The Fiona Caine column
If you have a problem or dilemma that you can't cope with alone or need advice, Fiona Caine is here to help you and offer support and encouragement
Q. My daughter has a new boyfriend who has stayed with us several times over the last couple of months. My husband and I have been quite happy about this. We thought it would help our daughter to have a more normal relationship than snatched moments together. But now we are having second thoughts.
He is a strange, reclusive young man who only comes out of the bedroom to eat or go out with our daughter. When we do see him he is silent and standoffish ‒ almost rude. Both my husband and I have tried to engage him in conversation but it gets us nowhere and I am not sure how much more I am prepared to take.
I don't want to spoil things for my daughter but I don't see why I should have to cope with this any more. Should I say he can't stay any more or is that unfair? S.H.
A. It's not hard to see why you would find this anti-social behaviour difficult but have you considered the possibility that he is painfully shy? Their relationship seems quite recent and if you push hard against it you might just encourage your daughter into making more of it than she really wants, or means to do.
He may not be sure about his feelings for your daughter yet and perhaps has a very different kind of relationship with his own parents. In short, he may simply not know how to talk to you. Please try to give him a bit more time. Once he's had a chance to get to know you and your daughter a little better, things could be a lot easier. However, it wouldn't hurt to have a quiet word with your daughter to try and find out if he is normally so reclusive.
Q. When my sister left her husband six years ago she moved, with her children, back in with our mother. And she's lived there rent-free since. I also know that my mother has given her nearly all of her savings. I suppose, in a way, it was good that she was there because my mother fell ill two years ago and needed a full-time carer. This illness lasted a long time and sadly she died two months ago.
It was painful and we all miss her. What's also causing me grief is my sister's attitude. When I suggested that we should sell mother's house, she became very angry. She said that it was her home and that I had no right to ask her to move. I'm afraid that I too lost my temper and pointed out that I have been struggling to make ends meet for years. I am a lone parent with two children ‒ my husband having left me last year ‒ and I find it very hard to find work that fits in with this.
I know that my sister loves this house and I really didn't mean to upset her ‒ but why can't she see that it's only bricks and mortar? I'm in trouble and don't understand why she is not prepared to help. The house is too big for her anyway! C.L.
A. There's a lot of anger flying around here and you'll both need to keep it under control if you're to find a solution to this problem. Given that you're both still grieving over the death of your mother, I suspect this will not be easy. People react to grief in different ways and anger is quite common.
However, please talk with your sister. Apologise for losing your temper and explain that, like her, you miss your mother. Explain that you simply saw this as a means to making it easier for you to look after your children and that the last thing you wanted to do was upset her. Show her that you're hurting too and I am sure this will go a long way to ease this situation.
Then, hopefully, you can begin to work together to find a solution. One that occurs to me immediately is that you could share the house. That way you'd also be able to live rent-free, too, and that should certainly make it easier for you.
Finally, if all else fails you may have to consider legal advice. I really do hope, though, that this proves to be unnecessary. Good luck.
Q. I am 21 and weigh eight stone and two pounds. I've been this weight for over two years and I suppose I should be happy about it. However, a number of people have told me that, while I am attractive, I am too thin.
So for the past six months I have been trying to put on some weight. In fact, I now eat like a horse and regularly but my weight hasn't changed one bit. I know this probably sounds bizarre when everyone else is trying to slim down but do you know of any way that I can gain weight? J.Y.
A. If you've already tried eating more I can only suggest that you try adding muscle through weight training, etc. However, if you're otherwise fit, healthy and happy at this weight why put yourself through this? I suggest you ignore these people who think you are too thin. Accept that you have a system that allows you to eat what you like and try to stop worrying.
20080308-lifestyle--fiona.jpgQ. Why do I resent other people's success? I have always been like this. I can even remember being very angry as a young child when a friend of mine got a gold star in her work and I didn't. These days these same feelings are triggered whenever I read or see a news item about someone who has been successful at something. I also find that my training course causes a lot of resentment, especially when other people in the group get better grades than me. Why am I like this? Why can't I just accept that I can't be the best at everything and be happy for other people? H.L.
A. You know that you can't go on like this ‒ if you do, you'll grow to feel negative about everything that you attempt and then you're setting yourself up to fail before you even start.
So, rather than continually comparing yourself unfavourably with what others are doing, why not set your own goals and standards? Then, when you achieve them ‒ give yourself a reward of some sort. And this doesn't need to be limited to exam or business success. Why not give yourself a mental pat on the back after every kind act, job finished or new friendship made? These are just examples ‒ I am sure you can think of others. Finally, you could also try to break free of the idea that you need to "achieve" whenever you do something. Sometimes just doing (and enjoying it) is rewarding enough. Good luck.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.
