A historical land expropriation exercise by the government brought the victim several tens of thousands of liri in compensation. This is all well and good, said I, as the government has no right to pounce on your land without paying through the nose (with overruns, variations and upward adjustments) for this arrogant grabbing.

I reflected on the idea and thought about doing some business with the government. Now I don't have much land the government can expropriate but, with a little thinking, I may look around me and convince the government that I have something to sell it for the satisfaction, usufruct and total possession of the public.

First of all, I have this massive atmosphere above my flat. I don't know to what level it's mine but it could total quite a big volume if my private air space runs into vertical kilometres. In which case I could get quite a handsome sum (plus overruns, variations and upward adjustments) and the government may build a skyscraper on my flat for housing purposes of frustrated fiancés. There would remain the hitch of an ugly skyline. But that's not a problem, Mepa can suggest how the skyscraper can be covered with shrubs, caterpillars, butterflies, ladybirds and moss - thus looking very natural.

And that's not all I have. In front of my flat I have a porch which I never use. So I am willing to encourage the government to expropriate it for a good compensation. My porch can serve for public purposes (but not hooligan students). The government may create a garden on it - with shrubs from Mepa. Between the shrubs there may be passages with sand from Ramla l-Hamra. People would have a lot of fun and healthy relaxation in this public nirvana. So what do you say, gov? What's your offer?

Transparent damage limitation?

A minister and an ex-minister had a tiff. One shrieked "How dare you!" in answer to the other's intention of checking something in the other's courtyard - which was his right. The self-righteousness of the other wouldn't tolerate such insufficient trust and thus huffed and puffed - without impressing the other's cool composure. The media enjoyed this pie battle and reported the various stages of this crisis of peevishness one stage at a time.

One journalist, however, had the brilliant idea of being efficient and superior to all the others. He decided to jump all the stages while guessing that the quarrel would end in reconciliation. Thus, while his colleagues were wasting their time narrating the various morsels and events, the brilliant journalist skipped all the gossip and declared that the minister and ex-minister were set to reconcile. This seemed to me like an independent exercise in damage limitation of the irritated exchange. Of course, this is only one possible opinion, suspicious of lack of objectivity. The other version is that some journalists are better than others. Until the contrary is proved, this is, of course, a subjective opinion.

Guinness and breastfeeding competitions

The society for the promotion of natural breastfeeding, in cooperation with the bottle-busters association, had an idea which deserved much praise. Ravenous babies would be breastfed for hours in front of cameras (parental guidance required) and a Maltese record would be set for mass breastfeeding leading to a mention in the Guinness Book Of Records. Calls for applications were made for breastfeeders and breastfed. The breastfed could not be older than 40 and there could not be more than one breastfed per mummy - even for the most popular mummies. The idea had the approval of one and all: The conservative government (as breastfeeding is as old as the hills), the opposition (as this activity respected the natural habitat), Gift of Life (which wants breastfeeding entrenched in the Constitution) and various others. Only Alternattiva was not allowed to interfere - as the alternative to breastfeeding is the artificial bottle.

The Guinness Book Of Records was not impressed by the poor participation. Maltese mummies are becoming too impatient while Maltese babies are hardly born before they become interested in another Guinness - the beer.

VAT and educational material

As the re-opening of schools approaches, parents remain confused about the government's declaration that the jolly fat VAT is not imposed on educational material. I believe that the Ministry of Education is being misunderstood. VAT on school uniforms, for example, is irrelevant as children can go to school in their pyjamas. VAT on school bags is not to be counted, as children can tie their books and copybooks with a rope and go to school. Or else use a plastic bag. Computers are downloaded with VAT. But students do not need them. To open their minds, they may go on the roof of their school and look at the wide horizon beyond Ta' Cenc. VAT taxes copybooks, maps, atlases, printed music, drawing books, examination papers etc. In short, VAT exists only on luxury and unnecessary educational material. I hope that the eternal bickering will now stop.

Applauders of immigration

After the Prime Minister declared that illegal immigration has now reached 50 per cent of the Maltese birth rate, some writers, whose thirst for unlimited immigration knows no bounds, applauded heavily and declared: We want more.

Those who have had more than enough of this blasted immigration, cannot understand why there are some Maltese who, abandoning all patriotic sentiment, watch these islands fill with clandestine immigrants and yell that they will not be happy before the Maltese become a minority in Malta - or even disappear altogether. And it is not an exaggeration to state that this possibility will take more concrete shapes if we vote for yet another Gonzi government - who is not as tough as most Maltese wish in its resistance to illegal immigration.

Meanwhile, the tiny minority of applauders of immigration take great pleasure out of seeing boatfuls of immigrants arrive on our shores. I absolutely cannot understand their joy at this unpleasant invasion which will soon be scaring away the real tourism that we need - and the masochistic applauders themselves.

My family, my friends

I agree with the conservative strategy group's criticism of those who believe that citizens' needs must be satisfied according to political allegiance. Indeed, what has been the rule these past several years must stop. Thus, government for core Nats - as has been the case for 20 years - has to end. I understand that victims registering complaints at the Ombudsman's office know something about this.

Thank you, God

I am not the type to choose my collaborators lightly. They are the best people I know. But then, when they have the ingratitude of disagreeing with me or dare speak to me without going on their knees and chanting "Thank you, my God", I make them resign. I don't mind the competent, but the arrogant make me sick.

Dr Licari teaches psycholinguistics, sociolinguistics and geolinguistics at the Department of French of the University of Malta.