A sporting chance

Hands up all those who are sick and tired of seeing Malta battered and humiliated in practically every sporting competition we ever enter? It's become some sort of ritual of self-abuse to chortle almost gleefully every time we lose at football, tennis or volleyball... whatever.

But hey! Come on, we're talking about a population the size of a mediumish-sized European city here... and who ever heard of Dresden, Lille or Brighton entering a team in the European Nations Cup?

But there is no need to be totally defeatist; there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We can aspire to be world champions... oh yes and I, Sylvanus, am here to show you how.

Strange as it may seem, we do possess world-beating sporting skills, it's just that nobody has yet decided to fit these into games that would give us a sniff of sporting world domination.

Take shooting for a notable example: we have oodles of reasonable shooters in Malta and Gozo, but most competitive shooting sports use inert targets or clays. That's no b****y use to us! No wonder we never do very well.

So I'm suggesting another shooting discipline: I'm calling it: Songbird, rare birds of prey and protected avian species shooting. Can you see any of our dedicated hunters and "conservationists" missing any of those? No, neither can I... So let's organise a world championship... it would be gold medals all round for Malta!

Another game I've invented in which we would become undisputed world-beaters I've called Can Do. Let me explain: you know when some jumped-up jobsworth official tells you "There's this tax to pay... that duty to cough up for... some other (probably EU) payment that cannot be avoided."

Well, to cut a long story short, we Maltese are absolutely brilliant at circumventing the rules... only the Italians come close and even then they'll always be second best to us. So Can Do sets the 'athletes' involved a series of sporting obstacles, around, over or under which they must not go... or they break the rules and forfeit the game.

See how long it takes for the Maltese competitors to find a way around these 'rules'... we'd take gold, silver and bronze in that one... guaranteed! And how's this for originality? This game I've invented will ensure us a world rating... every time! I've called it: Last is First. Put simply, all it means is that whoever comes in last... wins. Oh yes - we've got this one sewn up before we even start.

In another context, if we'd used the last is first principle in last year's Eurovision Song Contest, Fabrizio Thing would have triumphed as the winner instead of straggling in sad and last. Just put my idea to the test in everything we've competed for in the past... I reckon that at the Olympics we'd have eclipsed the US, Russia, China and even all those chemically enhanced Krauts.

Ah, but finally let's look at the one sport that really matters to us. Yes, of course I mean footie. OK so we managed to stuff the Hungarians recently, but we can't dine out on that for ever more.

I have come up with a very minor amendment to the rules. What I'm recommending is this: we give points for the team that comes up with the most creative way to throw a match. Like it? I thought you would and in the subtle art of match fixing we are past masters.

Come to think of it, we could even enter our bookies in this one. Just think... double winners every time, the team and the bookies!

Now all I've got to do is to take my scheme to the IOC, UEFA and FIFA. Then, once I've made them see sense, we can all sit back and watch Malta take on and beat the best in the world... every time!