolved. So when she is feeling a bit stronger, I suggest you encourage her to speak to a counsellor.
A counsellor would be able to help her see a pattern in her behaviour that might be triggering these relationships failures and suggest strategies for making changes.
There is nothing you or anyone else can give her to mend a broken heart but with time and a range of new experiences it should eventually heal.
Being a good friend to someone can sometimes mean simply "being there". You've done it in the past and I'm sure you will want to do it again now.
She has a good friend in you and when she is feeling better about things, I am sure she will appreciate this fact.
Q. I've known for about five years that I'm gay but I haven't come out or told anyone. I feel very lonely and would like to confide in my mum, but I'm 19 and I know she will say it's a phase I will grow out of.
I'm also worried that she will think it's somehow her "fault", but it's no one's fault, it's just the way I am. How do I go about telling her? G.A.
A. It's always hard for a child to tell a parent something they think will upset or shock them but quite often parents have an instinct about such things. I'm sure you know that being gay isn't caused by anything anyone else does or says but your mother may need to be reminded of this.
As to how you tell her, you simply need to do it. Trying to find the perfect moment will simply build up the tension ‒ making it worse for you and making her wonder what is to come.
Your mother may have hoped you would marry and bring her grandchildren one day so she may feel loss and disappointment as she comes to terms with the fact that this probably isn't going to happen. Give her time to adjust, but I am sure you will find her biggest concern for you in life is that you are happy and healthy.
While there are still some sad and ignorant people who can't cope with homosexuality, most people nowadays are accepting. I hope you find your mother is one of them.
Malta's Gay Rights Movement may be contaced on 21430009.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.
I had no idea.
He's nine and, although he became a bit aggressive after I split with his father, I hadn't appreciated that it was directed anywhere other than at me. Now, I fear I've bred a monster and I feel so guilty and humiliated.
The school have said they are going to keep an eye on the situation and want me to work with them to sort this out. But I am so embarrassed. What can I do? T.R.
A. You can work with your son's school to help them help an angry, confused little boy. It may be that his father's departure has affected his behaviour but that doesn't mean it's your fault. And I don't suppose the school is accusing you of encouraging this. Odd as it may seem, I suspect your feelings stem from your own school days.
Being called to see the headmaster probably took you right back to when you were hauled up before the head for some misdemeanour or another.
That was then and this is now. And what you need to do now is work in partnership with the school, not embark on a guilt trip.
I am sure the school will help your son, but if you feel you want to do more, you could seek help from a psychologist. They recognise that bullies are often just as much victims as the people who are bullied and work to help them too. I am sure that, with your help and support, your son will come through this.
Q. My fiancée and I have bought a house together and made plans for a wedding later this summer. Now I have found out that she's been having an affair. I thought we knew each other better than this ‒ we've been together for 10 years.
I asked her to move out but she has promised me it's all over and says she wants to stay and work things out. I do love her but I just feel so hurt and don't know if I can ever trust her again. Is there any hope for our relationship or should I sell the house and move on? J.G.
A. The two of you have been together a long time and to throw away 10 years, without getting to the root of the problem, seems like a bit of a waste to me. And the fact that you've written to me suggests that perhaps you feel the same way too.
Your fiancée made a mistake and she's acknowledged this. She also needs to be aware that, if she wants the relationship to continue, she has to restore the trust she's damaged.
Also important is the need to find out what went wrong. Perhaps she felt she was settling down before she was really ready or maybe there is something fundamentally wrong in your relationship that might, in part, be down to you.
Whatever the cause, until you've identified and discussed it, I think it would be risky to simply resume your relationship. That said, if you're both prepared to work at this and the affair is genuinely over, I see no reason why your relationship can't be saved. Moreover, it's likely to be all the stronger because you'll know how to identify and resolve potential problems.
Q. I've been lucky in my life. Both my parents are alive and well, my husband is kind and loving and I have two great kids. My best friend, though, has had one rotten relationship after another, her marriage failed, she's been unable to have children, both her parents have died recently and now her boyfriend's dumped her.
I've never seen her so unhappy and my heart bleeds for her. It seems so unfair.
I know she doesn't confide in anyone else but me, but how earth do I help her pull back from this latest crisis and get back on her feet? K.V.
A. You are doing what any good friend should do and that is being there for her and showing her you care. But you have to accept that you can't change her life for her. That said, her pattern of failed relationship suggests something about her that could, with professional support, be resolved. So when she is feeling a bit stronger, I suggest you encourage her to speak to a counsellor.
A counsellor would be able to help her see a pattern in her behaviour that might be triggering these relationships failures and suggest strategies for making changes.
There is nothing you or anyone else can give her to mend a broken heart but with time and a range of new experiences it should eventually heal.
Being a good friend to someone can sometimes mean simply "being there". You've done it in the past and I'm sure you will want to do it again now.
She has a good friend in you and when she is feeling better about things, I am sure she will appreciate this fact.
Q. I've known for about five years that I'm gay but I haven't come out or told anyone. I feel very lonely and would like to confide in my mum, but I'm 19 and I know she will say it's a phase I will grow out of.
I'm also worried that she will think it's somehow her "fault", but it's no one's fault, it's just the way I am. How do I go about telling her? G.A.
A. It's always hard for a child to tell a parent something they think will upset or shock them but quite often parents have an instinct about such things. I'm sure you know that being gay isn't caused by anything anyone else does or says but your mother may need to be reminded of this.
As to how you tell her, you simply need to do it. Trying to find the perfect moment will simply build up the tension ‒ making it worse for you and making her wonder what is to come.
Your mother may have hoped you would marry and bring her grandchildren one day so she may feel loss and disappointment as she comes to terms with the fact that this probably isn't going to happen. Give her time to adjust, but I am sure you will find her biggest concern for you in life is that you are happy and healthy.
While there are still some sad and ignorant people who can't cope with homosexuality, most people nowadays are accepting. I hope you find your mother is one of them.
Malta's Gay Rights Movement may be contaced on 21430009.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.