One annual tradition, worth giving a miss, is the festive falling-out with the other half. Ten days of booze; rich food; in-laws; and the Boxing Day Sales is enough to put even the happiest relationships under stress.
Christmas should be the most romantic time of the year. With present giving, parties and time off together, there are endless opportunities to be loving but all too often couples find themselves rowing rather than kissing under the mistletoe. Sadly, the mix of booze, relatives and overheated houses turns even the happiest couple into grumps.
Yet it does not need to be like this.
A well-timed and well-targeted intervention during the Christmas can not only save the day but be the beginning of a positive cycle to really turn around your relationship in the New Year.
It is amazing how solving one small dispute can not only build your confidence for larger issues but teach skills that can be applied to even the most explosive subject.
Top five arguments
1. Different values
He's doing some last-minute Christmas shopping and wants to take the kids with him "to soak in the atmosphere" but you're worried that the shops will be packed and the youngest will get lost. However, half an hour later, you turn round and find he's taken them anyway. (Alternative: He wants to invite all 14 relatives and friends round for a traditional Christmas with named place settings at the table; you want two weeks' peace on a Caribbean beach.
How to get through Christmas: Find an alternative way to communicate - like writing a letter or sending a text. Often putting a request differently will get the message heard.
What it is really about: Inability to compromise.
New Year resolution: To explain why you feel so strongly about something without getting angry or defensive and give him the same opportunity. Couples are frightened that different values will tear them apart, and therefore put more energy into trying to convince their partner they're wrong - than understanding them. In reality, what splits couples is not their differences - but how they deal with them. Once someone feels heard, they are truly ready to compromise (rather than back down) and even fundamental differences will be settled to everybody's satisfaction.
2. Stupid things
You are exhausted from weeks of shopping, baking, making your own Christmas crackers and he asks: "Why didn't buy cranberries?" You ask him to lay the table and he snaps: "Later".
How to get through Christmas: Remember that only 10 per cent of the message our partner receives comes from our actual words; 40 per cent from the tone of our voice and 50 per cent from our body language. So when under stress, count to 10 before you say something, in case it does not come out as you wish.
What it is really about: Fear of arguing.
New Year resolution: To deal with issues as they come up. Instead of ignoring the small niggles - and letting them build up into an almighty - say something at the time. First it gives your partner a chance to immediately change the upsetting behaviour, secondly it prevents a build-up of toxic niggles with each partner throwing into the eventual row. Ultimately, disputes are easier to solve when they are about just one thing.
3. Money
You've decided to put Christmas on the credit card, treat the family with vintage champagne and worry about the bills in the new year.
How to get through Christmas: Agree to differ. This is such an emotive time that trying to tackle money issues is a non-starter. Instead recap both your position and your partner's, for example: "I believe nice presents show you care, but I am aware that you believe we can't afford it." With both opinions on record, make an appointment to really unpack your financial issues in the New Year.
What it is really about: The past.
New Year resolution: To sit down together with bank statements and work out a budget. In every relationship there is a saver and a spender, and which role we chose depends on our childhood. However, under stress, both halves retreat into their corner and become more extreme. The more the saver worries about money, the more the spender absolves him or herself of all responsibility - which in turn makes the spender spend more and the couple become more stressed. Instead talk about what money means to each of you; where these ideas come from and how to compromise. Ultimately money should be a joint responsibility.
4. Flirting
You have a couple of Christmas drinks with friends and he accuses you of laughing too loudly and enjoying the attentions of a circle of men.
Alternatively, you worry about his annual Christmas party where partners are not invited and he's bought something inappropriate for the staff lucky draw.
How to get through Christmas: Instead of criticising your partner's behaviour, talk about how it makes you feel. This prevents post-mortems becoming a dispute about what is right or wrong and provides a forum for possible alternatives.
What it is really about: Imbalance of sexual desire.
New Year resolution: To spend more time being physically intimate without having sex. Many couples end up with "all or nothing" syndrome:
Alternating between full intercourse and days without even touching. One half desperately wants sex, the other feels crowded and the bedroom becomes a war zone. Cuddling, without it leading to sex, provides the reassurance for the more sexually charged partner and allows the other half to be close without feeling used.
5. Not saying no
Having finished making the angel costume for your best friend's daughter's nativity play, you're stirring the Christmas puddings - because your husband thinks shop-bought are tasteless but won't make it himself; when your elderly mother phones to ask you to address the envelopes for her Christmas cards. You're ready to scream, but tell her you're on your way.
