Motherhood without guilt
Many stay-at-home mothers, when asked the dreaded question "What do you do?" answer sheepishly "I'm just a mum". Sadly, it seems to be undervalued not only by many people in our society, but also often by the stay-at-home mothers themselves. No one is just a mum. Being a mum is very hard work, and being a stay-at-home mum is a very important endeavour
Gender equality may have come a long way since the days when women were considered the "weaker sex". Nowadays we are encouraged, or rather expected, to have a career and "make a contribution to society".
While traditionalists would have mothers stop working, at least for a few years, to raise her child, modern opinion tends to favour the mother's return to work months after having a child. The choice is ostensibly the mother's to make, but for most women it's a case of being stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea.
Caroline has two children, Molly, now five, and two-year-old Jack. Returning to work 18 months after Molly's birth she says she constantly felt as if she was missing her daughter's pivotal progress.
"Juggling my work commitments with Molly's childcare wore me down especially as I had an irregular schedule. Besides, our parents were sharing Molly's care meaning that she had three different routines depending on who was taking care of her.
"When I was pregnant with Jack I decided that I would prefer to take extended parental leave. I was sure this was the best decision to take, especially as the burden of caring for two children would have been too much for my parents and in-laws to handle."
Although the decision may have been a natural one for Caroline, her husband Mark was concerned about the financial implications. The family was losing a significant portion of their income while facing the considerable expense involved in rearing two young children.
"My relief at being able to afford to stop working for a while was tempered with a sense of unease at how tight our finances were going to be until I returned to work."
Two years later, Caroline is still having mixed feelings; while she describes spending time with her children as "out of this world", she feels she has "faded out of life".
"My career offered me a great deal of satisfaction as well as an in-built circle of acquaintances. Over the past 24 months I've lost touch with my colleagues; at the start I went to the gatherings I was invited to but in time, I started to feel like the outsider I have become. The office gossip holds little interest for me and while I am raising youngsters, my colleagues are dealing with teenagers so there is no longer any common ground between us.
Being reserved by nature, Caroline has found it difficult to make new friends leaving her with a restricted social circle. "I collect Molly from school every day, making small talk with the other parents as we wait outside for the children. I know that some of them have become friends and sometimes meet for coffee but I remain on the fringes of the group."
"Sometimes, I can go for days without having a meaningful conversation with anyone but Mark or my mum. This is especially true if the children are ill because then I am completely tied up with caring for them and have no time or energy to spend on chit chat."
Caroline shakes her head ruefully as she ponders how her life has changed since she has been at home "full time". Her voice rings with frustration as she thinks out loud: "I always ended my day by ticking off completed tasks from my 'to-do list' - now I don't even have a list. The days merge into one seamless routine of cleaning and cooking with very little to show for any of my efforts at the end of a busy day."
On top of this Caroline and husband Mark, have not had an uninterrupted night's sleep since Jack was born. "He brings a new meaning to 'restless sleeper' and is wide awake by 5 a.m. every day. There is no logic to us both being up at the crack of dawn so I usually wake up with Jack letting Mark get some sleep during the week and we swap roles on weekends."
While Jack makes up for his early dawn by taking a nap on the way to collect Molly from school, the lack of sleep is taking its toll on his mother. Previously Caroline always read the newspapers and watched both local and foreign news bulletins; she now "barely glances at the paper" and rarely watches the news anymore.
"Sitting down with the paper after putting the children to sleep has become something of a sleeping potion; I doze off before getting to page 5," she smiles wryly.
Sarah, who stopped working nearly seven years ago, identifies with Caroline's experience saying "at one point I felt as if I'd dropped off the face of the earth, becoming the children's mummy and Simon's wife; full stop."
Now that Sarah's children are older, she is making more time for herself but acknowledges that the first years can feel very isolating. Looking back to when she stopped working Sarah remembers having a set of "comfortable, baggy clothes" to wear indoors. "When I came home from work and changed out of my uniform into my 'indoor clothes' it was liberating; when I lived in them all the time, I started to feel untidy."
Both women feel that their family's reduced income meant there was less money to spare on clothes and personal grooming. "Having stopped earning money, I feel guilty spending money on clothes that I shall only wear for the school run and daily errands," Sarah explains.
Caroline empathises and puts this down to feeling undervalued as a stay-at-home mother which decimates one's confidence.
"Friends and family ask when I intend returning to work as if I am currently wasting my time. I'd never realised how much importance we place on people's careers before but being a stay-at-home mum is equated by some people with being 'unintelligent and unmotivated'. In reality I have never worked as hard as I do now; the difference is that before I made an income, now I get paid in hugs and kisses."
