Q. My son and his wife are in a terrible state having recently lost their baby to a cot death. We are all so shocked and can't believe that it has happened to our family - you always think it's one of those things that happen to other people.
I only saw my grandson twice but he was absolutely gorgeous and I want to weep just thinking about what might have been. My husband and I have done what we can, in practical ways to help. We'd like to do more though, but other than being shoulders for them to cry on, there doesn't seem anything positive to help them. W.F
A.Just being there and taking away some of the practical chores will be a huge help, so don't underestimate it. The fact that you are willing to share their grief will be an enormous help because so many people simply don't know how to cope with such a tragedy.
I am so sorry this has happened; nothing strikes terror into the heart of a parent more than the fear of losing a child this way. Just continue helping your son and daughter as you already are, give them the time and space they need.
Q. My sister left home suddenly when she was 15. That was some 10 years ago and I never knew why until last Christmas. She finally told me that she came home and found our mother in bed with a man that we have been brought up to believe is our uncle. She says she told our father but he simply dismissed the idea, saying my sister must have got the wrong idea.
My parents are still together but this man is still around. I can only assume my mother is still sleeping with him - which makes me feel quite ill.
How can she behave in this way to our father? K.G
A. You seem very willing to judge your mother without really knowing the facts. Your father must realise there was some substance to your sister's claims because she left home so suddenly.
He, for some reason, doesn't want to challenge the situation and that indicates to me there is more to this than is at first apparent. Are there, perhaps, problems in your parent's marriage which makes your mother seek comfort elsewhere?
Or perhaps the man really is her uncle and she has been forced into this relationship over many years. Don't you even wonder why this relationship has lasted as long as it has? It is obviously more than just a casual affair.
You say that what she has done makes you feel ill, but have you thought of talking to your mother? Have you tried to understand her point of view? You're an adult now and so is your sister, so you know that things are not always what they seem. It may be that your mother could do with your help and support rather than your condemnation, so why not try to find out?
Q. My girlfriend and I had two children together.
I love her and them so much but she asked me to leave last year and I've lived alone for six months now. It doesn't get any easier as I miss them all so much. She's told me to move on and find someone new but I can't. She hasn't got anyone else but she won't try again with me.
I feel so depressed I sometimes think about ending it all but the thought of my children stops me. How do people get over things like this? C.H
A. The fact that your girlfriend is talking to you means, I hope, that you do get the chance to see your children regularly.
If you don't, then you need to make legal arrangements for this to happen. Most people get over a separation but it does take time - it's as much a loss, in some ways, as it is when someone dies.
It won't happen overnight though, so if in the meantime you feel really desperate, try to find someone willing to listen to you sympathetically. It can make all the difference. Your ex-partner's encouragement to you to find someone else clearly indicates she sees no future in your relationship.
It's going to be hard to think about going out and socialising but, the more you try, the easier it will become.
Q. I really love my fiancé and we are due to get married this summer. With my parents' marriage as an example, though, I am beginning to wonder if it's worth it. They fight and row all the time. I am the youngest of four children and the only one still living at home; the others got out just as soon as they could.
They've been together for 26 years and it's been one long battle. I'm worried that my marriage could end up the same as theirs. My fiancé says it won't, but how can I be sure? I.R
A. Your parents may row and argue but they've stayed together for 26 years and have managed to produce four children. Are you so very sure they don't love one another? Their way may not be your way but it could be that this is the way they enjoy conducting their relationship.
The reason you can be sure it won't be the same for you is that you and your fiancé are different people to your parents.
And a marriage is what you make it. Work at keeping it happy, positive and mutually supportive and that's what it will be. Having doubts about a wedding is perfectly natural and, in your case, with your parents' example before you, I can see why you might be worried.
But your fiancé is right. Try to put these thoughts out of your mind. Instead, try to concentrate on the positive aspects of marriage like love and trust.
20080126-lifestyle--fiona.tif.jpgQ. I'm writing about my friend and wonder if you can help.
She's 14 and whenever she looks at her mum or her granny she worries she is going to get fat like them. She tries to only eat a little but her mum is always trying to get her to eat more so she ends up, after the meal, throwing up in the toilet. She is on a diet all the time but she still thinks she looks fat.
How can she get her mum and granny to stop nagging her about her weight because they say she's too thin? E.B
A. I wonder what you think about your friend's weight. Does she look too thin to you, too? Have you tried to talk to her about the way she looks? Or have you tried to get her to talk to anyone else, her doctor, for example?
Throwing up her food is going to damage her health in the long run, so perhaps she should see if she really needs to be on a diet. The doctor will tell her what weight she needs to be and, if she isn't too thin, she will be able to explain to her mum and granny that her weight is fine.
If she is too thin, though, then he may want to encourage her to consider the possibility that she has a bad image of her body. Throwing up her food after a meal is what people who have bulimia do and perhaps you need to help her to recognise this.
