Give them a gong

These days more and more people are winning awards, medals, what have you... for just about everything. You can get a gong for long-distance vomiting, or gurning (pulling faces) and even, believe it or not, for holding your breath (no kidding).

And I, Sylvanus, think why not? But there are still some sections of the community who manage to get left out. So, I am advocating a new series of awards just for those who never get anything.

Not many of the awards we're suggesting go to the good guys; in fact very few do. I suppose you could call these Malta's version of the razzies. The razzies are the awards handed out to the worst films to come out of Hollywood in any one year and are held just ahead of the Oscars.

So here goes with Malta's razzies for 2007:

The award for the most compulsively regurgitative local TV programme of the year goes to: What else but Tista' Tkun Int, which must have brought up more lunches than room service at the Port Tomasso Tower.

The Oh sh** I wish I hadn't said that award goes to: Jason Micallef (well, he was sort of 'resigned' to getting it).

The wishful thinker of the year award goes to: Josie Muscat (bless him) for the most hopelessly optimistic gesture imaginable.

The embarrassing plonker of the year award is shared by: those two charleys who got their kit off and allowed themselves to be painted gold for Malta's Eurovision Song Contest debacle.

The most incompetent waiter of the year silver ladle award goes to: Gianni Pace Pace, who set a new world record recently by spilling soup over 23 punters in the same evening.

The most invisible 'personality' in Malta in the past year award goes to: Fabrizio Faniello (I wonder why?).

The most thoroughly deserved cum-uppance award goes to: Norman Lowell on his appointment as Malta's resident ambassador to Somalia (I wish).

The traffic congestion gold medal goes to: The organisers of the ill-conceived farce that was last year's Notte Bianca.

The thoroughly decent bloke of the year award - for this year and last - goes to: Freddie Fenech (see, I said they weren't all plonkers).

The "not my fault" award for 2007 goes to: Philip Vella and Gerard James Borg for that risible ESC cock-up.

The political surpriser... sorry, survivor of the year award goes to: Who else? Alfred Sant.

The optimist of the century award goes to: Austin Gatt for predicting 15,000 jobs to be filled at Smart City.

The conscience-free exploiter of the year award goes to: Abu ben Latif of Benghazi, who hires out leaky tubs to desperate Somalis.

The Bertu Mizzi award for press freedom goes to: Saviour Balzan.

The egg-on-face award for this year (and probably a few more) goes to: The cerebrally challenged local warden who booked my car for illegal parking in Floriana, when at the time of the alleged offence, it was garaged in Attard.

Whistle-blower of the year award for 2007 goes to: Frank Portelli.

The most successful bookie of the year award goes to: Giuseppe Marmara Sant for fixing the record number of football matches in the shortest time ever.

The Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen rose bowl award for interior design - no expense spared - goes to: Richard Cachia Caruana.

The "patronise for the planet in the press" award this year goes to: It just had to be... Frank Salt.

The avian exterminating con-servationist of the year award... to: Lino Farrugia.

The Wenzu Mintoff wind-up award for 2007 goes to: Lou Bondì.

The Censu Galea award for covert surveillance goes to: Angelo Debono.