Sibling rivalry can cause a lot of stress and tension in a family. So here are some other suggestions that may be helpful in dampening down this rivalry.
Don't make comparisons between the children - ("Look at your brother - how hard he studies.") Don't type-cast and pigeon-hole. Each child should be allowed to express his or her unique selfhood. Children resent being evaluated only in relation to someone else, whether siblings or others. Instead of comparison, each child in the family should be complemented for his/her own goals, and levels of expectation should appropriately relate only to the individual child.
Don't dismiss or suppress your children's resentment or angry feelings. Contrary to popular belief, anger is not a "negative" feeling, something we should try to avoid at all costs. It's an entirely normal part of being human, and it's certainly normal for siblings to get furious with one another at times. They need the adults in their lives to assure them that mothers and fathers get angry, too, but have learned to control themselves. It's good to teach children to distinguish between anger and aggression as feeling angry does not permit anyone to behave in cruel and aggressive ways. This is the time to sit down and talk. Acknowledge the anger - "I know you hate Sonia right now but that doesn't mean you can hit her with a ruler".
Try to avoid situations that promote guilt in siblings. If a child hits one's younger sibling, for example, one might think it's good to scorn the violent child. No! First try to teach the child that feelings and actions are not synonymous and that while it is normal to feel angry and want to hit the baby sometimes, one cannot simply do it. The guilt that follows doing something mean is a lot worse than the guilt of merely feeling mean. Parental intervention must be quick and decisive in such circumstances. Remember that violence can also be verbal and psychological and that calling each other names, using hard and strong adjectives, and hitting below the belt are also intolerable.
Whenever possible let brothers and sisters settle their own differences without your intervention. This sounds really simple and generic, but it can be terribly unfair at times. Parents have to judge when it is time to step in and mediate, especially in a contest of inequality in terms of age, strength, eloquence and so on. Some long-lasting grudges among adult siblings have resulted after consistent unprotected minority rights.
Don't speak against one in front of the other. This normally increases the child's sense of entitlement. It makes the child believe that he or she is the special child and the preferred. It may be the case that parents really prefer one child over another. This often results when parents are unable to look objectively at their children's different special qualities and highlight them.
Avoid arguing with one child in front of the other. This often gives the observing child more possibility to hit on the wound later, especially if the arguing involves the child's personal life and therefore stuff that the other child might eventually use against the other sibling.
Don't ignore appropriate behaviour. When siblings are playing nicely with each other make it a point to pass positive remarks about it. Unrewarded behaviour decreases and rewarded behaviour increases, so focus on the behaviour that you want to see more of and ignore the one you want to see less of.
Take note of the pattern of sibling rivalry. For example the time of day, the place, the situation, the people present, and so on, when conflicts usually occur. Perhaps a change in the routine, an earlier meal or snack, or a well-planned activity when the kids are at loose ends could help avert your children from fighting.
Teach your children positive ways to ask for the attention they need from you, your mate and each other. Show them how to approach another child and ask them to play. Teach them how to share things and time.
While being fair is extremely important, please keep in mind that it is not the same as being equal. Fairness is relative and your children need to learn that you will do your best to meet each of their unique needs.
Insert fun activities that involve and are fun for everyone. If your children have positive and pleasant experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict. It's easier to work it out with someone you share warm and pleasant memories with.
Make sure each child has enough time and space of their own. Kids need these to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their sibling, and they need to have their space and property protected too. Older siblings in particular may complain of lack of space and privacy and they resent younger siblings infringing their boundary lines.
Make sure you spend some valuable time with each child separately and possibly without them having to cross oceans to get it.
When things get rough and rivalry progresses to excessive physical or verbal violence or when the number of rivalry incidents seem excessive, take action. Talk with your children about what is going on. Provide suggestions on how they can handle the situation when it occurs such as ignoring the teasing; kidding back in a way that is humorous; simply agreeing (in a kidding way) that whatever the teaser is saying is true; telling the teaser that enough is enough; and when these measures don't work asking the person in charge (parent, babysitter) for help.
Start when they are babies. When visiting someone for a baptism for example, make sure you get a little gift for the older child along with that for the new baby. This will help the child integrate and associate the new baby with nice things too.
Ultimately, things can get very bad and the dynamics of sibling relationships can be at risk of being permanently damaged. Seek help from a professional you trust. You may also want to read some books to help you out. Good books I recommend are Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish; I'd Rather Have an Iguana, by Heidi Stetson Mario (for children four to six having to cope with a new baby in the family); Brothers and Sisters: Born to Bicker? by Pamela Shires Sneddon (Teen Issues); Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring and Compassionate, by Peter Goldenthal.
