Children's problems are apparently increasing. It can be because professionals are more competent at detecting them. Or because they are truly increasing due to the many changing social factors. It may also be because we are expecting different things from our children than was usually expected 20, 30, or 50 years ago.
Many are the conditions that have become popular and many children have been diagnosed with one or the other. Some terms like ADHD and dyslexia have become extremely popular, to the point of being abused. It's not infrequent that I have parents trying to convince me that their son is ADHD only because the little one is normally active in some specific circumstances. One big danger is that both culturally and professionally, society is inclined to attribute problems to individuals. It seems like it needs a scapegoat.
The individual approach can be effective if one is suffering from physical ailment. Even so the contextual factors still make a lot of sense. While it is good to focus on the patient's cancer it is also important to consider the environment including the diet, lifestyle, work, home and so on. The individual approach is therefore incomplete and at times even obstructive when it comes to children's problems.
The most ridiculous effort was the suggestion made recently by a prominent politican and administrator in the UK to set up anger management programmes within schools for children manifesting behavioural problems. Her argument was that they need to be treated to become civil and well behaved. The suggestion found support from other administrators, of course, whose main interest is to spend less money. Its implementation has still not succeeded yet, of course, as one of its main pitfalls is that it misses on the contexts within which the so-called "angry" children live.
Answers to children's problems are often found in the context rather than in the child himself or herself. Let's say a child is behaving badly at school. If one doesn't take into consideration the family context, for example, one may easily miss on important contributing factors. Let's say that one of the parents has changed jobs, or the parents are having some trouble in their marital relationship, or a sibling is sick or bullying the child, or a sister or a parent is sick or in hospital - all these trigger behavioural changes in the child. One group of teachers I recently interviewed told me how they can spot children whose parents are having problems at home. Their behaviour changes and their sensitivity to the slightest signs of conflict is heightened.
The greatest contribution to behavioural problems in children is parental disagreement. This means that the parents harbour different values about parenting. The disagreement definitely leaks into their relationship with the child. Contradicting each other's effort at parenting in front of the child is very common. For example one parent says "put everything back in its place" to the child and the other contradicts him by saying "leave it, I'll do it" or silently knees down to help the child do it. There are more subtle expressions of contradiction than these.
The reasons why these contribute to behaviour problems can vary. One hypothesis is that the child gets confused about loyalty. Children love both their parents and parental disagreement gets them in situations where in order to obey one, they have to disobey the other. To avoid this, a child does it his way.
Another general hypothesis is that children create problems to deviate the parent's attention from each other thus dissipating the disagreement. This is often very true in situations where disagreements are highly visible to the child and not so visible to the outside world.
Parenting is one important feature in childhood problems. It is often the case that parents bring children to the clinic saying something like "he is the problem". A couple of sessions with the parents alone result in significant changes in the child's behaviour. It's amazing! It is not, really, when you think of undesired behaviour as the fruit of relationships rather than individuals. Most of the problems children reportedly have are actually the problems of the adults surrounding them. Mishandling of common problems by parents is one of the largest culprits. One parent consulted me because her three-year-old son was saying rude words. She told me how concerned she was because she was already imagining her son in prison in 15 or 20 years' time. The mother was definitely anxious and this anxiety was pushing her to worry too much on such an insignificant problem. She was smacking the child who in return was saying more rude words.
A couple consulted me about their teen who had shared with the parents her desire to stop school and skip O levels. Rather than listen silently and discuss the matter with their daughter, the parents panicked and started threatening her. She obviously rebelled and did it her way. The threatening cycle escalated to the point that the girl eventually started doing all the things her parents were telling not to do.
Many problems in children are related to the fears the parents have about them. One mother, whose brother died of a heroin overdose, was very anxious about her teenage son. She constantly bombarded him with prohibitions about going out, drugs, stealing and so on. It eventually ended up in a self-fulfilling prophecy with the young boy getting into trouble with drugs.
All these parents needed help in changing their parenting styles and "tactics". Parental behaviour often makes or breaks the parent-child relationship. Other contexts, like for example the school, are also worth taking into consideration. If a child is unhappy at school, such unhappiness may leak into other areas of the child's life. In fact it is often the case that the child's problem manifests itself in a different context from where the problem is originating. For example children's behaviour problems at school may be a result of a stressful home environment.
Children often use problems as a metaphor for concerns they have. Bedwetting may be representing a concern about the parents' sinking relationship. I had this 10-year-old child who was hyperventilating. On meeting her parents I found myself feeling breathless as well. Their anxiety about everything she did was suffocating her.
The point is that while children's problems are increasing, they are more a reaction to other changing and increasing problems within the systems they inhabit. Tackling the child on one's own is often only symptom relief. The real problems are found in the systems and they need to be tackled if problems are to be resolved. While today I focused mainly on the family as a primary context, it is also true that children's problems may be a reaction to other contexts too including the school, friends, associations they frequent and groups they hang out with.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family therapist.
