The Fiona Caine column
If you have a problem or dilemma that you can't cope with alone or need advice, Fiona Caine is here to help you and offer support and encouragement
Q. I know I am not a tidy person and I've had a tendency, for many years, to just stuff things into cardboard boxes and pile them up. As a result, my house looks like we've just moved in rather than having been here for nine years!
My husband is fed up and really wants me to tidy up, but every time I go to empty one of my boxes, I find things I had forgotten I had and that I don't want to part with. It's a never-ending nightmare because the scale of the task is so daunting. Any brilliant ideas? F.E.
A. An old friend of mine used to use the expression "eat your elephant one bite at a time!" ? not that I am advocating elephant eating but I hope you get the idea. Don't think of it as hundreds of boxes, just tackle "this" box and when it is done, do the next one.
Empty a box onto the floor and be as ruthless as you can ? ask yourself if it's essential, beautiful or if it moves your heart in some way. If it doesn't and you've done nothing with it for the past 18 months, get rid of it.
Plan to tackle just one box a day ? don't even try to do more to begin with, and at the end of the week, count how many boxes you've done.
This is where your husband can help too ? one box and he makes you a cup of tea; two boxes earn you a glass of your favourite tipple; five boxes and he cooks dinner for you and 10 boxes in a week earns you a night out!
Get him to help you make up your own incentives to help you keep you on target. Once you have got to the end of your "elephant" be firm with yourself and get rid of junk before it accumulates.
If something has to be kept, see if something else can be thrown out in place of it. It seems ruthless but if you don't you risk getting into a state again and that, after all the hard work, would be a shame.
Q. My husband has always enjoyed an occasional drink and quite often I've been happy to join him. To the best of my knowledge, though, he never drank alone.
All that changed a couple of months ago. To begin with, I would come in from work and find him with a beer glass in his hand.
Since then, I've come in several times and found him quite drunk. I've tried to ask him why he's started drinking like this but all he says is he's earned it so why shouldn't he enjoy it. However, he's got belligerent and moody; he's put on a lot of weight and his skin is damp and sweaty.
Something is clearly wrong but I don't know if it's the drink or if something else is the problem. I still love him and want to help but where do I start? J.M.
A. Since he retired, my husband's father has been a great grandfather to our kids. He has helped me hugely by taking them for outings while I get on with things around the house. He really enjoys spoiling them.
My husband seemed to be getting more and more resentful when the kids talked about what they had done with granddad. I tried to ask him what was wrong but he wouldn't tell me.
Finally, last week, he snapped and said he found it hard that his dad had all this time for his grandchildren but had never had any time for him.
Apparently, as a child, my husband found his father uncaring and distant and he grew up hating his dad. As he grew older, he'd buried his feelings for his mother's sake. Now, though, he hates him all over again for "taking his children away from him".
I'd no idea about his feelings and now I don't know what to do for the best. He works long hours and is often away from home, plus the children really get on with their granddad. I would have said his father must have changed but how do I get my husband to see that? How do I help him? A.C.
Q. Sometimes it only takes a problem or a worry of some kind to turn a social drinker into an alcoholic. Because the change in his habits came on so suddenly and because he is moody and aggressive, I think that something has changed in his life to upset him.
Could he be worried about his job or about money? Has he got a health worry you don't know about? Has something happened to undermine his self-esteem or alternatively is he fed up with his job? Has your job or status changed to rival his?
When he is sober ? perhaps in the morning or at the weekend ? try to encourage him to talk about his concerns. Tell him you love him but tell him you are worried about how he has changed.
If he does open up and talk, it may be enough to resolve his drink problem. If not, you could contact Alcoholics Anonymous for further advice. Their number is 2123 9264.
A. I am sure your husband is feeling isolated from his wife and children by his work and watching someone else fulfil the role he would like to have must be very upsetting.
The fact that the person taking that role happens to be the father who didn't provide what he wanted from a parent anyway must be very galling.
Perhaps his father has realised that, in the role of grandparent, he now has the chance to be the father he wanted to be. He may even regret what happened between him and his son and may be thinking this is a means of making amends. If only the two of them could really talk to one another, I think they would both be surprised at how the other felt.
At the moment your husband is feeling all the resentment of a young boy thinking "why couldn't my dad be like that with me?". He is probably very unhappy, confused and jealous. If they could clear the air between them, I'm sure they could start to build a new relationship.
However, your husband has hidden these feelings for a long time and his levels of resentment could run deep. He may need help to explore his feelings before he can talk to his father.
Q. My wife and I are older parents (I'm 41, she's 39) and we've just had our wonderful little girl three months ago. This should be a wonderful time for us but my wife seems to have found it hard to adjust to being a mother.
She gave up a very high-powered job but now she is constantly miserable, saying she is a dreadful mother and crying most of the time.
I've tried to help as much as I can so she can sleep through the night at least sometimes, and I've tried to do things to cheer her up as well but nothing works.
Shouldn't the doctor have picked up on what a state she is in? Or should I tell him myself? S.U.
A. If your wife is suffering from post-natal illness, there is little you can do to "cure" her. She has a medical condition and needs help. Post-natal illness affects quite a reasonable number of people.
Often, women affected by it feel incapable of coping. That leads to guilt and they can cover up their feelings in front of health professionals, which may be why they haven't been aware of her condition.
