The Fiona Caine column
If you have a problem or dilemma that you can't cope with alone or need advice, Fiona Caine is here to help you and offer support and encouragement
Q. I moved into my boyfriend's flat about 18 months ago and I thought we were really happy together. Then, about four weeks ago, he asked me to move out. He said he was studying for exams and needed the space. I was hurt but he's been studying for some time so I thought it was just because he was getting tense about the papers he had to sit.
Last week, I went back to the flat to pick up my post and, when I let myself in, I found him in bed with someone else. I was so upset but he was just angry and said I should have called first. He said it was all over between us anyway and that he thought I knew that. I can't sleep or eat and I'm crying all the time. How do I get him back? V.M.
A. I'm sorry but I don't think you want to. Your boyfriend probably knew when he asked you to move out that he wanted to end your relationship but, for some reason, he wasn't brave enough to tell you.
It was very cowardly to let you find out this way but to then compound his bad behaviour by getting angry with you was a rotten thing to do. Because you loved him, you took all his excuses at face value but now you have been badly hurt. While you are still feeling very raw you probably won't recognise how badly he's treated you. Hopefully, in time, you will see him for the coward he is. Take a step back and consider whether or not your love might have been suffocating this relationship. As this is something that could happen again you might want to talk to someone about it. A counsellor might help you gain some insight as to what has happened here. Hopefully, you won't find yourself in a similar position again.
Q. I work as a nursing auxiliary in a geriatric ward. It is a great job and I love being with the old people but, inevitably, it is very sad when they die. It's not my job to talk to the relatives but, because many of them get to know me, they do want to talk to me.
I always find it hard to know what to say to people ? I try to sound sympathetic but I feel as if it sounds insincere. It doesn't matter how they react to what they say, I always feel a failure when I think about it later. Is there something you'd suggest for this problem? K.H.
A. The very fact that you are thinking so much about it makes me think you probably don't need anything at all - other than a bit more confidence! There is no easy way of talking to someone who is grieving - whatever you say, however much you care you can't take away their pain.
Although it is written to help people who are bereaved, I think the book Living with Grief and Loss by Julia Tugendhat (Sheldon Press) could be helpful to you. It is written by a therapist and would help you have a greater understanding of people's reactions when they face a personal loss.
Q. I walked out on my husband some two years ago, leaving him with our children. He was devoted to them and I knew that, although he had hurt me, he would never hurt them. He had never beaten me or anything like that but just had one affair after another and I couldn't take any more. I left the children because I had nowhere to take them but I am missing them dreadfully and, to be honest, I am missing my husband too. Have I left it too late to repair my marriage or at least get my children to live with me once more? D.L.
A. If your husband has shown any sign of remorse and a willingness to try again, then perhaps there is a chance.
However, I suspect that from what you say he's not really shown any inclination to change. Without this you would only go back to the same unhappiness that you felt before ? although, of course, you would be seeing your children more regularly.
Do you really want to go back to a husband who has so little respect for you? I suspect it is really your children that you are missing and, if I am right, then you should seek legal advice.
These days the courts do not automatically place the children with their mother, their decision is based on what is in the children's best interests.
However, even if the decision goes against you there is every chance that you would get better access arrangements than you have at present.
20080209-lifestyle--fiona.jpgQ. As a Christian, I have always believed in my marriage vows so I was deeply shocked when my wife left me after more than 20 years together. She has been living with someone else for two years now and although I have tried hard to get her to come back to me, she says she is happy.
I thought we were happy together ? we did have disagreements but nothing more than most couples and I never dreamed she'd walk out on me.
She says she wants to separate but I have refused as it is against my beliefs. She won't talk to me on the phone or answer my letters and I've even tried calling at the house she is living in but she won't see me. How can I convince her to come back to me and honour the vows we made? P.M.
A. Your wife has made a decision that your marriage is over and I think that the chances of her coming back to you are slim.
I am sorry that this goes against your beliefs and that you feel she is breaking the vows you made together, but to offer you any hope that she will come back to you would be hypocritical. She has made her decision. You have to decide how you are going to live with that and, as a Christian I would suggest that you talk to your priest about it.
