Q. My ex-husband is a heavy smoker. This does not bother me at all. However, what makes me see red is the fact that he smokes when our eight-year-old son visits him. He's even told my son not to tell me about it, which is ridiculous.
It's obvious my ex has been smoking because when my son comes home, his clothes stink of cigarettes. My son has had a string of bronchial problems and chest infections in the last six months and my husband's behaviour is just plain stupid.
I am so angry that I am thinking of contacting social services again or a lawyer. Am I overreacting? T.J.

A. No, I don't think you are wrong to feel angry: the risks associated with passive smoking are very real. Also, in view of your son's illnesses over the past few months, I think you are right to be concerned. However, I think it's a little premature to involve outside agencies in this issue, at least until you've spoken to your ex-husband first. Although you are angry, try not to be aggressive. Then stress that you are not asking him to give up smoking, just to avoid doing it in the house when his son visits. You might also suggest that it is unfair to put his son in the awkward position of having to keep secrets from his mother.




Q. I am 71. My husband died two years ago and shortly afterwards I moved into a smaller flat. Last month an elderly woman moved into the next flat. Like me she lives alone but, unlike me, she is very much an early riser.
Every morning at 6 a.m. she gets up, turns on the radio and starts cleaning her flat. This includes using a vacuum cleaner and setting off what I think is a washing machine or dishwasher. I am usually an even-tempered person but am beginning to really resent having my sleep disturbed. Why can't she see how inconsiderate this is? Please don't ask me to get to know her, I don't want to make friends with her, I just want to get some sleep. D.N.

A. Have you spoken to your neighbour about the noise? I am sure that she doesn't clean her house at 6 a.m. just to annoy you; getting up early and cleaning her flat is simply a habit.
I suspect she also probably has no idea that she is upsetting you. If you're not prepared to develop a friendly relationship then your only other course of action is to simply drop her a polite little note asking her to start her chores a little later in the day.
Whether you speak or write though, try not to be confrontational. You've still got to live next to this lady and nothing will be gained by upsetting her.




Q. My wife died six years ago and since then I have to look after my two children. My daughter is now 13 and is beginning to really worry me. Despite being a pretty girl already she seems obsessed with trying to look better and spends hours experimenting with make-up and different hairstyles. I admit, I've not got a lot of experience in bringing up girls but I am concerned that this obsession with fashion and her shape might lead to an eating disorder or something. Should I try to stop her now before things go wrong? R.C.

A. Please try not to be too worried about this. Your daughter is at that age where she needs to learn about herself, the world she lives in and the sort of person she wants to be. And part of this process involves experimenting with clothes, make-up and different "looks". This is a normal and, to my mind, a very healthy process that helps children develop the confidence they'll need later in life.
The bottom line is, it's also fun, so please try not to spoil things by making an issue out of this.




Q. I have the most wonderful boyfriend, an amazing person I never thought I would meet and am happier than I have been in a long, long time. But I can't shake the feeling that at the end of the day we all enter this world alone and leave the same way and that I shouldn't rely on someone else for my happiness.
The consequence of this train of thought is that I withdraw and find it hard to open myself up. I want the relationship to work but I want to be independent as well.
I can't bear the thought of getting stuck in a rut or routine but my only way of avoiding this is to never settle down. I'm 26, have one failed relationship already behind me and feeling a bit doom and gloom! J.S.

A. Your letter hints that you've been badly hurt in the past and, if this is the case, it's not surprising that you are reluctant to commit yourself. Every real relationship carries with it the risk of being hurt; that's unavoidable. If you invest respect, trust and love in a genuine relationship and these are not returned or are abused, getting hurt is inevitable.
But that's no reason to avoid commitment. While you'll probably never get hurt, you'll lose any chance to experience the very real happiness that a genuinely loving relationship can bring.
You talk of not wanting to get stuck in a rut; not having to rely on someone else for your happiness and wanting to be independent. This suggests that you equate a relationship with sacrifice. While I agree that some compromise is usually necessary, that doesn't always mean sacrifice. If you work to develop new challenges and interests in life you can avoid this.
As for a loss of independence, that is up to you. These days many women have their own source of income even when they have children. I am not trying to convince you that your present relationship is the right one for you - I am suggesting that you open up and try it - even at the risk of getting hurt.




• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.

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