There are lessons we can learn from the British experience of course, but only if we can be open minded enough to reflect. The first lesson is about the value system we are adopting. The Maltese are in transition between traditional and post-traditional values. This means we are struggling to retain traditional values but modern life is making other demands on us. Parents of a 14-year-old child who asks them to go out and stay out late, find it very difficult to decide what's best for the child. On the one side traditional values and common sense say it's still early, on the other hand social pressure is telling them otherwise. Investment needs to be made to teach our children about the values of love, solidarity, sacrifice, limitations and collaboration.
The other lesson is about separation and divorce. The grand majority of those who get into trouble have family problems and most of them come from fatherless families. If we want to prevent increasing violence and prison populations we have to do something to keep the family intact as much as possible. Investing in sustaining healthy families is paramount for healthy individuals and societies. This investment needs a wide vision and has to come from a serious political establishment. It is definitely not the right time for this now, as politicians forget about the well-being of the country to concentrate their resources on winning the elections.
The other lesson is about work-life balance. The British are those who work the longest hours in Europe. Men work longer hours than women, which again leads to the link with fatherlessness. Women also work very long hours and this leaves the children unattended and uncontrolled. Parenting skills in such families tend to be more on the liberal end and parents who work longer are more likely to feel guilty towards their children and alleviate that guilt by providing material replacements. Because of work demand, British children make use of the childcare centres which can never replace parental love and care. Malta needs to work very hard on this as we are still at a stage in which we can prevent this from happening. Family-oriented measures don't include child care centres, but rather measures that help children be more with their parents.
One other big lesson is that we have to teach our children to look for happiness in the right direction. We are teaching our children to look for happiness in brands and to find their self esteem in what they have, rather in what they are. We are sending confusing and paradoxical messages about love and happiness and this is already being seen in the increasing separation of our young couples.
Rearing healthy children is a skill parents often acquire from their own experience and from their personal script. Many parents often feel helpless and dubious about whether they are doing the right thing with their children. As traditional standards subside, they are not being replaced by anything concrete and parents are left to their own devices, unsupported. Yet recent research agrees on some specific points which I want to highlight with the hope of offering parents some guidelines for healthy upbringing.
Children learn about rules and responsibilities from their parents. The first seeds are sown with the first breath. Before giving birth to children, parents should start talking about children, their views about parenting, their values around discipline and they way they think children must be loved and disciplined. Since people live in social systems they have to learn to abide by the rule of that social system and therefore the earlier they learn about them the more likely they are to fit. Many parents fail in this because they either disagree between themselves about the best way to rear their children and because they fail to keep a coherent style all the way through. This confuses children as to what's the best way to live.
Encourage your child in what he or she does. Courage is the number one factor of successful people and encouragement is vital for the success of your child. Courage and discipline together provide the direction you give to your child in life. Together they are the recipe for "directed energy". Encouraging a child does not mean giving undeserved or insincere praise. Encouragement means showing appreciation, approval and loving security which people need to feel safe in making leaps in life.
Focus on the positive behaviour is also known as positive reinforcement. It is good to provide children with a sense of direction and therefore it is good to tell children what to do rather than what not to do. Many of us parents would say "don't do this" or "don't do that" without telling them exactly what to do instead. Unfortunately our brains can't figure out a negative. Because its function is based on neural networks there is apparently no neutral network for what doesn't exist. So when you tell a child not to touch a plug you are directing his or her attention exactly where you want him or her not to look. I tell you "don't think of a red bus" and that's exactly what you start thinking about. Focusing on the positive means "catch them doing good". Somehow we are more inclined to catch them doing bad things and ignoring the good things they do. Highlighting the good, rather than the bad, helps children focus on the best side of themselves and improve on it.
Be one as parents. Parents have to agree on one method of childrearing if they want their children to have a clear picture of what is expected of them. There's that saying about the ship with two captains. It is the same with children and if you want them to reach a destination you have to offer them one coherent direction. It's not easy I know, especially in circumstance where the parents have other problems between them. That is why taking children away early from their parents is detrimental to the children. You hear some who leave their children with the grandparents until they go to work and they tell you how difficult it is for the child to understand the difference between what grandma or grandpa say and what the parents say, and how confusing it can be. It is definitely worse with childcare centres at age 18 months. Especially at this age children definitely need one unique childrearing method in order to grow healthy. Other methods can be introduced later of course.
One last and very important thing about parenting is to remember that you are the most important role model in your child's life. Whatever you do and say is taken literally by your child. You are their god and they believe in you more than you might believe in yourself. Take care how you behave, not only with them. Even when you are alone you are role modelling to your child. Their future marital behaviour is often determined by the way they see you relate to each other as husband and wife too. And their future parental behaviour is determined by the way they perceive you relating to them and their siblings.
All other things being equal, what we sow is therefore what we will eventually reap. The killers in the UK have a specific psychological profile, the most prominent feature of which is an inability to empathise. That is an inability to look into someone's eyes and try to feel what they are feeling. It is something that can only be born out of the child's bonding - that one to one relationship which a child has with its parents that allows them to interact, even wordlessly in a world that is totally indifferent to what goes on between them. That is a bonding which is only brought about by a constant, loving contact, built over time and with patience.
