Relationships - Accurate communication
One big difference between successful and unsuccessful couples is the way partners in a relationship interpret the other's behaviour.
Would you say it's luck? Would you say it's destiny? Would you say it's hard work? The three of them may be correct in the making of a successful relationship. What is definite is that there are visible differences between relationships that succeed and relationships that fail. These differences have been researched over and over again for decades and some researchers claim to be able to predict which couples succeed and which fail from even an early stage in the relationship.
Efforts to understand the healthy dynamics of intimate relationships have focused on anything that has to do with the subject - some on communication patterns and others on specific aspects of communication, for example conflict, emotional expression and so on. Sophisticated research procedures have been used with some focusing even on the skin conductivity of the body of the partners in a happy and in an unhappy relationship.
One big difference between successful and unsuccessful couples is the way partners in a relationship interpret the other's behaviour and communication. This is referred to as accurate communication and has repeatedly been found to play a critical role in relationship success. Let's see what this means.
Imagine this couple in front of me, as we try to resolve the conflict. The woman is saying something about her husband. "He grumbles all the time, and he is jealous. When I'm out with friends, occasionally, he makes my life miserable by continuous calls on my mobile. Plus the messages he sends. I'm fed up and feel suffocated, he can't understand that I need my space. He doesn't like going out either. And even so I can't miss out on my outing with my childhood friends which we hold every now and again".
The man stays silent in reverie. His lower lip protruding in awe and amazement. Finally, I ask him what that means. "I cannot understand. It's a shock hearing her talking like this," he says. "I really miss her when she's out and I'm really not on her as she says she feels. I don't like going out but that's because I like staying in at home with her".
Each of the partners is trying to love the other in a way the other doesn't understand as love. She interprets her partner's behaviour as intrusion, jealousy and suffocation whereas what he is trying to say is "I miss you", "I love you" and "I need you by my side". On the other hand, he interprets her behaviour as "I prefer to be with my friends", and "I don't need you".
Frequent misconceptions of one's partner's behaviour influence the partners' feelings towards each other. It's like a snowball effect and once it gets rolling, it becomes bigger and bigger. It's as if the lenses of the spectacles of passion have been replaced with the lenses of hatred, competition and suffocation. All this in such a short time.
Misconceptions are the result of two other processes that go on between people. One is that people are often obsessed by the "truth" and the other is that people assume they are right and the other is wrong.
The truth doesn't really exist. What exist are interpretations of the truth. People interpret an event from their own perspective and that perspective is only their perspective. It is based on one's experience, one's life, one's gender, one's vision, desires, and dreams, and one's personality. Couples often fight about this, both believing their truth is the truth. People hear not what is said to them and see not what is shown to them. They have filters to select and sieve. In psychology it's called selective perceptions. Don't blame anyone for it, it's nature. Objective? There's no objectivity so long there are humans around.
Misconception can interfere quite a lot, especially when it comes to feelings and their expression. The expression of love, for example, is a constant means of stress and conflict in a couple's relationships. What is interpreted as love by one is interpreted differently by the other. I can't forget this couple. The woman was telling me how she feels about her husband. He was there listening. "He is stingy. He gives me the money, OK, but then when it comes to going on holiday, we never went on a holiday together. The children are growing now and it would be nice if we could go on a holiday together". The man wasn't perplexed. He had probably heard this several times before. "What's your version of this?" I remember asking. "I just can't see any reason why we should go on holiday spending around Lm2,000 in just a week. She's a spendthrift you know. I'd rather save the money so that when my daughter goes to study abroad I'd be able to help her".
Both spouses are expressing their love in a different way. Both are assuming that their way of loving is the true and only way to loving. Both are interpreting reality from their vantage point and through their lenses. Both are misconceiving the other's expression of love and interpreting it wrongly.
Happy relationships are those in which the partners try to understand before they come to misconceive. If they do misconceive, happy relationships consist of partners who remain open for clarifications. There are gender differences in this of course, which don't help at all. Women have been consistently found to be more accurate than men in perceiving their partner's emotions. Men on the other hand, are more likely to perceive their partner's emotional expression as hostile. This might all be cultural but certainly the differences are there.
Avoiding misconceptions is very important in the peace-keeping territory of marriage. It requires constant checking with one's partner about the messages partners think they receive and send to each other. Be genuine and avoid thinking that you know the truth so that you can be genuinely open to your partner's truth. Both truths have to be juxtaposed in an attempt towards forming a coherent truth acceptable to both partners in the relationship. It's like a dance really. When two dance together, they dance one dance and not two, but both contribute to the beautiful choreography.
