With so many books and articles, preachers and teachers talking about forgiving and the ability to say sorry, we've become absolutely removed from the reality that most people do not know how to forgive.

Forgiving is always stellar in theory, but do we know how to forgive enough to truly forget and let it go?

I know people who have admitted that they are not over hurtful words thrown during an argument perhaps decades ago, but on the surface, in name, say that they have forgiven that person who has been the bearer of the ill words. This is not forgiving, this is accepting.

For many people, forgiving is a part of their religion. To some, simply having faith in Jesus is enough to be forgiven and thus, saved. To others, being able to forgive is because "God said so" or because parents or teachers have told us since the beginning of time, to "say sorry".

We know what forgiveness is, but does that mean we know how to apply it? Do we even know what forgiveness is? Some say it is a behaviour, others say it is an emotion. Is it an act, a verb, the process of forgiving? Is it when you acknowledge something and it doesn't bother you anymore? Or is it when you are in denial and choose to look the other way?

Does the person who wronged you need to be forgiven by you or, can the person forgive himself and you are responsible for your own actions and feelings?

Do you forgive someone topically and hold anger or pain and yet, consider that you have forgiven? When does forgiveness actually occur? At what moment?

The reality is that forgiving does not happen to you because you want it to, nor is it something you can easily control, as you probably already know from life experience.

One thing we know. Forgiving must be heartfelt. It must be real for you, if you are to benefit. Since everything is a perception, there is not a blanket measurement to produce forgiveness for each person that is cookie-cutter. Simply wanting to forgive is not enough. However, there is a science to forgiving and it is factual and real.

Since all things are energy, the reality of your act of forgiveness is an energy unto itself, and is real. Regardless of if you handle your forgiving in a church, in a yoga class or through conversation and a few tears, the vibration or quality of the energy must be acknowledged by you and you must be truthful to how much of the forgiving you actually can own.

It has been proven over and over again that the act of forgiving is actually healthier for people. When you do not forgive you tend to rehearse or relive the hurt and hold the anger and bitterness.

My possibly not-popular hypothesis is that most people, regardless of their religion or hopes, do not know how to properly forgive.

Most of us were taught as children when we did something wrong to "say sorry", and that someone who accepts this, has forgiven us. Perhaps, we have been taught that when someone tells us that they are sorry, we should forgive. If someone wronged us we were taught to "forgive and forget", yet how many of us really learned to process our feelings associated with forgiving? If we were taught to process correctly and we did not just assume that everyone knew how to forgive, then we would not have people walking around with bitterness and anger within them as we do.

If we forgive only because God said so, we are forgiving as an obligation and also, as an external force. This type of forgiving has nothing to do with our processing of forgiveness, and though those who choose to continue to forgive in that venue can certainly continue, they should add a deeper level to their commitment to forgive.

We need to forgive from ourselves, from our own resources. If we can do this, our religious and spiritual experiences will be much deeper.

What does this do to energy if we can't forgive?

First, if you fail to recognise even on a very topical level that the energy you expend in not forgiving is an energy-zapper, you are naïve.

Being hurt and angry takes energy from us. If you feel that stuffing your feelings inside while being robotic while forgiving and forgetting as you are used to is not a pure depletion and blockage of energy, again, you are naïve. That being said, forgiving is similar to honouring your enemy; it is hard to just "be OK with" a wrong, just like it is hard to honour someone you dislike or has hurt you. Honouring your enemy does not mean you have to like the behaviour, but just honour the spirit of the person.

You really do not need to hyper-focus, for the sake of the goal of creating inner peace, on the nuances and details of the situation that needs to be forgiven.

You simply need to acknowledge that there is something bigger than you, that you may never understand, that created a situation that you need to make a spiritual amend with.

For instance, say you are driving past a restaurant or coffee shop. You look inside and see your spouse in an obvious romantic kiss with your best friend. There are many ways that this situation could play out. It could be a marriage saver or a marriage breaker. You may feel a gamut of emotions, many of them bordering on blind rage and total despair. There may be families torn apart, money lost, homes broken, friendships lost. Lives shattered. In time, you may or may not be able to be civil or almost friendly, with your spouse. You may move on and design another life. You may topically feel that you forgive the ex-spouse and friend. However, do you?

To truly forgive, none of the situation matters. It will not matter that the spouse cheated or that the friend was backstabbing and disloyal. It will not matter that lives were torn apart.

What will matter, for the sake of your energy, is that you heal the micro and macro parts of your pain and hurt by acknowledging something positive from the situation even if that sliver of positive is simply that it forced you to grow and change.

You need to acknowledge that forgiving is not about you bestowing your grace upon someone else and accepting him/her, to raise your energy.

It is more about the sheer fact that where you feel the pain and hurt needs to heal on some level and this can happen by truly seeing that you don't have to forgive the person or behaviour, but to forgive the light in that person and energy in that behaviour.

This mindset will help you keep your energy flowing. You are not forgiving the person, you are just acknowledging that their light within or spirit, needed to learn a lesson and so did yours and that through that painful lesson, maybe not yet learned, you will forgive and let go.

Steps to Forgiving

• Acknowledge the person or situation that you feel pain from.
• Acknowledge that you do not understand/agree/promote the situation or behaviour.
• Realise that the situation/person's behaviour is just one aspect of this situation or person.
• Find within this situation, a way you did handle this well, or endured. In the case of a death or other crisis, think of a positive that somehow helps others. Perhaps a child that has passed on left amazing memories, you are a better person for knowing that child, etc.
• Understand and acknowledge that some part of this situation is meant for you to overcome; be it a nasty exchange, violence, a death. Some part of it is meant for you to overcome and do something positive with.
• Find the positive, the silver lining. Could you start a non-profit? Be kinder? More understanding? Value those around you who are always kind with more expression? Find that silver lining and embrace it.
• Allow yourself to openly feel pain and realise that this mortal pain may ebb and flow throughout your life but that you will let go of the basis for the pain.
• Look around you and upwards towards the sky, inhale and breathe. Acknowledge that there is something bigger than you, and you are miniscule in relation to the universe. With this information, with your inhalations, breathe in the power and energy around you.
• As you exhale, release tension you are holding in your body; refuse to house negativity within you. Give that negative energy to the universe to recycle.
• As you recap the steps, acknowledge that you are empowered enough to take control and ownership of your reactions, actions and behaviours. Now, forgive from the spirit and set the situation free.
• Now that you have forgiven, you have set the situation free, and you are now free.

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