One common difficulty faced by many parents is that of helping their children successfully with their homework. For some parents, homework has become a tedious, monotonous, impossible chore ending up in fights between parents and children. It shouldn't be so of course.
There are many factors involved. First and foremost is the vital importance of homework itself and its quality. Homework is often in the form of static activities, which children don't really like. Haven't we yet discovered active homework, which absorbs some of the child's energy? In spite of all the psychology learnt, we still expect children to sit for six hours in school and then come home to sit down for yet another two or three hours.
One other contributing factor is the difference between what we parents learnt at school years ago and what our children learn now. If anything, there's a difference in methodology and when we sit down to try and help the child, the latter gets confused: "It's not how the teacher taught me". And they are right. They're already struggling to make sense of what the teacher told them, let alone to learn alternative methods.
There's also the place where children do the homework. Nice studies, warm rooms and comfy chairs. Alas, the best place is always the kitchen or dining table. Everything goes on in there and at times the noise is also incredible. Why do children choose it? Perhaps because it is near their parents, not isolated, and with easy access to help and support when they need it.
Many relationship patterns develop around homework. I've known very few situations in which these were as healthy and fruitful as they should be. Many patterns that develop are negative, tiring and destructive, leading both the child and the parent to feel horribly guilty, angry, sad and distraught. Two or three hours of homework are not a joke, especially if it's the only valid time the parent spends with one's children. It is such a shame that the parent/child relationship has to suffer so much because of this. Does it help the child to learn? It helps the child to learn techniques of how to keep the parent happy rather than to learn something about the homework.
Homework is also the source of many marital issues. It is quite common for parents to end up fighting because of their disagreements either about the homework itself or because of their disagreement on how to handle the child. This is a good source of guilt and shame for the child who ends up feeling the cause of the trouble between one's parents. In many such circumstances, the child adapts by focusing more on how to prevent the parents from fighting than on producing good quality homework.
One other big problem with homework is that it is one-for-all. No matter what character the child has, their style of learning or home situation, the homework is one and the same for all. Because of its exclusive nature, homework favours some children and supports the exclusion of those others who have a different style of learning. In the latter circumstances, the family relationships, particularly the child's with the parents', are more likely to be damaged.
I wondered for ages about how I was to help parents help their children with their homework. Here are some tips.
Remember that the homework is not yours, but the child's. Many parents make the mistake of making their child's success their own. This is problematic as the child will find it difficult to see himself or herself separate from the parent. It is often parents who have problems with self-esteem and base their pride on what their children achieve, finding it difficult to let the child learn properly through an own experience. The climax is the parent who ends up doing the homework or project for the child. If you are one of those parents, then you are supporting your child's feelings of incompetence and insecurity. Trying to fulfil your childhood dreams through your children is detrimental to the child. Seek professional help to resolve these issues.
Another important point is to remember that homework is the creation of others, often the teachers in the school. Constant collaboration with the school helps you understand better the type of demands the school is making on your child. Contact with the teachers and school helps the teachers better understand the service they are providing to your and other children. Set time with the school and make it a point to discuss things with them. The greater the involvement of parents in schools, the greater the success of the child.
Understanding your child's skills is vital for homework success. You don't want to push too much or too little and pushing your child with the right amount is important. There's so much to learn about here. Identifying your child's strengths such as thinking patterns, attention spans, communication style and the right place for him or her to do the homework gives you a good chance of helping your child succeed.
You have to develop an effective relationship with your child. Remember that parents are the best and most influential source of help and learning the child has. So spend some time asking yourself how you are helping your child. You can also video record a homework session and review the style of help you are using with the child. You will have to be honest with yourself here and admit that some things need to change.
Through the video, or through reflection, identify the common problems you encounter in helping your child complete the homework. You are likely to be repeating the same negative and non-productive patterns over and over again. Think about how you can find encouraging and helpful patterns with which to replace them. Ask your mate to get involved and help out with this.
The last tip is about joining forces. It is common for the mother to help the children with their homework. Come on dads, make sure you share the load. This gives your child an advantage as you parents can help each other in all the above tips. The homework is your child's responsibility of course, but you can make a difference in the way the child carries out that responsibility.
