"Oh, Hello, Hi. May I ask you, Sir, do you read your Bible?"

"What? You'll have to speak up. I'm a bit hard of hearing these days."

"Do you... read your Bible?"

"Ey? Who's suing me for libel?"

"No Bible... your Bible. Do you read it?"

"Oh uh! Why, are you selling them?"

"Not really. We... that is my little daughter and I... would like to have a chat with you about the Good Book and - "

"Good book? Oh yes I like a good book. Have you read The Da Vinci Code?"

"Ahem... no I would never - "

"Oh you should, it's really good. My grandson gave it me for Christmas. I couldn't put it down. You should read it."

"May I read you a short tract from the gospel according to Saint -"

"Saints? Are you a Southampton supporter?"

"No, I -"

"Thank God for that."

"Oh we must thank Him for many things. I, for instance -"

"I support Portsmouth, Pompey me... never Southampton. See, I was in the navy, the British navy that is. Seventeen years boy and man. That's why I support Pompey... never bloody Southampton, yeugh!"

"If I can just read you a short -"

"No, you'll have to wait until I get my appliance. I have to use it to listen, you see. Can't hear a bloody thing these days. Well I am 83. Yes 83 and I know you're going to say I don't look it. And Doris, my wife's even older. Wait here... I'll fetch her. She supports Pompey too. Doris! Come out here. There's a couple of Pompey supporters at the front door."

"Ah your wife is Doris?"

"No it's Doris... Wallace is a man's name. And she's not a man... Oh no, there's none of that sort of thing going on here. Doris! Where are you? She don't move so fast these days... unless she's falling downstairs, then she goes like the clappers, or she did the last time she fell down them. Silly cow."

"I'm sure she'll be interested in my news."

"Booze? Oh no, she don't drink. Except maybe a glass of wine at Christmas, sometimes. No she wasn't drunk when she fell down the stairs. I'm sure of that. Oh here she comes. I was telling this lady, this Pompey supporter that you fell downstairs."

"Eh?"

"Twice, twice she fell down 'em... clumsy old boot. Didn't you?"

"Eh?"

"Doris come and meet these two Pompey supporters, who have called here."

"Eh?"

"She may look a bit past it, but she understands everything. Well not everything... but she does sometimes pick up the general idea."

"I'm delighted to meet you, Mrs -"

"Apap her name is... same as me."

"So nice to meet you, Mrs Apap. Alright then... now that you are both here, I have some wonderful tidings."

"Oh no, she's a bit too old to go riding. Mind you, I don't think she ever has been riding a bike or a horse or... have you?"

"Eh?"

"Dear friends, I bring you glad tidings of salvation."

"Oh we've had that for years."

"Excuse me?"

"Sanitation. We've had it ever since they put the sewers in after the war."

"Erm... I could let you know my good news far better if we could come in. For just a few minutes."

"In? In here? Ooh no, I couldn't do that. It's Doris, you see... she's terrified of getting raped by strangers."

"Oh for goodness' sake... ahem. Do we look like, er, rapists?"

"How the hell do I know? There's some very funny people about, isn't that so, Doris?"

"Eh?"

"Well maybe if you could just let my little girl come in. She would rather like to, erm... use your WC."

"Ain't got one."

"You... don't have a WC!?"

"Naar, we pee in the sink."

"In the sink?"

"A drink? Oh that's nice of you... there's a bar just down the road. Hang on I'll get my coat. Oh s**t, where've they gone?"

"Eh? You know who they were, don't you... They were from the bloody Jehovah's."

"Tell me something I don't know. I told you we oughta get one of them yellow stickers."