Relationships - Cohabiting relations
An economy-based society calls for both the government and the Church to prioritise financial investment in family welfare over all other forms of investment. The family is fundamental to society.
Many couples are opting to cohabit rather than marry. Many others might want to opt for a civil marriage and many more still go for a canonised one. While one might think of their common denominator as being the relationship, all of these forms of union constitute fundamental differences and similarities in the terms of their arrangement.
The recent surge of cohabitation may be considered as shocking when considering that cohabitation was almost non-existent until just some years ago. It is particularly shocking when one considers that cohabitation is a symptom of two important "maladies" in our social system. The first being the increasing individualism and decline in believing in and trusting higher structures (social and Church), and the second is the increasing rate of separation. The absence of divorce also makes it impossible for one to remarry, and therefore contributes to the increasing cohabitation rate.
This is a shifting period for Malta as it grapples the individualistic values from continental Europe and the western world while simultaneously holding on to traditional values. People's trust in social and religious structures is somehow fading and people are relying more on their own personal structures, standards and definitions. It is therefore quite isolating and simultaneously empowering, as couples, whether cohabiting or married, have to construct their own set of rules, idiosyncratic to their commitment, rather than those prescribed by the state or the Church.
It might seem as chaotic for some of course. And it can be confusing as the confines of relationship structures become vague and unlimited. Yet Malta faces a historical context where the traditional is being consistently challenged in all spheres of family life, be it marital relationship, parenting, family structure, and so on. From the perspective of progress, what is needed is adaptive and flexible legislation and the openness for new values to accommodate the inevitable changes.
Meanwhile, it is acknowledged that increasing cohabitation and civil marriage, and the decline in Church marriages are the result of a complex ongoing social drama. What is important though is that at least people are still looking for committed unions, as any cohabitation can be. This is hopeful and cannot be looked upon as simply a decline in values. Cohabiting relationships can be as committed as contracted marriages even though their contract is rather very private.
Cohabitation can offer equal psychological security to the children too. It mostly depends on how the parents relate. Because cohabiting couples are often less relaxed about their relationship (as there is no binding contract), they tend to take the relationship less for granted, unlike in marriage (civil or Church). This can limit the partners' behaviour to decent civilised interactions rather than the decrepit and stormy relationships found in marriages.
The worst that can happen (or is already happening) is that people give up on relationships altogether and fade into a singular life of impersonal one-night stands or uncommitted relationships. Some people experience great stress in committing themselves partly because of what is going on. Increasing separation is having its toll on disheartening people from committing themselves into relationships altogether, and people are becoming self-protective.
However, cohabitation poses some serious challenges too. The recently reported increase in fatherless children can be linked in some way, although we need to study the situation further. Some argue that the problems linked with cohabitation are all due to the lack of legal structures levelling cohabitation along with the other legitimated forms of union. Cohabiting couples often tend to avoid having children, or they often decide to get married before they have children to give a legal and moral framework to their union and "legitimise" the child. A further decrease in the population accompanies increasing cohabitation.
Contrary to what most believe, cohabitation doesn't provide an optimistic prelude to a healthier marriage. On the contrary, marriage after a period of cohabitation can be a dangerous move, with many such marriages often ending up in separation very soon after. This further complicates the confusion of definitions of what constitutes a family as the increased variation of arrangements does.
There's a lot of work to be done by the Church and the government if they want to jump on the brakes of the so-called progress. Well, value-progress, particularly about individualism, which doesn't necessarily mean a better life in terms of marriage and family life.
They can invest in improving the services they already offer which are not good enough to cater for the increasingly complex problems the Maltese are experiencing at this point in history. Improving on these services means moving from a crisis management position into a more pro-active preventive plan involving all aspects of relationships and family life. Achieving this means being themselves congruent between what they say and what they do. Preaching on the family is one thing and investing the necessary resources is completely another. An economy-based society calls for both the government and the Church to prioritise financial investment in family welfare over all other forms of investments. The family is fundamental to society.
Another investment is promoting family values without blaming the family itself. Blaming only destroys and people really need encouragement in such a delicate transition. Political parties can do a lot more of course, especially by de-politicising family issues and giving people what they really need rather than what they think they need from their cushy offices. People want politicians who are genuinely interested in the family as a structure rather than those who are there for the personal power pursuit, which contradicts the value of the common interest, so necessary to sustain family life.
We common mortals can also do a lot too. By taking care of our little niche we can all contribute to healthier families. By doing our effort in helping our children grow into decent persons we will be contributing to our future generations of families. We need to convince our children, through our behaviour, that family life really works and we need to role model to them the best sides of ourselves and our relationships. Who cares if it's cohabitation, a civil or a Canonised marriage? The fundamental values of love and solidarity so essential to healthy families remain the same after all.
