Relationships - Cry baby, cry
How important it is to grieve, even for children and teens
At some time in every person's lifetime, he or she will experience the grief of loss. People of all ages can feel the complex mix of emotions of grief. Sadness, anger, frustration, fear, guilt, anxiety, a sense of injustice, remorse, despair, relief, longing, rage, apprehension and so many others make up the feelings of grief. Even babies show that they feel the emotions of the adults around them.
A child's understanding of death varies according to the child's age. While each child is unique, there are some rough guidelines to keep in mind about what children can make of death.
Until kids are about six years old, their idea of the world is very literal and plain. So it's a good idea to explain the death in terms that are basic and concrete. If the person was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. If the person dies suddenly, like in an accident, you might explain what happened - that because of this very sad event, the person's body stopped working. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stops working.
It is usual for young children to find it hard to understand that all people and living things eventually die, and that once a person dies, it's final and that person isn't coming back. So even after you've gone through this explanation, your child will eventually ask again, perhaps repeatedly too. As frustrating as this may be for adults, it is important that you continue to calmly reiterate, in concrete terms, that the person has died and can't come back, and that the child won't be seeing him or her again.
Avoid using euphemisms and metaphors, like telling your child that the person who died just "went away" or "went to sleep" or even that your family "lost" the person. Remember that children think literally and they take such phrases literally sometimes with negative consequences, like anxiety when some one dear to the child goes away or sleeps.
We adults often inflate our children's ability to think and the child's questions may sound much deeper than they actually are. For example, a five-year-old who asks where a person who died is now, isn't really asking whether there's an afterlife. Rather, the child might be satisfied hearing that the person who died is now in the cemetery. This may also be a time to share your beliefs about an afterlife or heaven and God. But don't expect too much understanding at this stage.
From about six onwards, children gradually start to grasp the finality of death, although they might not understand that it will happen to every living organism. A nine-year-old may still think that if he just behaves he won't die or grandma won't die. Often, children between six and 10 personify death and think of it as the "hajbu", "babaw", a ghost or a skeleton. They deal best with death when given accurate, simple, clear and honest explanations for what happened.
The understanding that every human being eventually dies comes as kids mature into teens. Things may start to get deeper as the teen's understanding on death evolves, and questions may naturally come up about his or her own mortality and vulnerability. For example, if your 16-year-old's friend dies in a car accident, your teen might be reluctant to get behind the wheel or even ride in a car for a while. The best way to respond is to empathise about how frightening and sad this accident was. It may also be a good time to remind your teen about ways to stay safe and healthy, like never getting in a car with a driver who has been drinking and always wearing a seatbelt. Other teens might get initially angry at and doubtful about God. Don't worry too much about this and persist in your support. Doubt is a way of searching for meaning in the death of someone close to them. Teens might also experience some guilt, particularly if one of their peers died. Whatever your teen is experiencing, the best thing you can do is to encourage the expression and sharing of grief.
The biggest mistake one can do with children is to support non expression of grief. It is becoming increasingly common for adults to avoid grief. It is fashionable for people not to attend their spouse's funeral and to take medication, for example. This is transmitting to children that grief is bad, and that crying is undesirable, and that pain is to be avoided. It's all so wrong.
Don't worry about letting your child witness your own grief, pain, and tears over a death. This only shows your child that crying is a natural reaction to emotional pain and loss. And it may facilitate your child to feel more comfortable sharing his or her feelings. That said, it's also important to convey that no matter how sad you may feel, you'll still be able to care for your child and make him or her feel safe.
Of course there's nothing wrong in taking children to funerals. It's completely appropriate to let your child take part in any mourning ritual - if your child wants to. First explain what happens at a funeral or memorial and give your child the choice to go or not. You may want to explain that the body of the person who died is going to be in a large box called a casket. The person won't be able to talk or see or hear anything, even though the spirit will remain forever with the Lord. There will likely be someone who talks about the person who died. The other people who go to the funeral may be sad and some may be crying. This can also be a good time to share any spiritual beliefs you have about death.
If you think your own grief might prevent you from helping your child at this difficult time, ask a friend or family member to care for and focus on your child during the service. Choose someone you both like and trust, who won't mind leaving the funeral if your child wants to go.
As kids learn how to deal with death, they need space, understanding and patience to grieve in their own way. They may show grief differently from adults. They might not cry or might react to the news by acting out or becoming very hyperactive. A teen might act annoyed and might feel more comfortable confiding in peers. Whatever your child's reaction, don't take it personally and be offended. Remember that learning how to deal with grief is a process. Nevertheless, watch out for any signs of radical changes. For example, if a gregarious and easygoing child becomes angry, withdrawn, or extremely anxious; or goes from having straight As to Ds in school, you may want to think about reaching out for help.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
A child's understanding of death varies according to the child's age. While each child is unique, there are some rough guidelines to keep in mind about what children can make of death.