• Dr Azzopardi is a sytemic family psychotherapist.
Efforts to understand the healthy dynamics of intimate relationships have focused on anything that has to do with the subject - some on communication patterns and others on specific aspects of communication, for example conflict, emotional expression and so on. Sophisticated research procedures have been used with some focusing even on the skin conductivity of the body of the partners in a happy and in an unhappy relationship.
One big difference between successful and unsuccessful couples is the way partners in a relationship interpret the other's behaviour and communication. This is referred to as accurate communication and has repeatedly been found to play a critical role in relationship success. Let's see what this means.
Imagine this couple in front of me, as we try to resolve the conflict. The woman is saying something about her husband. "He grumbles all the time, and he is jealous. When I'm out with friends, occasionally, he makes my life miserable by continuous calls on my mobile. Plus the messages he sends. I'm fed up and feel suffocated, he can't understand that I need my space. He doesn't like going out either. And even so I can't miss out on my outing with my childhood friends which we hold every now and again".
The man stays silent in reverie. His lower lip protruding in awe and amazement. Finally, I ask him what that means. "I cannot understand. It's a shock hearing her talking like this," he says. "I really miss her when she's out and I'm really not on her as she says she feels. I don't like going out but that's because I like staying in at home with her".
Each of the partners is trying to love the other in a way the other doesn't understand as love. She interprets her partner's behaviour as intrusion, jealousy and suffocation whereas what he is trying to say is "I miss you", "I love you" and "I need you by my side". On the other hand, he interprets her behaviour as "I prefer to be with my friends", and "I don't need you".
Frequent misconceptions of one's partner's behaviour influence the partners' feelings towards each other. It's like a snowball effect and once it gets rolling, it becomes bigger and bigger. It's as if the lenses of the spectacles of passion have been replaced with the lenses of hatred, competition and suffocation. All this in such a short time.
Misconceptions are the result of two other processes that go on between people. One is that people are often obsessed by the "truth" and the other is that people assume they are right and the other is wrong.
The truth doesn't really exist. What exist are interpretations of the truth. People interpret an event from their own perspective and that perspective is only their perspective. It is based on one's experience, one's life, one's gender, one's vision, desires, and dreams, and one's personality. Couples often fight about this, both believing their truth is the truth. People hear not what is said to them and see not what is shown to them. They have filters to select and sieve. In psychology it's called selective perceptions. Don't blame anyone for it, it's nature. Objective? There's no objectivity so long there are humans around.
Misconception can interfere quite a lot, especially when it comes to feelings and their expression. The expression of love, for example, is a constant means of stress and conflict in a couple's relationships. What is interpreted as love by one is interpreted differently by the other. I can't forget this couple. The woman was telling me how she feels about her husband. He was there listening. "He is stingy. He gives me the money, OK, but then when it comes to going on holiday, we never went on a holiday together. The children are growing now and it would be nice if we could go on a holiday together". The man wasn't perplexed. He had probably heard this several times before. "What's your version of this?" I remember asking. "I just can't see any reason why we should go on holiday spending around Lm2,000 in just a week. She's a spendthrift you know. I'd rather save the money so that when my daughter goes to study abroad I'd be able to help her".
Both spouses are expressing their love in a different way. Both are assuming that their way of loving is the true and only way to loving. Both are interpreting reality from their vantage point and through their lenses. Both are misconceiving the other's expression of love and interpreting it wrongly.
Happy relationships are those in which the partners try to understand before they come to misconceive. If they do misconceive, happy relationships consist of partners who remain open for clarifications. There are gender differences in this of course, which don't help at all. Women have been consistently found to be more accurate than men in perceiving their partner's emotions. Men on the other hand, are more likely to perceive their partner's emotional expression as hostile. This might all be cultural but certainly the differences are there.
Avoiding misconceptions is very important in the peace-keeping territory of marriage. It requires constant checking with one's partner about the messages partners think they receive and send to each other. Be genuine and avoid thinking that you know the truth so that you can be genuinely open to your partner's truth. Both truths have to be juxtaposed in an attempt towards forming a coherent truth acceptable to both partners in the relationship. It's like a dance really. When two dance together, they dance one dance and not two, but both contribute to the beautiful choreography.
• Dr Azzopardi is a sytemic family psychotherapist.