• Dr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
There are many factors involved. First and foremost is the vital importance of homework itself and its quality. Homework is often in the form of static activities, which children don't really like. Haven't we yet discovered active homework, which absorbs some of the child's energy? In spite of all the psychology learnt, we still expect children to sit for six hours in school and then come home to sit down for yet another two or three hours.
One other contributing factor is the difference between what we parents learnt at school years ago and what our children learn now. If anything, there's a difference in methodology and when we sit down to try and help the child, the latter gets confused: "It's not how the teacher taught me". And they are right. They're already struggling to make sense of what the teacher told them, let alone to learn alternative methods.
There's also the place where children do the homework. Nice studies, warm rooms and comfy chairs. Alas, the best place is always the kitchen or dining table. Everything goes on in there and at times the noise is also incredible. Why do children choose it? Perhaps because it is near their parents, not isolated, and with easy access to help and support when they need it.
Many relationship patterns develop around homework. I've known very few situations in which these were as healthy and fruitful as they should be. Many patterns that develop are negative, tiring and destructive, leading both the child and the parent to feel horribly guilty, angry, sad and distraught. Two or three hours of homework are not a joke, especially if it's the only valid time the parent spends with one's children. It is such a shame that the parent/child relationship has to suffer so much because of this. Does it help the child to learn? It helps the child to learn techniques of how to keep the parent happy rather than to learn something about the homework.
Homework is also the source of many marital issues. It is quite common for parents to end up fighting because of their disagreements either about the homework itself or because of their disagreement on how to handle the child. This is a good source of guilt and shame for the child who ends up feeling the cause of the trouble between one's parents. In many such circumstances, the child adapts by focusing more on how to prevent the parents from fighting than on producing good quality homework.
One other big problem with homework is that it is one-for-all. No matter what character the child has, their style of learning or home situation, the homework is one and the same for all. Because of its exclusive nature, homework favours some children and supports the exclusion of those others who have a different style of learning. In the latter circumstances, the family relationships, particularly the child's with the parents', are more likely to be damaged.
I wondered for ages about how I was to help parents help their children with their homework. Here are some tips.
Remember that the homework is not yours, but the child's. Many parents make the mistake of making their child's success their own. This is problematic as the child will find it difficult to see himself or herself separate from the parent. It is often parents who have problems with self-esteem and base their pride on what their children achieve, finding it difficult to let the child learn properly through an own experience. The climax is the parent who ends up doing the homework or project for the child. If you are one of those parents, then you are supporting your child's feelings of incompetence and insecurity. Trying to fulfil your childhood dreams through your children is detrimental to the child. Seek professional help to resolve these issues.
Another important point is to remember that homework is the creation of others, often the teachers in the school. Constant collaboration with the school helps you understand better the type of demands the school is making on your child. Contact with the teachers and school helps the teachers better understand the service they are providing to your and other children. Set time with the school and make it a point to discuss things with them. The greater the involvement of parents in schools, the greater the success of the child.
Understanding your child's skills is vital for homework success. You don't want to push too much or too little and pushing your child with the right amount is important. There's so much to learn about here. Identifying your child's strengths such as thinking patterns, attention spans, communication style and the right place for him or her to do the homework gives you a good chance of helping your child succeed.
You have to develop an effective relationship with your child. Remember that parents are the best and most influential source of help and learning the child has. So spend some time asking yourself how you are helping your child. You can also video record a homework session and review the style of help you are using with the child. You will have to be honest with yourself here and admit that some things need to change.
Through the video, or through reflection, identify the common problems you encounter in helping your child complete the homework. You are likely to be repeating the same negative and non-productive patterns over and over again. Think about how you can find encouraging and helpful patterns with which to replace them. Ask your mate to get involved and help out with this.
The last tip is about joining forces. It is common for the mother to help the children with their homework. Come on dads, make sure you share the load. This gives your child an advantage as you parents can help each other in all the above tips. The homework is your child's responsibility of course, but you can make a difference in the way the child carries out that responsibility.
• Dr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.