Holding out against a separation is your legal right at the moment but there will come a time when she will be able to separate, whatever you feel. You need to decide if you want to wait that long or if you will just be holding on to your own hurt as a means of hurting her. I am sure your priest will have some thoughts.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.
Last week, I went back to the flat to pick up my post and, when I let myself in, I found him in bed with someone else. I was so upset but he was just angry and said I should have called first. He said it was all over between us anyway and that he thought I knew that. I can't sleep or eat and I'm crying all the time. How do I get him back? V.M.
A. I'm sorry but I don't think you want to. Your boyfriend probably knew when he asked you to move out that he wanted to end your relationship but, for some reason, he wasn't brave enough to tell you.
It was very cowardly to let you find out this way but to then compound his bad behaviour by getting angry with you was a rotten thing to do. Because you loved him, you took all his excuses at face value but now you have been badly hurt. While you are still feeling very raw you probably won't recognise how badly he's treated you. Hopefully, in time, you will see him for the coward he is. Take a step back and consider whether or not your love might have been suffocating this relationship. As this is something that could happen again you might want to talk to someone about it. A counsellor might help you gain some insight as to what has happened here. Hopefully, you won't find yourself in a similar position again.
Q. I work as a nursing auxiliary in a geriatric ward. It is a great job and I love being with the old people but, inevitably, it is very sad when they die. It's not my job to talk to the relatives but, because many of them get to know me, they do want to talk to me.
I always find it hard to know what to say to people ? I try to sound sympathetic but I feel as if it sounds insincere. It doesn't matter how they react to what they say, I always feel a failure when I think about it later. Is there something you'd suggest for this problem? K.H.
A. The very fact that you are thinking so much about it makes me think you probably don't need anything at all - other than a bit more confidence! There is no easy way of talking to someone who is grieving - whatever you say, however much you care you can't take away their pain.
Although it is written to help people who are bereaved, I think the book Living with Grief and Loss by Julia Tugendhat (Sheldon Press) could be helpful to you. It is written by a therapist and would help you have a greater understanding of people's reactions when they face a personal loss.
Q. I walked out on my husband some two years ago, leaving him with our children. He was devoted to them and I knew that, although he had hurt me, he would never hurt them. He had never beaten me or anything like that but just had one affair after another and I couldn't take any more. I left the children because I had nowhere to take them but I am missing them dreadfully and, to be honest, I am missing my husband too. Have I left it too late to repair my marriage or at least get my children to live with me once more? D.L.
A. If your husband has shown any sign of remorse and a willingness to try again, then perhaps there is a chance.
However, I suspect that from what you say he's not really shown any inclination to change. Without this you would only go back to the same unhappiness that you felt before ? although, of course, you would be seeing your children more regularly.
Do you really want to go back to a husband who has so little respect for you? I suspect it is really your children that you are missing and, if I am right, then you should seek legal advice.
These days the courts do not automatically place the children with their mother, their decision is based on what is in the children's best interests.
However, even if the decision goes against you there is every chance that you would get better access arrangements than you have at present.
20080209-lifestyle--fiona.jpgQ. As a Christian, I have always believed in my marriage vows so I was deeply shocked when my wife left me after more than 20 years together. She has been living with someone else for two years now and although I have tried hard to get her to come back to me, she says she is happy.
I thought we were happy together ? we did have disagreements but nothing more than most couples and I never dreamed she'd walk out on me.
She says she wants to separate but I have refused as it is against my beliefs. She won't talk to me on the phone or answer my letters and I've even tried calling at the house she is living in but she won't see me. How can I convince her to come back to me and honour the vows we made? P.M.
A. Your wife has made a decision that your marriage is over and I think that the chances of her coming back to you are slim.
I am sorry that this goes against your beliefs and that you feel she is breaking the vows you made together, but to offer you any hope that she will come back to you would be hypocritical. She has made her decision. You have to decide how you are going to live with that and, as a Christian I would suggest that you talk to your priest about it.
Holding out against a separation is your legal right at the moment but there will come a time when she will be able to separate, whatever you feel. You need to decide if you want to wait that long or if you will just be holding on to your own hurt as a means of hurting her. I am sure your priest will have some thoughts.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.