Charlie Azzopardi
Relationships - Sex, the Maltese and the young
Sex is nature's way of promoting and generating itself. Attempts at ignoring it or hindering it will only make things worse.
Safer sex: Most sexually-active teenagers don't use condoms regularly, a behaviour that puts them at risk of sexually-transmitted diseases.
Sex again? Oh yes, especially in view of the recent survey which is said to throw light on the love life of the Maltese. I must admit I haven't seen the whole thing but only what was neatly squeezed into an article late last month. The news is somewhat shocking, isn't it? We Maltese do not use condoms, we have sex before marriage (but not too early in the relationship), and the Maltese sample was exceptionally older starting from age 18 rather than 16. Any explanations please?
If anything, this survey shows how much of a taboo sex still is in our country. The guilt associated with sex is akin to the guilt associated with having fun. This is truer of the older generations than the younger and tallies with the increasing power of the new generation of media. But are the younger more liberal?
One has to glance at other statistics too and put the results of this survey into a new context. The value changes mentioned have been detected during the last couple of decades and have been linked with the increasing sense of individualism, which scares me a bit considering its potential destination of an increasing sense of isolation. And this is exactly the point I want to make.
It's all so good to carry out research. Thank you Bayer Health Care! But how are we going to use this research, and others, to plan our island's future? Is there anyone taking care of this and making sure that research is being put to good use?
Meanwhile, our younger generations are being exposed to all sorts of sexually transmitted diseases. Why aren't they using condoms, for example? Is it because they don't have sex before marrying? Or is it because they are too shy to go into a pharmacy and get a pack of condoms? The young especially, those who have been excluded from the research (16 to 18 year olds) are the ones we would have loved to know more about. Has Bayer Health Care thought that they are not sexually active in Catholic Malta?
It only had to look into statistics about teenage pregnancy for Bayer to know how active the young Maltese are. It only had to go and have a chat with the local GPs and the GU Clinic to know their habits. We have known that the Maltese have difficulty when it comes to using condoms for ages now. And what have we done except for the brave attempt of some to promote its use amid all the criticism?
Sex is beautiful. And the more we talk about it in this way the more we miss on the point of teaching our younger generations to enjoy it in a healthy and safe way. Evidently, Maltese parents find it extremely difficult to talk about sex with their children. The children might perceive this as an indication that sex is taboo and not something one talks about so freely.
If we don't teach our children, someone else will. Many parents assume that "their" adolescent children are innocent and don't think or are not concerned about sex. No matter what you want to believe, sex gains autonomous importance as children grow into adults and hormonal changes take place. It is often the case that even if we try to teach our children about sex and sexuality they tend to learn other things, at times contradictory, from their friends and other sources like magazines, books, TV and the internet.
It's rather common that parents get concerned about their children's sexual behaviour. Often, such concern has more to do with the parents' anxiety about how to handle the concern than about the adolescent himself or herself. Many parents get anxious when they discover their teens accessing erotic websites over the internet, or using sexual language with their peers. Prying into their diaries may reveal their sexual interest too. The concern may be a natural protective reaction towards one's children. But it is also natural for the adolescent to start indulging in some kind of sexual activity.
Sex is a basic need just like food and sleep and as such people indulge in it as soon as their hormones command the first sexual appetites. Sex is nature's way of promoting and generating itself. Attempts at ignoring it or hindering it will only make things worse. The first discoveries often surround masturbation or some other forms of self stimulation. If parents discover that their adolescents are starting to sow the seeds of sexual interest they should actually be relieved. The biology seems to be working well!
With sexuality being a very natural aspect of human life, we parents can't just prohibit our children and fill their minds with crappy excuses. Many parents pass their children the message that sex is a bad thing. This creates a sense of guilt in the children for something nature has endowed them with. The rather mediaeval approach to sex scares adolescents. However, such messages contradict the child's experience of sex as something pleasurable and nice. Most of all it contradicts nature.
They just have to express it somehow and somewhere, and intelligent parents prefer being safe by explaining some things themselves. It's best if the parents are together when they talk about sex to their children. Bringing the subject up requires a certain degree of skill too. Some parents create the wrong atmosphere for such discourses by making it very formal. Adolescents don't really like being formal. Formality may preclude effective results as adolescents may feel uncomfortable and therefore may simply reject information in defence.
Doing it informally often works best. In the car for example while driving them somewhere. It is the best place for various reasons. Teens often don't like being looked at directly in the eyes. The side by side sitting in the car therefore becomes an ideal setting, especially if it's done with a radio or preferred CD running in the background. Make sure that the trip allows enough time for you to conclude the topic you want to talk about or discuss.
