A whiter shade of play

Salmon Fishing in the Yemn is a peculiar enough title for a book; and this debut novel by Paul Tordy more than lives up to its promise. I am hereby suggesting it as the vade mecum for One and Net, for a rather more streamlined compilation of their news bulletins; they already construct them according to the politics outlined in this book, anyway.

In a methodical compilation of letters, media clippings, diary entries, e-mails, interviews, and transcriptions of Question Time at the House of Commons, the story moves back and forth from Whitehall to the Highlands of Scotland to the wadis of Hadramaut in Yemen.

The stunt in the title would be financed by a Yemeni sheikh, who sees it as a quasi-divine calling. It envisages 'angling tourism' and 'co-operation [between Governments]' (read public relations). But of course this mission was bound to fail - and not because of the logistics involved.

I am sure that getting newscasters to read excerpts from this political and social pastiche would be better than the current enumeration of each faux pas and associated tittle-tattle we get every day. At the very least, the news bulletins would actually match, and not give the usual impression that either station is reporting upon happenings in different universes.

"You want fame - well, fame is costly. And right here's where you start paying - with sweat!"

Of course, anyone who was a child in the Sixties will recall Debbie Allen, as dance teacher Lydia Grant in Fame, exhorting her students to do their best and then some; and for her role she collected two Emmys.

Truth to tell, she would have had an easier life in Malta. Here, I am not talking about the clutch of children that crops up each year, who are all talented enough to write their own compositions for the Junior Eurovision Song Contest; for this is a matter of dance.

I refer specifically to the talent that abounds in Malta, where liberalisation has multiplied the amount of airtime that must somehow be filled.

The other day, I was watching William's Dancers on One Television; and since the programme is called Bikini, they felt in duty bound to wear that as dancing gear. There was a totally slapdash attitude to health and safety measures; bare feet in the sand, exertion in the near-palpable heat, and more.

Not to be outdone, Net is featuring a programme in which the younger version of these dancers, going by the name of Mystic Dancers, go through their steps, more or less simultaneously. But I wonder what is 'mystic' about costumes consisting of asymmetrical tops and flimsy white skirts that allow us to see the black shorts beneath them, and several pounds of puppy fat.

Adults don't need anyone's permission before engaging in dance routines in public; but I question the wisdom of parents who allow the children whom they are supposed to be nurturing to achieve their fifteen minutes of fame in this precocious manner.

And the bad news by the British National Consumer Council is that child television addicts are materialistic, disruptive, disrespectful, and unhappy.

In the report entitled Watching, Wanting and Wellbeing: Exploring the Links, it is stated that they are also more prone to arguing with figures of authority, and have a lower opinion of their parents. Low self-esteem and an erosion of childhood are also mentioned in the report.

Moreover, children who spend hours in front of a monitor do not usually spend the time watching programmes aimed at them; they are more likely to watch stations aimed at an older viewership, or commercial television, with all the aggressive advertising this relays.

Ironically, the study points out that children from deprived backgrounds are more likely to watch commercial television, including during mealtimes, and therefore, more advertising. A vox pop taken among these children elicited the general overview that "when you grow up, the more money you have, the happier you are". Conversely, just 23 per cent of the children from well-to-do families believed this.

Perhaps inevitably, this has once more elicited talk about possible Government action to extend controls on advertising, perhaps instituting a ban through to the 9 p.m. watershed.

From my e-mailbox this week: I read your TV article but I must admit I do not envy you. You must have to watch Maltese TV stations quite a lot. I find them very amateurish. Just can't stick them out. Mind you, even Italian stations make me sick these days. Too many reality shows. But at least I can view good films, especially detective ones.

Maltese cannot act and I feel our directors have not yet discovered the art of TV direction. For example, to go from one place to another, do you need to show us how they talked about it, closed the door, opened the car doors, drove and arrived at the place of destination and then knock on the door?! Pauses are indeed few and usually not used well. Actors still think of teatrin. But they say the majority love them. Oh well, to each his own. That is why we have more than one television set in the house.

The rumour-mill ground true, after all. After an internal investigation, the BBC has admitted that series of competitions on six flagship charity programmes as well as children's programmes had been rigged, in a deliberate attempt to hoodwink viewers into donating more through phone-ins.

On some occasions, the winners were chosen long before the lines closed; on other occasions, staff posed as callers and 'won'.

Just for the record, Captain Kirk never said "Beam me up, Scotty"; all he ever said was "Beam me up, Mr Scott".