• Dr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
http://www.family-life-works.com
The other lesson is about separation and divorce. The grand majority of those who get into trouble have family problems and most of them come from fatherless families. If we want to prevent increasing violence and prison populations we have to do something to keep the family intact as much as possible. Investing in sustaining healthy families is paramount for healthy individuals and societies. This investment needs a wide vision and has to come from a serious political establishment. It is definitely not the right time for this now, as politicians forget about the well-being of the country to concentrate their resources on winning the elections.
The other lesson is about work-life balance. The British are those who work the longest hours in Europe. Men work longer hours than women, which again leads to the link with fatherlessness. Women also work very long hours and this leaves the children unattended and uncontrolled. Parenting skills in such families tend to be more on the liberal end and parents who work longer are more likely to feel guilty towards their children and alleviate that guilt by providing material replacements. Because of work demand, British children make use of the childcare centres which can never replace parental love and care. Malta needs to work very hard on this as we are still at a stage in which we can prevent this from happening. Family-oriented measures don't include child care centres, but rather measures that help children be more with their parents.
One other big lesson is that we have to teach our children to look for happiness in the right direction. We are teaching our children to look for happiness in brands and to find their self esteem in what they have, rather in what they are. We are sending confusing and paradoxical messages about love and happiness and this is already being seen in the increasing separation of our young couples.
Rearing healthy children is a skill parents often acquire from their own experience and from their personal script. Many parents often feel helpless and dubious about whether they are doing the right thing with their children. As traditional standards subside, they are not being replaced by anything concrete and parents are left to their own devices, unsupported. Yet recent research agrees on some specific points which I want to highlight with the hope of offering parents some guidelines for healthy upbringing.
Children learn about rules and responsibilities from their parents. The first seeds are sown with the first breath. Before giving birth to children, parents should start talking about children, their views about parenting, their values around discipline and they way they think children must be loved and disciplined. Since people live in social systems they have to learn to abide by the rule of that social system and therefore the earlier they learn about them the more likely they are to fit. Many parents fail in this because they either disagree between themselves about the best way to rear their children and because they fail to keep a coherent style all the way through. This confuses children as to what's the best way to live.
Encourage your child in what he or she does. Courage is the number one factor of successful people and encouragement is vital for the success of your child. Courage and discipline together provide the direction you give to your child in life. Together they are the recipe for "directed energy". Encouraging a child does not mean giving undeserved or insincere praise. Encouragement means showing appreciation, approval and loving security which people need to feel safe in making leaps in life.
Focus on the positive behaviour is also known as positive reinforcement. It is good to provide children with a sense of direction and therefore it is good to tell children what to do rather than what not to do. Many of us parents would say "don't do this" or "don't do that" without telling them exactly what to do instead. Unfortunately our brains can't figure out a negative. Because its function is based on neural networks there is apparently no neutral network for what doesn't exist. So when you tell a child not to touch a plug you are directing his or her attention exactly where you want him or her not to look. I tell you "don't think of a red bus" and that's exactly what you start thinking about. Focusing on the positive means "catch them doing good". Somehow we are more inclined to catch them doing bad things and ignoring the good things they do. Highlighting the good, rather than the bad, helps children focus on the best side of themselves and improve on it.
Be one as parents. Parents have to agree on one method of childrearing if they want their children to have a clear picture of what is expected of them. There's that saying about the ship with two captains. It is the same with children and if you want them to reach a destination you have to offer them one coherent direction. It's not easy I know, especially in circumstance where the parents have other problems between them. That is why taking children away early from their parents is detrimental to the children. You hear some who leave their children with the grandparents until they go to work and they tell you how difficult it is for the child to understand the difference between what grandma or grandpa say and what the parents say, and how confusing it can be. It is definitely worse with childcare centres at age 18 months. Especially at this age children definitely need one unique childrearing method in order to grow healthy. Other methods can be introduced later of course.
One last and very important thing about parenting is to remember that you are the most important role model in your child's life. Whatever you do and say is taken literally by your child. You are their god and they believe in you more than you might believe in yourself. Take care how you behave, not only with them. Even when you are alone you are role modelling to your child. Their future marital behaviour is often determined by the way they see you relate to each other as husband and wife too. And their future parental behaviour is determined by the way they perceive you relating to them and their siblings.
All other things being equal, what we sow is therefore what we will eventually reap. The killers in the UK have a specific psychological profile, the most prominent feature of which is an inability to empathise. That is an inability to look into someone's eyes and try to feel what they are feeling. It is something that can only be born out of the child's bonding - that one to one relationship which a child has with its parents that allows them to interact, even wordlessly in a world that is totally indifferent to what goes on between them. That is a bonding which is only brought about by a constant, loving contact, built over time and with patience.
• Dr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
http://www.family-life-works.com