Question: What is just about the worst "cultural" idea this government - or its acolytes - have had to date?

Hands up all those who say Notte Bianca.

Gosh... it looks like a Nuremberg rally out there. OK, agreed. It wasn't the best thought-through notion to come out from that particular think tank and... guess what?

Yep, got it first time, they really are threatening to do it all again this October.

Only this time, in order to make it even more chaotic and hellish (if that's possible) I am going to make a few suggestions to the "organisers". I'm making them nice and early, so they will have plenty of time to implement all my suggestions in time for the big night.

I mean come on, it couldn't be a bigger disaster than the first stab at Notte Bianca, could it? Well, although at first glance it may seem unlikely, yes it could. After experiencing at first hand the shambolic mess that constituted the last effort (the words p**s-up and brewery come to mind) - I think that with a bit more thought and planning we could make it even more chaotic this time!

Why go for half-hearted traffic chaos methods, when we could go one better than last year and close, not just the car parks in Valletta, but also all car parks within a five-mile radius of the city? Then ban all parking absolutely anywhere within the same radius. That should really cause some much more effective chaos.

And talking of traffic chaos, come on chaps, we could do much better than last year: this time around, assuming the authorities don't go for my five-mile radius exclusion zone, why not prevent any vehicles from leaving Valletta and its environs until - at a given signal from the police officer in charge - they are all released at exactly the same time, and only along routes designated by the police?

Can you imagine what wonderful pandemonium that would cause? Tales abound of motorists taking up to three hours to negotiate quite short journeys home last year. If my method of traffic mismanagement is adopted it could take them up to three days!

Another suggestion would be to give cash prizes or white goods to the 300,000th person to enter Valletta on the night in question. Oh yes, of course you get them all in. Just employ a few members of the Malta rugby team to shove them through City Gate with their boots, like Japanese commuters on the Tokyo underground in the rush hour.

Oh, and another effective way of causing major disorder in the capital city on Notte Bianca would be to fence every "attraction" off - as happened last time on the Main Guard, as just one example - and prevent access to anyone not prepared to cough-up an extra fiver to get in... even though the area is already bursting at the seams with humanity.

Oh yes and as an added piquant touch, you should then guard each "attraction" with the stroppiest, most pig-ignorant members of the police force at your disposal. Yes, I know they did that last time, but this time I'm sure we can improve - or should that be aggravate - the situation.

And I'm sure the Valletta council can do much more to ensure that even greater disarray attends this year's Notte B. Someone from the council should take it upon him or herself to visit every restaurant in the city to make sure that each and every one of them is booked full to bursting and any that aren't by 7.30 p.m. on the night in question should be forcibly closed for the night, to make doubly sure that anyone stupid enough not to book a table two months in advance is well and truly stuffed!

So come on, organising committee... here are just a few suggestions to ensure that Notte Bianca 2007 is an even bigger cock-up than the inaugural event last year.

And will I be there, to join in the fun and games? Not a chance mate... once bitten!