Remember, however, that fighting among siblings is rather very normal and that it also has the purpose of offering the children a place where to train some vital skills. Negotiating, assertiveness, conflict management and many more are all potentially learned through fighting with one's siblings. It's often up to parents to extract and highlight on the positive aspects of all this and teach children a useful lesson.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
Don't make comparisons between the children - ("Look at your brother - how hard he studies.") Don't type-cast and pigeon-hole. Each child should be allowed to express his or her unique selfhood. Children resent being evaluated only in relation to someone else, whether siblings or others. Instead of comparison, each child in the family should be complemented for his/her own goals, and levels of expectation should appropriately relate only to the individual child.
Don't dismiss or suppress your children's resentment or angry feelings. Contrary to popular belief, anger is not a "negative" feeling, something we should try to avoid at all costs. It's an entirely normal part of being human, and it's certainly normal for siblings to get furious with one another at times. They need the adults in their lives to assure them that mothers and fathers get angry, too, but have learned to control themselves. It's good to teach children to distinguish between anger and aggression as feeling angry does not permit anyone to behave in cruel and aggressive ways. This is the time to sit down and talk. Acknowledge the anger - "I know you hate Sonia right now but that doesn't mean you can hit her with a ruler".
Try to avoid situations that promote guilt in siblings. If a child hits one's younger sibling, for example, one might think it's good to scorn the violent child. No! First try to teach the child that feelings and actions are not synonymous and that while it is normal to feel angry and want to hit the baby sometimes, one cannot simply do it. The guilt that follows doing something mean is a lot worse than the guilt of merely feeling mean. Parental intervention must be quick and decisive in such circumstances. Remember that violence can also be verbal and psychological and that calling each other names, using hard and strong adjectives, and hitting below the belt are also intolerable.
Whenever possible let brothers and sisters settle their own differences without your intervention. This sounds really simple and generic, but it can be terribly unfair at times. Parents have to judge when it is time to step in and mediate, especially in a contest of inequality in terms of age, strength, eloquence and so on. Some long-lasting grudges among adult siblings have resulted after consistent unprotected minority rights.
Don't speak against one in front of the other. This normally increases the child's sense of entitlement. It makes the child believe that he or she is the special child and the preferred. It may be the case that parents really prefer one child over another. This often results when parents are unable to look objectively at their children's different special qualities and highlight them.
Avoid arguing with one child in front of the other. This often gives the observing child more possibility to hit on the wound later, especially if the arguing involves the child's personal life and therefore stuff that the other child might eventually use against the other sibling.
Don't ignore appropriate behaviour. When siblings are playing nicely with each other make it a point to pass positive remarks about it. Unrewarded behaviour decreases and rewarded behaviour increases, so focus on the behaviour that you want to see more of and ignore the one you want to see less of.
Take note of the pattern of sibling rivalry. For example the time of day, the place, the situation, the people present, and so on, when conflicts usually occur. Perhaps a change in the routine, an earlier meal or snack, or a well-planned activity when the kids are at loose ends could help avert your children from fighting.
Teach your children positive ways to ask for the attention they need from you, your mate and each other. Show them how to approach another child and ask them to play. Teach them how to share things and time.
While being fair is extremely important, please keep in mind that it is not the same as being equal. Fairness is relative and your children need to learn that you will do your best to meet each of their unique needs.
Insert fun activities that involve and are fun for everyone. If your children have positive and pleasant experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict. It's easier to work it out with someone you share warm and pleasant memories with.
Make sure each child has enough time and space of their own. Kids need these to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their sibling, and they need to have their space and property protected too. Older siblings in particular may complain of lack of space and privacy and they resent younger siblings infringing their boundary lines.
Make sure you spend some valuable time with each child separately and possibly without them having to cross oceans to get it.
When things get rough and rivalry progresses to excessive physical or verbal violence or when the number of rivalry incidents seem excessive, take action. Talk with your children about what is going on. Provide suggestions on how they can handle the situation when it occurs such as ignoring the teasing; kidding back in a way that is humorous; simply agreeing (in a kidding way) that whatever the teaser is saying is true; telling the teaser that enough is enough; and when these measures don't work asking the person in charge (parent, babysitter) for help.
Start when they are babies. When visiting someone for a baptism for example, make sure you get a little gift for the older child along with that for the new baby. This will help the child integrate and associate the new baby with nice things too.
Ultimately, things can get very bad and the dynamics of sibling relationships can be at risk of being permanently damaged. Seek help from a professional you trust. You may also want to read some books to help you out. Good books I recommend are Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish; I'd Rather Have an Iguana, by Heidi Stetson Mario (for children four to six having to cope with a new baby in the family); Brothers and Sisters: Born to Bicker? by Pamela Shires Sneddon (Teen Issues); Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring and Compassionate, by Peter Goldenthal.
Remember, however, that fighting among siblings is rather very normal and that it also has the purpose of offering the children a place where to train some vital skills. Negotiating, assertiveness, conflict management and many more are all potentially learned through fighting with one's siblings. It's often up to parents to extract and highlight on the positive aspects of all this and teach children a useful lesson.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.