Help to get through Christmas: Buy yourself thinking time by saying: "I'll need to consult my diary; check with my partner; juggle some other things... then I'll get back to you."
What it is really about: Low self worth.
New Year resolution: Make time for yourself. Desperate for everybody's love, you're frantically running around trying to please and forget what is important in your own life. True self worth ultimately comes from within, so stop pleasing others and start saying "no". Think of all the positive things you'd ultimately be able to say "yes" to by being more selective.
How will you survive Christmas?
Here are simple changes that will not only ensure a loving Christmas but improve your relationship in the year ahead too.
1. Accept change. Many people have a fixed picture of Christmas with traditions stretching back years. But clinging onto the past is stressful, especially as we can't stop our children growing out of Santa, our brother separating and family dynamics changing. So make a deliberate decision to bring something new into this year's celebrations.
2. Take turns to make the big decisions. With competing in-laws and different family traditions, it is not always possible to compromise. So take it in turns with your partner to be in charge. This trick can also work with one partner deciding about Christmas and the other taking responsibility for New Year.
3. Anticipate potential rows before they happen. In the same way that shopping at the last minute raises stress levels, delaying talking about issues makes things worse. Whether it is your partner's drunken boss or his mother's annual inspection, sorry visit, talk about issues in advance. Just getting your fears will help get everything into proportion. Better still, your partner might have similar concerns and you can work out a joint strategy. So that he does not think you are "getting at him" you should ask about his worries too.
4. Be generous about each other's office Christmas celebrations. The hottest issues in counselling, both before and after the party season, are jealousy and bad behaviour at parties. Instead of trying to convince your partner that your view is right, really listen and understand his. When he's finished, ask further questions to be sure you've understood. If you give him the compliment of being truly heard, he is likely to offer the same in return.
5. Agree a budget for presents in advance. This will help unhook the idea that an expensive present equals a lot of love and avoid a nasty shock on the credit card in the New Year. If you and your partner find it hard to agree on spending priorities make two sets of cards with each of the possibilities. For example: presents, food, entertaining, children, family trips. Separately, put the cards in order of priority, afterwards talk through your choices and how best to compromise.
6. Accept your differences. Everybody has a different idea of how to spend the holiday. These are often formed by how we spent Christmas as a kid and are so deeply ingrained they can become part of our identity. To understand your partner better, ask for his best Christmas ever and then his worst. Afterwards share your own happy and unhappy memories.
7. Deal with issues as they come up. You want Christmas to be perfect, so when your partner does something irritating, you let it go. This strategy can work in the short term but pretty soon you will feel resentful. Finally, when your partner still hasn't mended the Christmas tree lights, you snap, he retaliates and accuses you of getting everything out of proportion. Instead, tackle each small pinch at the time rather than cashing them in for a nasty crunch.
8. Praise what you like rather than criticise what you don't. Although it might be tempting to complain: "At last you've got out of the chair and done something useful" - you will get more out of him with "thanks for helping, that was really appreciated, could I ask you do something else". Other small rewards to motivate him include a kiss, a smile, a compliment, or popping a tasty Christmas titbit in his mouth.
9. Each person is responsible for their side of the family. Although we feel fully justified in criticising our father for making sexist jokes at the lunch table or our grandmother for drinking too much - we do not always extend the same courtesy to our partner. If something needs to be said, it is best coming from family.
10. There are five languages of love. It's not just present giving but caring actions, appreciative words, affectionate physical contact (cuddling and stroking, not just sex) and creating quality time together. Under stress at Christmas, we can revert into expressing our love in just one way. If your partner looks fed up, try one of the languages that you seldom use as it might turn out to be his favourite.
11. Make time for the two of you. The traditional picture of Christmas is families and catching up with old friends. Is it any wonder that we pack our holiday so tightly there is no time to unwind together? Whether it is sharing a long soak in the bath or just going for a walk together remember to balance family and couple time.
12. Plan a reward after Christmas. The post-festive period can seem very flat and couples can get on each other's nerves. So make plans for something interesting - like a visit to the panto or Christmas village - so everybody has something to anticipate. After all your hard work, you deserve it.
13. Become an optimist. Optimists enjoy themselves more because if something goes wrong - like the pudding does not light - they think it is just as isolated incident. Pessimists expect everything to go wrong and think it is all their fault.
14. Give yourself a pat on the back. Remember that your family values you for who you are, not what you have achieved.
15. Laugh. If all of the above fail, laughter will save the day. Most mishaps can become the funny stories for future Christmasses.