She needs your support right now, so rather than tell her GP about her problems, she needs encouragement to do so herself. Once she understands how normal this condition is and how many people it affects she may start to realise she is not an abnormal mother. Getting out and about meeting other mums might also help.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.
My husband is fed up and really wants me to tidy up, but every time I go to empty one of my boxes, I find things I had forgotten I had and that I don't want to part with. It's a never-ending nightmare because the scale of the task is so daunting. Any brilliant ideas? F.E.
A. An old friend of mine used to use the expression "eat your elephant one bite at a time!" ? not that I am advocating elephant eating but I hope you get the idea. Don't think of it as hundreds of boxes, just tackle "this" box and when it is done, do the next one.
Empty a box onto the floor and be as ruthless as you can ? ask yourself if it's essential, beautiful or if it moves your heart in some way. If it doesn't and you've done nothing with it for the past 18 months, get rid of it.
Plan to tackle just one box a day ? don't even try to do more to begin with, and at the end of the week, count how many boxes you've done.
This is where your husband can help too ? one box and he makes you a cup of tea; two boxes earn you a glass of your favourite tipple; five boxes and he cooks dinner for you and 10 boxes in a week earns you a night out!
Get him to help you make up your own incentives to help you keep you on target. Once you have got to the end of your "elephant" be firm with yourself and get rid of junk before it accumulates.
If something has to be kept, see if something else can be thrown out in place of it. It seems ruthless but if you don't you risk getting into a state again and that, after all the hard work, would be a shame.
Q. My husband has always enjoyed an occasional drink and quite often I've been happy to join him. To the best of my knowledge, though, he never drank alone.
All that changed a couple of months ago. To begin with, I would come in from work and find him with a beer glass in his hand.
Since then, I've come in several times and found him quite drunk. I've tried to ask him why he's started drinking like this but all he says is he's earned it so why shouldn't he enjoy it. However, he's got belligerent and moody; he's put on a lot of weight and his skin is damp and sweaty.
Something is clearly wrong but I don't know if it's the drink or if something else is the problem. I still love him and want to help but where do I start? J.M.
A. Since he retired, my husband's father has been a great grandfather to our kids. He has helped me hugely by taking them for outings while I get on with things around the house. He really enjoys spoiling them.
My husband seemed to be getting more and more resentful when the kids talked about what they had done with granddad. I tried to ask him what was wrong but he wouldn't tell me.
Finally, last week, he snapped and said he found it hard that his dad had all this time for his grandchildren but had never had any time for him.
Apparently, as a child, my husband found his father uncaring and distant and he grew up hating his dad. As he grew older, he'd buried his feelings for his mother's sake. Now, though, he hates him all over again for "taking his children away from him".
I'd no idea about his feelings and now I don't know what to do for the best. He works long hours and is often away from home, plus the children really get on with their granddad. I would have said his father must have changed but how do I get my husband to see that? How do I help him? A.C.
Q. Sometimes it only takes a problem or a worry of some kind to turn a social drinker into an alcoholic. Because the change in his habits came on so suddenly and because he is moody and aggressive, I think that something has changed in his life to upset him.
Could he be worried about his job or about money? Has he got a health worry you don't know about? Has something happened to undermine his self-esteem or alternatively is he fed up with his job? Has your job or status changed to rival his?
When he is sober ? perhaps in the morning or at the weekend ? try to encourage him to talk about his concerns. Tell him you love him but tell him you are worried about how he has changed.
If he does open up and talk, it may be enough to resolve his drink problem. If not, you could contact Alcoholics Anonymous for further advice. Their number is 2123 9264.
A. I am sure your husband is feeling isolated from his wife and children by his work and watching someone else fulfil the role he would like to have must be very upsetting.
The fact that the person taking that role happens to be the father who didn't provide what he wanted from a parent anyway must be very galling.
Perhaps his father has realised that, in the role of grandparent, he now has the chance to be the father he wanted to be. He may even regret what happened between him and his son and may be thinking this is a means of making amends. If only the two of them could really talk to one another, I think they would both be surprised at how the other felt.
At the moment your husband is feeling all the resentment of a young boy thinking "why couldn't my dad be like that with me?". He is probably very unhappy, confused and jealous. If they could clear the air between them, I'm sure they could start to build a new relationship.
However, your husband has hidden these feelings for a long time and his levels of resentment could run deep. He may need help to explore his feelings before he can talk to his father.
Q. My wife and I are older parents (I'm 41, she's 39) and we've just had our wonderful little girl three months ago. This should be a wonderful time for us but my wife seems to have found it hard to adjust to being a mother.
She gave up a very high-powered job but now she is constantly miserable, saying she is a dreadful mother and crying most of the time.
I've tried to help as much as I can so she can sleep through the night at least sometimes, and I've tried to do things to cheer her up as well but nothing works.
Shouldn't the doctor have picked up on what a state she is in? Or should I tell him myself? S.U.
A. If your wife is suffering from post-natal illness, there is little you can do to "cure" her. She has a medical condition and needs help. Post-natal illness affects quite a reasonable number of people.
Often, women affected by it feel incapable of coping. That leads to guilt and they can cover up their feelings in front of health professionals, which may be why they haven't been aware of her condition.
She needs your support right now, so rather than tell her GP about her problems, she needs encouragement to do so herself. Once she understands how normal this condition is and how many people it affects she may start to realise she is not an abnormal mother. Getting out and about meeting other mums might also help.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.