He is a strange, reclusive young man who only comes out of the bedroom to eat or go out with our daughter. When we do see him he is silent and standoffish ‒ almost rude. Both my husband and I have tried to engage him in conversation but it gets us nowhere and I am not sure how much more I am prepared to take.
I don't want to spoil things for my daughter but I don't see why I should have to cope with this any more. Should I say he can't stay any more or is that unfair? S.H.
A. It's not hard to see why you would find this anti-social behaviour difficult but have you considered the possibility that he is painfully shy? Their relationship seems quite recent and if you push hard against it you might just encourage your daughter into making more of it than she really wants, or means to do.
He may not be sure about his feelings for your daughter yet and perhaps has a very different kind of relationship with his own parents. In short, he may simply not know how to talk to you. Please try to give him a bit more time. Once he's had a chance to get to know you and your daughter a little better, things could be a lot easier. However, it wouldn't hurt to have a quiet word with your daughter to try and find out if he is normally so reclusive.
Q. When my sister left her husband six years ago she moved, with her children, back in with our mother. And she's lived there rent-free since. I also know that my mother has given her nearly all of her savings. I suppose, in a way, it was good that she was there because my mother fell ill two years ago and needed a full-time carer. This illness lasted a long time and sadly she died two months ago.
It was painful and we all miss her. What's also causing me grief is my sister's attitude. When I suggested that we should sell mother's house, she became very angry. She said that it was her home and that I had no right to ask her to move. I'm afraid that I too lost my temper and pointed out that I have been struggling to make ends meet for years. I am a lone parent with two children ‒ my husband having left me last year ‒ and I find it very hard to find work that fits in with this.
I know that my sister loves this house and I really didn't mean to upset her ‒ but why can't she see that it's only bricks and mortar? I'm in trouble and don't understand why she is not prepared to help. The house is too big for her anyway! C.L.
A. There's a lot of anger flying around here and you'll both need to keep it under control if you're to find a solution to this problem. Given that you're both still grieving over the death of your mother, I suspect this will not be easy. People react to grief in different ways and anger is quite common.
However, please talk with your sister. Apologise for losing your temper and explain that, like her, you miss your mother. Explain that you simply saw this as a means to making it easier for you to look after your children and that the last thing you wanted to do was upset her. Show her that you're hurting too and I am sure this will go a long way to ease this situation.
Then, hopefully, you can begin to work together to find a solution. One that occurs to me immediately is that you could share the house. That way you'd also be able to live rent-free, too, and that should certainly make it easier for you.
Finally, if all else fails you may have to consider legal advice. I really do hope, though, that this proves to be unnecessary. Good luck.
Q. I am 21 and weigh eight stone and two pounds. I've been this weight for over two years and I suppose I should be happy about it. However, a number of people have told me that, while I am attractive, I am too thin.
So for the past six months I have been trying to put on some weight. In fact, I now eat like a horse and regularly but my weight hasn't changed one bit. I know this probably sounds bizarre when everyone else is trying to slim down but do you know of any way that I can gain weight? J.Y.
A. If you've already tried eating more I can only suggest that you try adding muscle through weight training, etc. However, if you're otherwise fit, healthy and happy at this weight why put yourself through this? I suggest you ignore these people who think you are too thin. Accept that you have a system that allows you to eat what you like and try to stop worrying.
20080308-lifestyle--fiona.jpgQ. Why do I resent other people's success? I have always been like this. I can even remember being very angry as a young child when a friend of mine got a gold star in her work and I didn't. These days these same feelings are triggered whenever I read or see a news item about someone who has been successful at something. I also find that my training course causes a lot of resentment, especially when other people in the group get better grades than me. Why am I like this? Why can't I just accept that I can't be the best at everything and be happy for other people? H.L.
A. You know that you can't go on like this ‒ if you do, you'll grow to feel negative about everything that you attempt and then you're setting yourself up to fail before you even start.
So, rather than continually comparing yourself unfavourably with what others are doing, why not set your own goals and standards? Then, when you achieve them ‒ give yourself a reward of some sort. And this doesn't need to be limited to exam or business success. Why not give yourself a mental pat on the back after every kind act, job finished or new friendship made? These are just examples ‒ I am sure you can think of others. Finally, you could also try to break free of the idea that you need to "achieve" whenever you do something. Sometimes just doing (and enjoying it) is rewarding enough. Good luck.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.