• Dr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
The recent surge of cohabitation may be considered as shocking when considering that cohabitation was almost non-existent until just some years ago. It is particularly shocking when one considers that cohabitation is a symptom of two important "maladies" in our social system. The first being the increasing individualism and decline in believing in and trusting higher structures (social and Church), and the second is the increasing rate of separation. The absence of divorce also makes it impossible for one to remarry, and therefore contributes to the increasing cohabitation rate.
This is a shifting period for Malta as it grapples the individualistic values from continental Europe and the western world while simultaneously holding on to traditional values. People's trust in social and religious structures is somehow fading and people are relying more on their own personal structures, standards and definitions. It is therefore quite isolating and simultaneously empowering, as couples, whether cohabiting or married, have to construct their own set of rules, idiosyncratic to their commitment, rather than those prescribed by the state or the Church.
It might seem as chaotic for some of course. And it can be confusing as the confines of relationship structures become vague and unlimited. Yet Malta faces a historical context where the traditional is being consistently challenged in all spheres of family life, be it marital relationship, parenting, family structure, and so on. From the perspective of progress, what is needed is adaptive and flexible legislation and the openness for new values to accommodate the inevitable changes.
Meanwhile, it is acknowledged that increasing cohabitation and civil marriage, and the decline in Church marriages are the result of a complex ongoing social drama. What is important though is that at least people are still looking for committed unions, as any cohabitation can be. This is hopeful and cannot be looked upon as simply a decline in values. Cohabiting relationships can be as committed as contracted marriages even though their contract is rather very private.
Cohabitation can offer equal psychological security to the children too. It mostly depends on how the parents relate. Because cohabiting couples are often less relaxed about their relationship (as there is no binding contract), they tend to take the relationship less for granted, unlike in marriage (civil or Church). This can limit the partners' behaviour to decent civilised interactions rather than the decrepit and stormy relationships found in marriages.
The worst that can happen (or is already happening) is that people give up on relationships altogether and fade into a singular life of impersonal one-night stands or uncommitted relationships. Some people experience great stress in committing themselves partly because of what is going on. Increasing separation is having its toll on disheartening people from committing themselves into relationships altogether, and people are becoming self-protective.
However, cohabitation poses some serious challenges too. The recently reported increase in fatherless children can be linked in some way, although we need to study the situation further. Some argue that the problems linked with cohabitation are all due to the lack of legal structures levelling cohabitation along with the other legitimated forms of union. Cohabiting couples often tend to avoid having children, or they often decide to get married before they have children to give a legal and moral framework to their union and "legitimise" the child. A further decrease in the population accompanies increasing cohabitation.
Contrary to what most believe, cohabitation doesn't provide an optimistic prelude to a healthier marriage. On the contrary, marriage after a period of cohabitation can be a dangerous move, with many such marriages often ending up in separation very soon after. This further complicates the confusion of definitions of what constitutes a family as the increased variation of arrangements does.
There's a lot of work to be done by the Church and the government if they want to jump on the brakes of the so-called progress. Well, value-progress, particularly about individualism, which doesn't necessarily mean a better life in terms of marriage and family life.
They can invest in improving the services they already offer which are not good enough to cater for the increasingly complex problems the Maltese are experiencing at this point in history. Improving on these services means moving from a crisis management position into a more pro-active preventive plan involving all aspects of relationships and family life. Achieving this means being themselves congruent between what they say and what they do. Preaching on the family is one thing and investing the necessary resources is completely another. An economy-based society calls for both the government and the Church to prioritise financial investment in family welfare over all other forms of investments. The family is fundamental to society.
Another investment is promoting family values without blaming the family itself. Blaming only destroys and people really need encouragement in such a delicate transition. Political parties can do a lot more of course, especially by de-politicising family issues and giving people what they really need rather than what they think they need from their cushy offices. People want politicians who are genuinely interested in the family as a structure rather than those who are there for the personal power pursuit, which contradicts the value of the common interest, so necessary to sustain family life.
We common mortals can also do a lot too. By taking care of our little niche we can all contribute to healthier families. By doing our effort in helping our children grow into decent persons we will be contributing to our future generations of families. We need to convince our children, through our behaviour, that family life really works and we need to role model to them the best sides of ourselves and our relationships. Who cares if it's cohabitation, a civil or a Canonised marriage? The fundamental values of love and solidarity so essential to healthy families remain the same after all.
• Dr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.