In the family and in schools we often face a dilemma when it comes to child discipline. Some are in favour of strict discipline and blind obedience because "sparing the rod spoils the child". Others are more lenient and give too many 'chances'.

Some oscillate between the two approaches, which can look inconsistent, while others think that parents and teachers are responsible for all aspects of children's behaviour. This, of course, is a blank cheque for the child to get away with murder.

Think back to when you were a child. Would you say your parents and teachers applied discipline at home and school? Most would say 'yes' to this question. Some might have had more discipline than others, but on the whole everyone tends to agree that some measure of discipline was applied both at home and school in the past.

But today, would you say that we are living in a disciplined society? I feel most would agree that something has gone wrong. Why?

Punishment has often been seen as the way to achieve discipline... any sort of punishment - from corporal to depriving the child of enjoyment.

To hammer this home, conditional rewards were offered. This approach is short-lived, but the rebellion it generates within the individual is long lasting.

Punishment teaches us how to hurt others, while conditional rewards teach us how to bribe others to get our way. In the end, both backfire.

The American psychiatrist and educator, Rudolf Dreikur, once said that punishment demeans and dehumanises a child, while positive discipline strengthens a child's feeling of self-worth.

And, according to the philosopher Nietzche, punishment hardens and numbs - it sharpens the consciousness of alienation, and it strengthens the power of resistance.

The alternative approach is one that instils self-discipline. The principle is: Never discipline a child but teach self-discipline. This concept might require a different mindset to the one we are accustomed to.

The aim is to train children from a very young age to be responsible and accountable. This might seem ambitious for a very young child, but every age has its appropriate share of responsibilities.

When children are pampered or spoon-fed, and adults assume all responsibilities, even those that children can handle on their own, the message children receive is: "You don't need to bother. Someone else will do it or solve it for you." Another more harmful message is: "You are not capable of standing on your own two feet without me propping you up." This is a death sentence for self-esteem.

Wouldn't it be reassuring if parents knew they could trust their teenagers to be responsible and accountable? Wouldn't life be a lot easier if all our colleagues or neighbours were responsible and accountable?

One might say that this is wishful thinking, but change can happen if those caring for children change their mentality, and acquire and apply the required skills.

A Kindergarten child can shoulder certain responsibilities, such as tidying up toys, putting shoes or clothes in their place, eating on their own and helping with simple chores. This not only trains the children in everyday tasks, but also gives them the opportunity to savour the satisfaction of completing tasks on their own. This is the first step to building self-esteem.

Children learn to be responsible when they are given choices and know the consequences of taking a course of action. Choices and consequences should be age-relevant.

'Logical consequence' is not a fancy term for 'punishment'. A logical consequence is meant to teach, it is realistic, based on justice, can be easily applied, and is related to the original action.

Since the children know the consequence beforehand, it is they who effectively decide what is going to happen to them. This is empowerment. This is training in decision-making and problem-solving.

Shouldering the consequences of their choices teaches children to be accountable. Being 'rescued' turns accountability into a joke. Parents who take to school a book their child has forgotten at home may prevent their child getting punished; however, the parents' good intention is not always positive for the child's formative thinking. The child would be better off shouldering the consequence of his action as long as this does not put the child in any danger.

It is amazing how well children respond to this approach and how much they learn from it. It is a way to guide and influence the child without increasing stress or anxiety in the child and those around them. It is a way to build relationships based on mutual respect, co-operation, responsibility and accountability.

If this principle were applied across the board and at different levels of society, hopefully mentalities and attitudes will change for the better. We all have the potential to be responsible and accountable, but it needs to be tapped and nurtured - especially in children.

As the British statesman Benjamin Disraeli once said: "The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own."

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