Herd in the hide

The Ghalbikistan People's Democratic Republic recently celebrated their national day - Genocide Friday (when 400,000 ethnic Sabics were unavoidably and fortuitously massacred) with a reception at the Ghalbikistan People's Democratic Republic's embassy in San Gwann.

Present were the guest of honour, the President of Malta, the prime minister, a varied assortment of high commissioners, ambassadors and honorary consuls, plus the usual mélange of hangers-on, freeloaders, drunks and gatecrashers.

The Ghalbiki ambassador, Mr Ferenc Disenteri (31st from the left above) told the assembled guests that he augured that the warm relationship between Malta and his country would continue to swell (sic). A toast to the alliance was drunk by all the guests in the national drink of Ghalbikistan, nedi - which is a distillate of donkey pee and ginseng (at least that's what it tastes like). After which the assembled guests were free to engage in meaningless small talk and regurgitation.

Latest issue of Slapper published

A brand new issue of Malta's most sophisticated magazine for women, Slapper, is now available at your favourite bookstand.

The cover photo is of Maltese super-model Tessie Flagge, who surmounted almost insurmountable odds, including being born Charlie Borg, to feature as cover girl on the March issue of Vogue.

Also in this issue: Evadne Pariah Parnis says: "Virginity is cool... how to hang on to yours and still have steamy sex." "I conquered cirrhosis..." A posthumous account of how Betty Maldini Minciotti took on and beat cirrhosis of the bum. Sadly, one day after getting the all clear, Betty was run down by a bus. Ker-splatt... tough!

Bank of San Gwann rewards employees for best suggestions

Mr Ronnie Sant Muscat, human resources director of BOS, recently handed out awards to staff members who have submitted the best suggestions to help increase bank profitability. First prize went to Brent Darmanin Crawler whose suggestion that the senior executives of the bank should receive a large pay rise was enthusiastically embraced by the... senior executives.

Unfortunately the winner was not present to receive his award of a cheap trophy and a pizza for two at Pizza Palace, Benghajsa. Since Mr Darmanin was fired last month for having his hand in the till.

Crewmen from USS Monica Lewinsky give helping hand

Thirty-two naval ratings and two officers from the destroyer USS Monica Lewinsky, which recently visited Malta, gave up almost 40 minutes' shore leave to roll up their sleeves and lend a voluntary helping hand to Din l-Art Kerha to clear away a number of illicit shooters' hides in Bugibba. In the ensuing gun battle the latest score we have is: US Navy 16... Malta hunters nil.

White wedding in San Gwann

The wedding took place at San Gwann cathedral recently of Kevin, son of Chevalier and Mrs Grech Loaded of San Gwann, and Nigel, son of Mr and Mrs Walter Apap Briguglio of San Gwann.

The bride, looking radiant in a full length dress in rubber-glove pink Alaskan silk, was given away by his father; the best "man" was Lorne Pistachio Zarb and the bridesmaids, looking ever-so-lovely in scratched mosquito bite cerise mini-length dresses, were Ms George Bonnici Abdilla and Ms Martin Devonald Said.

The reception was held in the sumptuous surroundings of Palazzo dei Fagotti, after which the happy couple left for a three-week honeymoon in (appropriately) Bangkok.

People

Reuben D'Arcy Camilleri, son of Mr and Mrs Mario D'Arcy Camilleri of San Gwann recently graduated with first class honours in pure and applied Euro-shafting at the University of Palermo. Mr D'Arcy Camilleri is soon to take up a position in the commercial section at Malta House, Brussels... nuff said.

For your diary

The San Gwann wives club is holding an afternoon of tea, cakes and colonic irrigation, next Tuesday in the Community Centre, San Gwann. Food, drink and catheters will be provided... Bring your own buckets.

Discovering San Gwann: Next Thursday all members of the San Gwann heritage society are invited to take an extensive tour of the hidden beauties of their village. The tour leaves the church parvis at 4.30 p.m. and returns at 4.35 p.m.