Does either woman regret her decision? The answer is a resounding no! "I am doing the most important work I will ever do" Sarah says earnestly "but I hope my children will find it easier to step away from their career when it's time for them to raise their family."
* Names have all been changed.
Family therapist Elaine Grech, who has recently had a child of her own, points to various factors that influence the experience of anyone deciding to stay at home for family reasons.
"Women staying at home to raise their children is the most common scenario, but both men and women are now taking a break from their careers to raise children or care for elderly relatives. The process is the same for both genders regardless of the reason for making the change.
Whose decision was it?
When the couple agrees together, there is a synergy in their outlook and values which adds value to the woman's new role in the family.
The decision to stop working can be imposed by family pressure or simply due to an inadequate infrastructure. In such cases the stay-at-home parent may feel the "sacrifice" while transversely, a spouse "forced" to become the sole income earner may be less supportive of his partner's decision to stop working.
Preparation is key
Change is always stressful, even when we are talking about happy changes such as marriage and having children.
Preparing for change is key to making the transition more smoothly. A couple preparing for one spouse to stop work should make firm plans on how to deal with the necessary changes. Setting a new budget in line with their new financial situation and deciding on who will deal with what, will minimise misunderstandings later on.
As one prepares to leave a career behind, even on a temporary basis, it would be wise to talk to friends and colleagues who have already taken the step. This will often provide a new insight into how things may change, perhaps highlighting factors you had not considered previously.
Parenting and antenatal classes can also be very helpful in meeting others who are going through the same experiences. Sometimes the realisation that we are not alone in experiencing certain feelings, especially negative ones, is comfort enough.
Loss of identity
A satisfying career becomes a defining part of who we are and although raising your children can be very fulfilling, parents can miss the stimulation of work and the adult interaction that goes with it.
Keeping in touch with colleagues and your chosen profession helps to lessen feelings of isolation. Keeping up with current events in your field, and perhaps attending courses and seminars if possible, will also help your eventual return to work.
The loss of one's job will also lead, to some extent, to the loss of one's independence which can in turn cause a crisis of confidence. This is where preparation and support of your spouse becomes crucial.
Being there
The importance of being available to our children cannot be underestimated; but "being available" goes beyond simply being present at home. For the family to reap the benefits, the at-home parent must be emotionally and intellectually available and this is best achieved if the entire family supports and values the decision to stop working.
The chances of feeling isolated are greatly decreased when the family unit support and value each member's contribution to family life.
While traditionalists would have mothers stop working, at least for a few years, to raise her child, modern opinion tends to favour the mother's return to work months after having a child. The choice is ostensibly the mother's to make, but for most women it's a case of being stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea.
Caroline has two children, Molly, now five, and two-year-old Jack. Returning to work 18 months after Molly's birth she says she constantly felt as if she was missing her daughter's pivotal progress.
"Juggling my work commitments with Molly's childcare wore me down especially as I had an irregular schedule. Besides, our parents were sharing Molly's care meaning that she had three different routines depending on who was taking care of her.
"When I was pregnant with Jack I decided that I would prefer to take extended parental leave. I was sure this was the best decision to take, especially as the burden of caring for two children would have been too much for my parents and in-laws to handle."
Although the decision may have been a natural one for Caroline, her husband Mark was concerned about the financial implications. The family was losing a significant portion of their income while facing the considerable expense involved in rearing two young children.
"My relief at being able to afford to stop working for a while was tempered with a sense of unease at how tight our finances were going to be until I returned to work."
Two years later, Caroline is still having mixed feelings; while she describes spending time with her children as "out of this world", she feels she has "faded out of life".
"My career offered me a great deal of satisfaction as well as an in-built circle of acquaintances. Over the past 24 months I've lost touch with my colleagues; at the start I went to the gatherings I was invited to but in time, I started to feel like the outsider I have become. The office gossip holds little interest for me and while I am raising youngsters, my colleagues are dealing with teenagers so there is no longer any common ground between us.
Being reserved by nature, Caroline has found it difficult to make new friends leaving her with a restricted social circle. "I collect Molly from school every day, making small talk with the other parents as we wait outside for the children. I know that some of them have become friends and sometimes meet for coffee but I remain on the fringes of the group."
"Sometimes, I can go for days without having a meaningful conversation with anyone but Mark or my mum. This is especially true if the children are ill because then I am completely tied up with caring for them and have no time or energy to spend on chit chat."