Christmas should be the most romantic time of the year. With present giving, parties and time off together, there are endless opportunities to be loving but all too often couples find themselves rowing rather than kissing under the mistletoe. Sadly, the mix of booze, relatives and overheated houses turns even the happiest couple into grumps.
Yet it does not need to be like this.
A well-timed and well-targeted intervention during the Christmas can not only save the day but be the beginning of a positive cycle to really turn around your relationship in the New Year.
It is amazing how solving one small dispute can not only build your confidence for larger issues but teach skills that can be applied to even the most explosive subject.
Top five arguments
1. Different values
He's doing some last-minute Christmas shopping and wants to take the kids with him "to soak in the atmosphere" but you're worried that the shops will be packed and the youngest will get lost. However, half an hour later, you turn round and find he's taken them anyway. (Alternative: He wants to invite all 14 relatives and friends round for a traditional Christmas with named place settings at the table; you want two weeks' peace on a Caribbean beach.
How to get through Christmas: Find an alternative way to communicate - like writing a letter or sending a text. Often putting a request differently will get the message heard.
What it is really about: Inability to compromise.
New Year resolution: To explain why you feel so strongly about something without getting angry or defensive and give him the same opportunity. Couples are frightened that different values will tear them apart, and therefore put more energy into trying to convince their partner they're wrong - than understanding them. In reality, what splits couples is not their differences - but how they deal with them. Once someone feels heard, they are truly ready to compromise (rather than back down) and even fundamental differences will be settled to everybody's satisfaction.
2. Stupid things
You are exhausted from weeks of shopping, baking, making your own Christmas crackers and he asks: "Why didn't buy cranberries?" You ask him to lay the table and he snaps: "Later".
How to get through Christmas: Remember that only 10 per cent of the message our partner receives comes from our actual words; 40 per cent from the tone of our voice and 50 per cent from our body language. So when under stress, count to 10 before you say something, in case it does not come out as you wish.
What it is really about: Fear of arguing.
New Year resolution: To deal with issues as they come up. Instead of ignoring the small niggles - and letting them build up into an almighty - say something at the time. First it gives your partner a chance to immediately change the upsetting behaviour, secondly it prevents a build-up of toxic niggles with each partner throwing into the eventual row. Ultimately, disputes are easier to solve when they are about just one thing.
3. Money
You've decided to put Christmas on the credit card, treat the family with vintage champagne and worry about the bills in the new year.
How to get through Christmas: Agree to differ. This is such an emotive time that trying to tackle money issues is a non-starter. Instead recap both your position and your partner's, for example: "I believe nice presents show you care, but I am aware that you believe we can't afford it." With both opinions on record, make an appointment to really unpack your financial issues in the New Year.
What it is really about: The past.
New Year resolution: To sit down together with bank statements and work out a budget. In every relationship there is a saver and a spender, and which role we chose depends on our childhood. However, under stress, both halves retreat into their corner and become more extreme. The more the saver worries about money, the more the spender absolves him or herself of all responsibility - which in turn makes the spender spend more and the couple become more stressed. Instead talk about what money means to each of you; where these ideas come from and how to compromise. Ultimately money should be a joint responsibility.
4. Flirting
You have a couple of Christmas drinks with friends and he accuses you of laughing too loudly and enjoying the attentions of a circle of men.
Alternatively, you worry about his annual Christmas party where partners are not invited and he's bought something inappropriate for the staff lucky draw.
How to get through Christmas: Instead of criticising your partner's behaviour, talk about how it makes you feel. This prevents post-mortems becoming a dispute about what is right or wrong and provides a forum for possible alternatives.
What it is really about: Imbalance of sexual desire.
New Year resolution: To spend more time being physically intimate without having sex. Many couples end up with "all or nothing" syndrome:
Alternating between full intercourse and days without even touching. One half desperately wants sex, the other feels crowded and the bedroom becomes a war zone. Cuddling, without it leading to sex, provides the reassurance for the more sexually charged partner and allows the other half to be close without feeling used.
5. Not saying no
Having finished making the angel costume for your best friend's daughter's nativity play, you're stirring the Christmas puddings - because your husband thinks shop-bought are tasteless but won't make it himself; when your elderly mother phones to ask you to address the envelopes for her Christmas cards. You're ready to scream, but tell her you're on your way.