There is a new book available called Coping with Eating Disorders and Body Image by Christine Craggs-Hinton and available from Sheldon Press that you might like to look at to see if it would help her.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.
I only saw my grandson twice but he was absolutely gorgeous and I want to weep just thinking about what might have been. My husband and I have done what we can, in practical ways to help. We'd like to do more though, but other than being shoulders for them to cry on, there doesn't seem anything positive to help them. W.F
A.Just being there and taking away some of the practical chores will be a huge help, so don't underestimate it. The fact that you are willing to share their grief will be an enormous help because so many people simply don't know how to cope with such a tragedy.
I am so sorry this has happened; nothing strikes terror into the heart of a parent more than the fear of losing a child this way. Just continue helping your son and daughter as you already are, give them the time and space they need.
Q. My sister left home suddenly when she was 15. That was some 10 years ago and I never knew why until last Christmas. She finally told me that she came home and found our mother in bed with a man that we have been brought up to believe is our uncle. She says she told our father but he simply dismissed the idea, saying my sister must have got the wrong idea.
My parents are still together but this man is still around. I can only assume my mother is still sleeping with him - which makes me feel quite ill.
How can she behave in this way to our father? K.G
A. You seem very willing to judge your mother without really knowing the facts. Your father must realise there was some substance to your sister's claims because she left home so suddenly.
He, for some reason, doesn't want to challenge the situation and that indicates to me there is more to this than is at first apparent. Are there, perhaps, problems in your parent's marriage which makes your mother seek comfort elsewhere?
Or perhaps the man really is her uncle and she has been forced into this relationship over many years. Don't you even wonder why this relationship has lasted as long as it has? It is obviously more than just a casual affair.
You say that what she has done makes you feel ill, but have you thought of talking to your mother? Have you tried to understand her point of view? You're an adult now and so is your sister, so you know that things are not always what they seem. It may be that your mother could do with your help and support rather than your condemnation, so why not try to find out?
Q. My girlfriend and I had two children together.
I love her and them so much but she asked me to leave last year and I've lived alone for six months now. It doesn't get any easier as I miss them all so much. She's told me to move on and find someone new but I can't. She hasn't got anyone else but she won't try again with me.
I feel so depressed I sometimes think about ending it all but the thought of my children stops me. How do people get over things like this? C.H
A. The fact that your girlfriend is talking to you means, I hope, that you do get the chance to see your children regularly.
If you don't, then you need to make legal arrangements for this to happen. Most people get over a separation but it does take time - it's as much a loss, in some ways, as it is when someone dies.
It won't happen overnight though, so if in the meantime you feel really desperate, try to find someone willing to listen to you sympathetically. It can make all the difference. Your ex-partner's encouragement to you to find someone else clearly indicates she sees no future in your relationship.
It's going to be hard to think about going out and socialising but, the more you try, the easier it will become.
Q. I really love my fiancé and we are due to get married this summer. With my parents' marriage as an example, though, I am beginning to wonder if it's worth it. They fight and row all the time. I am the youngest of four children and the only one still living at home; the others got out just as soon as they could.
They've been together for 26 years and it's been one long battle. I'm worried that my marriage could end up the same as theirs. My fiancé says it won't, but how can I be sure? I.R
A. Your parents may row and argue but they've stayed together for 26 years and have managed to produce four children. Are you so very sure they don't love one another? Their way may not be your way but it could be that this is the way they enjoy conducting their relationship.
The reason you can be sure it won't be the same for you is that you and your fiancé are different people to your parents.
And a marriage is what you make it. Work at keeping it happy, positive and mutually supportive and that's what it will be. Having doubts about a wedding is perfectly natural and, in your case, with your parents' example before you, I can see why you might be worried.
But your fiancé is right. Try to put these thoughts out of your mind. Instead, try to concentrate on the positive aspects of marriage like love and trust.
20080126-lifestyle--fiona.tif.jpgQ. I'm writing about my friend and wonder if you can help.
She's 14 and whenever she looks at her mum or her granny she worries she is going to get fat like them. She tries to only eat a little but her mum is always trying to get her to eat more so she ends up, after the meal, throwing up in the toilet. She is on a diet all the time but she still thinks she looks fat.
How can she get her mum and granny to stop nagging her about her weight because they say she's too thin? E.B
A. I wonder what you think about your friend's weight. Does she look too thin to you, too? Have you tried to talk to her about the way she looks? Or have you tried to get her to talk to anyone else, her doctor, for example?
Throwing up her food is going to damage her health in the long run, so perhaps she should see if she really needs to be on a diet. The doctor will tell her what weight she needs to be and, if she isn't too thin, she will be able to explain to her mum and granny that her weight is fine.
If she is too thin, though, then he may want to encourage her to consider the possibility that she has a bad image of her body. Throwing up her food after a meal is what people who have bulimia do and perhaps you need to help her to recognise this.
There is a new book available called Coping with Eating Disorders and Body Image by Christine Craggs-Hinton and available from Sheldon Press that you might like to look at to see if it would help her.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.