Caroline shakes her head ruefully as she ponders how her life has changed since she has been at home "full time". Her voice rings with frustration as she thinks out loud: "I always ended my day by ticking off completed tasks from my 'to-do list' - now I don't even have a list. The days merge into one seamless routine of cleaning and cooking with very little to show for any of my efforts at the end of a busy day."
On top of this Caroline and husband Mark, have not had an uninterrupted night's sleep since Jack was born. "He brings a new meaning to 'restless sleeper' and is wide awake by 5 a.m. every day. There is no logic to us both being up at the crack of dawn so I usually wake up with Jack letting Mark get some sleep during the week and we swap roles on weekends."
While Jack makes up for his early dawn by taking a nap on the way to collect Molly from school, the lack of sleep is taking its toll on his mother. Previously Caroline always read the newspapers and watched both local and foreign news bulletins; she now "barely glances at the paper" and rarely watches the news anymore.
"Sitting down with the paper after putting the children to sleep has become something of a sleeping potion; I doze off before getting to page 5," she smiles wryly.
Sarah, who stopped working nearly seven years ago, identifies with Caroline's experience saying "at one point I felt as if I'd dropped off the face of the earth, becoming the children's mummy and Simon's wife; full stop."
Now that Sarah's children are older, she is making more time for herself but acknowledges that the first years can feel very isolating. Looking back to when she stopped working Sarah remembers having a set of "comfortable, baggy clothes" to wear indoors. "When I came home from work and changed out of my uniform into my 'indoor clothes' it was liberating; when I lived in them all the time, I started to feel untidy."
Both women feel that their family's reduced income meant there was less money to spare on clothes and personal grooming. "Having stopped earning money, I feel guilty spending money on clothes that I shall only wear for the school run and daily errands," Sarah explains.
Caroline empathises and puts this down to feeling undervalued as a stay-at-home mother which decimates one's confidence.
"Friends and family ask when I intend returning to work as if I am currently wasting my time. I'd never realised how much importance we place on people's careers before but being a stay-at-home mum is equated by some people with being 'unintelligent and unmotivated'. In reality I have never worked as hard as I do now; the difference is that before I made an income, now I get paid in hugs and kisses."
Does either woman regret her decision? The answer is a resounding no! "I am doing the most important work I will ever do" Sarah says earnestly "but I hope my children will find it easier to step away from their career when it's time for them to raise their family."
* Names have all been changed.
Family therapist Elaine Grech, who has recently had a child of her own, points to various factors that influence the experience of anyone deciding to stay at home for family reasons.
"Women staying at home to raise their children is the most common scenario, but both men and women are now taking a break from their careers to raise children or care for elderly relatives. The process is the same for both genders regardless of the reason for making the change.
Whose decision was it?
When the couple agrees together, there is a synergy in their outlook and values which adds value to the woman's new role in the family.
The decision to stop working can be imposed by family pressure or simply due to an inadequate infrastructure. In such cases the stay-at-home parent may feel the "sacrifice" while transversely, a spouse "forced" to become the sole income earner may be less supportive of his partner's decision to stop working.
Preparation is key
Change is always stressful, even when we are talking about happy changes such as marriage and having children.
Preparing for change is key to making the transition more smoothly. A couple preparing for one spouse to stop work should make firm plans on how to deal with the necessary changes. Setting a new budget in line with their new financial situation and deciding on who will deal with what, will minimise misunderstandings later on.
As one prepares to leave a career behind, even on a temporary basis, it would be wise to talk to friends and colleagues who have already taken the step. This will often provide a new insight into how things may change, perhaps highlighting factors you had not considered previously.
Parenting and antenatal classes can also be very helpful in meeting others who are going through the same experiences. Sometimes the realisation that we are not alone in experiencing certain feelings, especially negative ones, is comfort enough.
Loss of identity
A satisfying career becomes a defining part of who we are and although raising your children can be very fulfilling, parents can miss the stimulation of work and the adult interaction that goes with it.
Keeping in touch with colleagues and your chosen profession helps to lessen feelings of isolation. Keeping up with current events in your field, and perhaps attending courses and seminars if possible, will also help your eventual return to work.
The loss of one's job will also lead, to some extent, to the loss of one's independence which can in turn cause a crisis of confidence. This is where preparation and support of your spouse becomes crucial.
Being there
The importance of being available to our children cannot be underestimated; but "being available" goes beyond simply being present at home. For the family to reap the benefits, the at-home parent must be emotionally and intellectually available and this is best achieved if the entire family supports and values the decision to stop working.
The chances of feeling isolated are greatly decreased when the family unit support and value each member's contribution to family life.