Until kids are about six years old, their idea of the world is very literal and plain. So it's a good idea to explain the death in terms that are basic and concrete. If the person was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. If the person dies suddenly, like in an accident, you might explain what happened - that because of this very sad event, the person's body stopped working. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stops working.
It is usual for young children to find it hard to understand that all people and living things eventually die, and that once a person dies, it's final and that person isn't coming back. So even after you've gone through this explanation, your child will eventually ask again, perhaps repeatedly too. As frustrating as this may be for adults, it is important that you continue to calmly reiterate, in concrete terms, that the person has died and can't come back, and that the child won't be seeing him or her again.
Avoid using euphemisms and metaphors, like telling your child that the person who died just "went away" or "went to sleep" or even that your family "lost" the person. Remember that children think literally and they take such phrases literally sometimes with negative consequences, like anxiety when some one dear to the child goes away or sleeps.
We adults often inflate our children's ability to think and the child's questions may sound much deeper than they actually are. For example, a five-year-old who asks where a person who died is now, isn't really asking whether there's an afterlife. Rather, the child might be satisfied hearing that the person who died is now in the cemetery. This may also be a time to share your beliefs about an afterlife or heaven and God. But don't expect too much understanding at this stage.
From about six onwards, children gradually start to grasp the finality of death, although they might not understand that it will happen to every living organism. A nine-year-old may still think that if he just behaves he won't die or grandma won't die. Often, children between six and 10 personify death and think of it as the "hajbu", "babaw", a ghost or a skeleton. They deal best with death when given accurate, simple, clear and honest explanations for what happened.
The understanding that every human being eventually dies comes as kids mature into teens. Things may start to get deeper as the teen's understanding on death evolves, and questions may naturally come up about his or her own mortality and vulnerability. For example, if your 16-year-old's friend dies in a car accident, your teen might be reluctant to get behind the wheel or even ride in a car for a while. The best way to respond is to empathise about how frightening and sad this accident was. It may also be a good time to remind your teen about ways to stay safe and healthy, like never getting in a car with a driver who has been drinking and always wearing a seatbelt. Other teens might get initially angry at and doubtful about God. Don't worry too much about this and persist in your support. Doubt is a way of searching for meaning in the death of someone close to them. Teens might also experience some guilt, particularly if one of their peers died. Whatever your teen is experiencing, the best thing you can do is to encourage the expression and sharing of grief.
The biggest mistake one can do with children is to support non expression of grief. It is becoming increasingly common for adults to avoid grief. It is fashionable for people not to attend their spouse's funeral and to take medication, for example. This is transmitting to children that grief is bad, and that crying is undesirable, and that pain is to be avoided. It's all so wrong.
Don't worry about letting your child witness your own grief, pain, and tears over a death. This only shows your child that crying is a natural reaction to emotional pain and loss. And it may facilitate your child to feel more comfortable sharing his or her feelings. That said, it's also important to convey that no matter how sad you may feel, you'll still be able to care for your child and make him or her feel safe.
Of course there's nothing wrong in taking children to funerals. It's completely appropriate to let your child take part in any mourning ritual - if your child wants to. First explain what happens at a funeral or memorial and give your child the choice to go or not. You may want to explain that the body of the person who died is going to be in a large box called a casket. The person won't be able to talk or see or hear anything, even though the spirit will remain forever with the Lord. There will likely be someone who talks about the person who died. The other people who go to the funeral may be sad and some may be crying. This can also be a good time to share any spiritual beliefs you have about death.
If you think your own grief might prevent you from helping your child at this difficult time, ask a friend or family member to care for and focus on your child during the service. Choose someone you both like and trust, who won't mind leaving the funeral if your child wants to go.
As kids learn how to deal with death, they need space, understanding and patience to grieve in their own way. They may show grief differently from adults. They might not cry or might react to the news by acting out or becoming very hyperactive. A teen might act annoyed and might feel more comfortable confiding in peers. Whatever your child's reaction, don't take it personally and be offended. Remember that learning how to deal with grief is a process. Nevertheless, watch out for any signs of radical changes. For example, if a gregarious and easygoing child becomes angry, withdrawn, or extremely anxious; or goes from having straight As to Ds in school, you may want to think about reaching out for help.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.