Many are the conditions that have become popular and many children have been diagnosed with one or the other. Some terms like ADHD and dyslexia have become extremely popular, to the point of being abused. It's not infrequent that I have parents trying to convince me that their son is ADHD only because the little one is normally active in some specific circumstances. One big danger is that both culturally and professionally, society is inclined to attribute problems to individuals. It seems like it needs a scapegoat.
The individual approach can be effective if one is suffering from physical ailment. Even so the contextual factors still make a lot of sense. While it is good to focus on the patient's cancer it is also important to consider the environment including the diet, lifestyle, work, home and so on. The individual approach is therefore incomplete and at times even obstructive when it comes to children's problems.
The most ridiculous effort was the suggestion made recently by a prominent politican and administrator in the UK to set up anger management programmes within schools for children manifesting behavioural problems. Her argument was that they need to be treated to become civil and well behaved. The suggestion found support from other administrators, of course, whose main interest is to spend less money. Its implementation has still not succeeded yet, of course, as one of its main pitfalls is that it misses on the contexts within which the so-called "angry" children live.
Answers to children's problems are often found in the context rather than in the child himself or herself. Let's say a child is behaving badly at school. If one doesn't take into consideration the family context, for example, one may easily miss on important contributing factors. Let's say that one of the parents has changed jobs, or the parents are having some trouble in their marital relationship, or a sibling is sick or bullying the child, or a sister or a parent is sick or in hospital - all these trigger behavioural changes in the child. One group of teachers I recently interviewed told me how they can spot children whose parents are having problems at home. Their behaviour changes and their sensitivity to the slightest signs of conflict is heightened.
The greatest contribution to behavioural problems in children is parental disagreement. This means that the parents harbour different values about parenting. The disagreement definitely leaks into their relationship with the child. Contradicting each other's effort at parenting in front of the child is very common. For example one parent says "put everything back in its place" to the child and the other contradicts him by saying "leave it, I'll do it" or silently knees down to help the child do it. There are more subtle expressions of contradiction than these.
The reasons why these contribute to behaviour problems can vary. One hypothesis is that the child gets confused about loyalty. Children love both their parents and parental disagreement gets them in situations where in order to obey one, they have to disobey the other. To avoid this, a child does it his way.
Another general hypothesis is that children create problems to deviate the parent's attention from each other thus dissipating the disagreement. This is often very true in situations where disagreements are highly visible to the child and not so visible to the outside world.
Parenting is one important feature in childhood problems. It is often the case that parents bring children to the clinic saying something like "he is the problem". A couple of sessions with the parents alone result in significant changes in the child's behaviour. It's amazing! It is not, really, when you think of undesired behaviour as the fruit of relationships rather than individuals. Most of the problems children reportedly have are actually the problems of the adults surrounding them. Mishandling of common problems by parents is one of the largest culprits. One parent consulted me because her three-year-old son was saying rude words. She told me how concerned she was because she was already imagining her son in prison in 15 or 20 years' time. The mother was definitely anxious and this anxiety was pushing her to worry too much on such an insignificant problem. She was smacking the child who in return was saying more rude words.
A couple consulted me about their teen who had shared with the parents her desire to stop school and skip O levels. Rather than listen silently and discuss the matter with their daughter, the parents panicked and started threatening her. She obviously rebelled and did it her way. The threatening cycle escalated to the point that the girl eventually started doing all the things her parents were telling not to do.
Many problems in children are related to the fears the parents have about them. One mother, whose brother died of a heroin overdose, was very anxious about her teenage son. She constantly bombarded him with prohibitions about going out, drugs, stealing and so on. It eventually ended up in a self-fulfilling prophecy with the young boy getting into trouble with drugs.
All these parents needed help in changing their parenting styles and "tactics". Parental behaviour often makes or breaks the parent-child relationship. Other contexts, like for example the school, are also worth taking into consideration. If a child is unhappy at school, such unhappiness may leak into other areas of the child's life. In fact it is often the case that the child's problem manifests itself in a different context from where the problem is originating. For example children's behaviour problems at school may be a result of a stressful home environment.
Children often use problems as a metaphor for concerns they have. Bedwetting may be representing a concern about the parents' sinking relationship. I had this 10-year-old child who was hyperventilating. On meeting her parents I found myself feeling breathless as well. Their anxiety about everything she did was suffocating her.
The point is that while children's problems are increasing, they are more a reaction to other changing and increasing problems within the systems they inhabit. Tackling the child on one's own is often only symptom relief. The real problems are found in the systems and they need to be tackled if problems are to be resolved. While today I focused mainly on the family as a primary context, it is also true that children's problems may be a reaction to other contexts too including the school, friends, associations they frequent and groups they hang out with.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family therapist.