Help to get through Christmas: Buy yourself thinking time by saying: "I'll need to consult my diary; check with my partner; juggle some other things... then I'll get back to you."
What it is really about: Low self worth.
New Year resolution: Make time for yourself. Desperate for everybody's love, you're frantically running around trying to please and forget what is important in your own life. True self worth ultimately comes from within, so stop pleasing others and start saying "no". Think of all the positive things you'd ultimately be able to say "yes" to by being more selective.
How will you survive Christmas?
Here are simple changes that will not only ensure a loving Christmas but improve your relationship in the year ahead too.
1. Accept change. Many people have a fixed picture of Christmas with traditions stretching back years. But clinging onto the past is stressful, especially as we can't stop our children growing out of Santa, our brother separating and family dynamics changing. So make a deliberate decision to bring something new into this year's celebrations.
2. Take turns to make the big decisions. With competing in-laws and different family traditions, it is not always possible to compromise. So take it in turns with your partner to be in charge. This trick can also work with one partner deciding about Christmas and the other taking responsibility for New Year.
3. Anticipate potential rows before they happen. In the same way that shopping at the last minute raises stress levels, delaying talking about issues makes things worse. Whether it is your partner's drunken boss or his mother's annual inspection, sorry visit, talk about issues in advance. Just getting your fears will help get everything into proportion. Better still, your partner might have similar concerns and you can work out a joint strategy. So that he does not think you are "getting at him" you should ask about his worries too.
4. Be generous about each other's office Christmas celebrations. The hottest issues in counselling, both before and after the party season, are jealousy and bad behaviour at parties. Instead of trying to convince your partner that your view is right, really listen and understand his. When he's finished, ask further questions to be sure you've understood. If you give him the compliment of being truly heard, he is likely to offer the same in return.
5. Agree a budget for presents in advance. This will help unhook the idea that an expensive present equals a lot of love and avoid a nasty shock on the credit card in the New Year. If you and your partner find it hard to agree on spending priorities make two sets of cards with each of the possibilities. For example: presents, food, entertaining, children, family trips. Separately, put the cards in order of priority, afterwards talk through your choices and how best to compromise.
6. Accept your differences. Everybody has a different idea of how to spend the holiday. These are often formed by how we spent Christmas as a kid and are so deeply ingrained they can become part of our identity. To understand your partner better, ask for his best Christmas ever and then his worst. Afterwards share your own happy and unhappy memories.
7. Deal with issues as they come up. You want Christmas to be perfect, so when your partner does something irritating, you let it go. This strategy can work in the short term but pretty soon you will feel resentful. Finally, when your partner still hasn't mended the Christmas tree lights, you snap, he retaliates and accuses you of getting everything out of proportion. Instead, tackle each small pinch at the time rather than cashing them in for a nasty crunch.
8. Praise what you like rather than criticise what you don't. Although it might be tempting to complain: "At last you've got out of the chair and done something useful" - you will get more out of him with "thanks for helping, that was really appreciated, could I ask you do something else". Other small rewards to motivate him include a kiss, a smile, a compliment, or popping a tasty Christmas titbit in his mouth.
9. Each person is responsible for their side of the family. Although we feel fully justified in criticising our father for making sexist jokes at the lunch table or our grandmother for drinking too much - we do not always extend the same courtesy to our partner. If something needs to be said, it is best coming from family.
10. There are five languages of love. It's not just present giving but caring actions, appreciative words, affectionate physical contact (cuddling and stroking, not just sex) and creating quality time together. Under stress at Christmas, we can revert into expressing our love in just one way. If your partner looks fed up, try one of the languages that you seldom use as it might turn out to be his favourite.
11. Make time for the two of you. The traditional picture of Christmas is families and catching up with old friends. Is it any wonder that we pack our holiday so tightly there is no time to unwind together? Whether it is sharing a long soak in the bath or just going for a walk together remember to balance family and couple time.
12. Plan a reward after Christmas. The post-festive period can seem very flat and couples can get on each other's nerves. So make plans for something interesting - like a visit to the panto or Christmas village - so everybody has something to anticipate. After all your hard work, you deserve it.
13. Become an optimist. Optimists enjoy themselves more because if something goes wrong - like the pudding does not light - they think it is just as isolated incident. Pessimists expect everything to go wrong and think it is all their fault.
14. Give yourself a pat on the back. Remember that your family values you for who you are, not what you have achieved.
15. Laugh. If all of the above fail, laughter will save the day. Most mishaps can become the funny stories for future Christmasses.