A little bit off the top

"Good morning, sir, the usual?"

"Um, yes please, just a trim... nothing fancy."

"Certainly, sir. Funny weather we're having for the time of year."

"Is it?"

"Yes... probably something to do with all that global warming."

"Really? I'd have thought that - if anything - it's colder than usual for the time of year."

"Precisely sir, global warming seems to be having the reverse effect, if you ask me."

"So why do they call it global warming then?"

"Search me... probably the bloody government's fault."

"Oh, how come?"

"I see we're starting to go a little grey around the temples, aren't we sir?"

"I don't know about we... but I certainly am."

"I can fix that for you sir in no time. Just add a touch of discreet colour to each temple. And it just so happens I have a tint that almost exactly matches yours. A sort of mousy ginger."

"But my hair... well, most of it... is dark brown."

"Precisely sir, I did say almost... exactly. Shall I...?"

"No thank you. If I'm going grey, I'll go it."

"No need, you know, sir."

"Just... leave it, OK! As we agreed at the beginning... just a trim."

"Ooh now then, looky here."

"What?"

"We... ahem you are definitely starting to, how shall I put this... starting to, er, go a little thin on top. Just a little, you understand. But that shouldn't be a problem, sir. A discreet toupet or a subtle bit of hair weaving, very Elton John. What do you say?"

"What do I say? I say... once again... no... thank you, OK!"

"Your choice, sir."

"Just a trim."

"Just a boring old trim. Certainly squire, you're the boss. It's your head. And if you insist on walking around the streets looking like a style-challenged bald-headed geriatric, who am I to gainsay you?"

"Who indeed."

"Fair enough. But if I can't tempt you to a subtle bit of tonsorial enhancement, maybe I can talk you into doing something to take people's minds off your diminishing and greying thatch."

"Like what?"

"Like a subtly sited and oh so discreet tattoo. Here's my brochure, I can do anything in there, and I even do bespoke tattoos. Just this morning I had that David Beckham in here. Did him a lovely snake crawling all the way up his left leg and disappearing up his... well I won't say where, customer confidentiality. I could do you one just like it if -"

"Absolutely not!"

"Fine, fine, fine. Just trying to take people's attention away from your attempt at emulating Kojak or Britney. Tell you what."

"(Sigh) What now?"

"How about an ever so eye-catching piercing. Cute little earring or stud? Or how about a nipple ring?"

"I am a bank manager, how many bank managers have you seen with a nipple ring?"

"Precisely. So isn't it about time one of them - you, for instance, loosened up a little?"

"Just... a trim."

"Your wish is my command, squire... tongue stud? You'd hardly know it was there. I could do you a little beauty in 22-carat gold at a knockdown price... since it's you."

"Just a f*****g trim!"

"A trim it is. Oh and (whispers) something for the weekend?"

"What? Oh those... no, no thank you."

"Very popular line, these sir. Ribbed finish, lubricated and they come in three flavours. There's anchovy and butterscotch, parsnip and liquorice, or my favourite - curry and spinach... hot stuff that."

"(Deep sigh) Just a trim."

"Well... you know, squire. But I do stock a cheaper line... no flavours and can be a bit itchy and thick. Personally I don't see the point of those things coming in different flavours. I mean, you don't get the benefit... she does. Oh unless you happen to be a bit of a wooftah of course. Hey, where are you going? I haven't finished yet."

"No, but I have, bye!"

"Ungracious bastard. I'd have finished him off... in a jiffy!"