Confessions of a Minister, Volume three, Revelations 51

Sunday
My eldest sprog shows up for lunch with his opinionated wife and my grandson. Over the rohs fil-forn he asks me if I intend standing again in the upcoming election. Of course, I b****y do! After the recent boundaries revision I am an absolute shoe-in.

He whines: "Pity, I'd have thought at your age you'd be only too pleased to do the decent thing and stand aside for me to succeed you." You - cannot - be - serious! He was a loser last time... big time. And what does he mean at my age? I am in my prime... just ask V... whoops!

Monday
With the House in recess and most of my parliamentary colleagues either on vacation or making the most of government freebies, I have more time to tend to the needs of my constituents. And, although nowadays I'm far too important to do house calls, Lawrence persuades me to boost our vote by doing a few selected visits to hand-picked constituents... for the TV cameras.

So I make a stage-managed call on the Coleiro sisters, two octogenarian spinsters and long time admirers of yours truly. Trouble is - they are both so sick and senile, there's no guarantee that even if Lawrence calls an election next month, they'd still be around to vote for me!

Tuesday
Despite the fact that most people, apart from me, are away, I still have to tend to EU duties. Today I have a meeting with the EU's rep in Malta in her office. She is an attractive 40-something broad who, I'm certain, finds me totally irresistible.

However, when I get her on her sofa and pounce, the ungrateful cow fights me off yelling: "Get away from me, you dirty old man!" Dirty? Never! I am most fastidious madame... and, as for old... I am in the prime of life. Ah well, it's her loss. Anyway I prefer them younger, prettier and hornier.

Later to V's: Where there is certainly no problem in the last mentioned department.

Wednesday
To Girgenti for a war council with the inner sanctum of the party... or at least the ones who are still here.

The general sec has called the meeting to discuss our strategy after the election. One insubordinate colleague mutters: "My strategy will probably be to look for a b****y job."

And he has a point. In fact this reminds me to call in on my old law practice, just to make sure some eager parvenu b*****d hasn't taken my place permanently. I may just need to keep that option open.

Thursday
When I drop into my ministry this morning I am gobsmacked to see the opposition spokesman for rubbishing all the government stands for on Europe, sitting behind my desk in my office!

He looks suitably embarrassed and says: "Er sorry old man... just trying it out. I want to get used to it, since this will be my office after the election."

Ha! You wish! You have to win the b****y election first!

Why is he laughing? Does he know something I don't?

Friday
Fly to Heathrow - then on to Miami, on a "fact-finding" freebie. Sadly... I'm obliged to drag wifey along, since she says she's earned a break.

Excellent flight in first class from London on the BA jumbo. Naturally wifey travels tourist. Well hell - if I have to pay for her, she's lucky she's not in the hold with the baggage.

Saturday
Settle into the presidential suite at the Miami Hyatt Hotel. I was initially given just a room, but a few strategic tips and a lot of indignant screaming eventually secure me this most agreeable suite. Wifey can have the room.

Tomorrow I'll set off on the first of my fact-finding sorties, which will be to... run the rule over the nearest poolside bar. Oh yes, I could take a lot of this... and it's all free!