Be short and sweet. Preaches and eulogies don't normally work with adolescents. To-the-point clear statements are mostly effective. This might require some practice on your part. Getting a second chance is a high bet. Don't repeat it everyday as it becomes a bore. The best way is to take a hint from a song, the news, or what's playing on the radio or CD and link it with what you have to say, making your account sound as an informal and casual occurrence.
• Dr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
If anything, this survey shows how much of a taboo sex still is in our country. The guilt associated with sex is akin to the guilt associated with having fun. This is truer of the older generations than the younger and tallies with the increasing power of the new generation of media. But are the younger more liberal?
One has to glance at other statistics too and put the results of this survey into a new context. The value changes mentioned have been detected during the last couple of decades and have been linked with the increasing sense of individualism, which scares me a bit considering its potential destination of an increasing sense of isolation. And this is exactly the point I want to make.
It's all so good to carry out research. Thank you Bayer Health Care! But how are we going to use this research, and others, to plan our island's future? Is there anyone taking care of this and making sure that research is being put to good use?
Meanwhile, our younger generations are being exposed to all sorts of sexually transmitted diseases. Why aren't they using condoms, for example? Is it because they don't have sex before marrying? Or is it because they are too shy to go into a pharmacy and get a pack of condoms? The young especially, those who have been excluded from the research (16 to 18 year olds) are the ones we would have loved to know more about. Has Bayer Health Care thought that they are not sexually active in Catholic Malta?
It only had to look into statistics about teenage pregnancy for Bayer to know how active the young Maltese are. It only had to go and have a chat with the local GPs and the GU Clinic to know their habits. We have known that the Maltese have difficulty when it comes to using condoms for ages now. And what have we done except for the brave attempt of some to promote its use amid all the criticism?
Sex is beautiful. And the more we talk about it in this way the more we miss on the point of teaching our younger generations to enjoy it in a healthy and safe way. Evidently, Maltese parents find it extremely difficult to talk about sex with their children. The children might perceive this as an indication that sex is taboo and not something one talks about so freely.
If we don't teach our children, someone else will. Many parents assume that "their" adolescent children are innocent and don't think or are not concerned about sex. No matter what you want to believe, sex gains autonomous importance as children grow into adults and hormonal changes take place. It is often the case that even if we try to teach our children about sex and sexuality they tend to learn other things, at times contradictory, from their friends and other sources like magazines, books, TV and the internet.
It's rather common that parents get concerned about their children's sexual behaviour. Often, such concern has more to do with the parents' anxiety about how to handle the concern than about the adolescent himself or herself. Many parents get anxious when they discover their teens accessing erotic websites over the internet, or using sexual language with their peers. Prying into their diaries may reveal their sexual interest too. The concern may be a natural protective reaction towards one's children. But it is also natural for the adolescent to start indulging in some kind of sexual activity.
Sex is a basic need just like food and sleep and as such people indulge in it as soon as their hormones command the first sexual appetites. Sex is nature's way of promoting and generating itself. Attempts at ignoring it or hindering it will only make things worse. The first discoveries often surround masturbation or some other forms of self stimulation. If parents discover that their adolescents are starting to sow the seeds of sexual interest they should actually be relieved. The biology seems to be working well!
With sexuality being a very natural aspect of human life, we parents can't just prohibit our children and fill their minds with crappy excuses. Many parents pass their children the message that sex is a bad thing. This creates a sense of guilt in the children for something nature has endowed them with. The rather mediaeval approach to sex scares adolescents. However, such messages contradict the child's experience of sex as something pleasurable and nice. Most of all it contradicts nature.
They just have to express it somehow and somewhere, and intelligent parents prefer being safe by explaining some things themselves. It's best if the parents are together when they talk about sex to their children. Bringing the subject up requires a certain degree of skill too. Some parents create the wrong atmosphere for such discourses by making it very formal. Adolescents don't really like being formal. Formality may preclude effective results as adolescents may feel uncomfortable and therefore may simply reject information in defence.
Doing it informally often works best. In the car for example while driving them somewhere. It is the best place for various reasons. Teens often don't like being looked at directly in the eyes. The side by side sitting in the car therefore becomes an ideal setting, especially if it's done with a radio or preferred CD running in the background. Make sure that the trip allows enough time for you to conclude the topic you want to talk about or discuss.
Be short and sweet. Preaches and eulogies don't normally work with adolescents. To-the-point clear statements are mostly effective. This might require some practice on your part. Getting a second chance is a high bet. Don't repeat it everyday as it becomes a bore. The best way is to take a hint from a song, the news, or what's playing on the radio or CD and link it with what you have to say, making your account sound as an informal and casual occurrence.
• Dr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
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