'Non!' to Moulin Rouge in Malta

Not content with the learned magistrate's explanation that one cannot discriminate between the tanga on the beach and the tanga in the nightclub, the government stubbornly insists that the lap dancers and pole dancers must be rounded up once more and, ahem, tried again. They are now being sought in the basements, in the attics and under all our beds. Soon, a price will be placed on their heads and posters will be put up on our Inquisition walls offering a handsome sum to anyone catching a lap dancer dressed or undressed.

This follows Nicolas Sarkozy's declaration before his holiday in Malta that "he wanted to retire to an island-monastery for a few days" - no doubt fed up with the shameless dancing at the Moulin Rouge.

As in the case of polluting vehicles, a confidential mobile phone number will be available to the public on the lookout for dancers who are avoiding capture. If you see a blonde girl leaning against a pole, she is probably one of the pole dancers on the run unashamedly bent on turning all the morally-just men of Malta into agitated maniacs. Do not try to approach the perfidious woman as her bite may be fatal. Just very discreetly phone the pre-advised number on your cellular and soon she will be picked up.

Sooner or later all dancers will be caught and salsa dancers will be next - just as the mannequins in shop windows enjoying their exhibitionism while waiting to be dressed. And, please, stop circulating those SMSs and e-mails joking about the government and the pole and lap dancers. Taking the mickey out of fundamentalism will soon also become illegal - and entrenched in the Constitution.

A luxury of post mortems

Among former PN president Frank Portelli's revelations there is the one that there are enough post mortem rooms (paid for by our taxes) at Mater Dei Hospital for 6,000 post mortems per year. Now this figure being many times more than the number of deaths in Malta per year, all Maltese will be able to enjoy the luxury of several post mortems - even if their death is not suspicious - but just for snobism. This is real progress. Indeed, the Maltese are now not only living better but also dying better and several times - just for the pleasure of kicking the bucket (while lap dancing). "Hello, dear, when have you had your last post mortem?"

Best regards from EPP

Out of all the friends we have in Europe, the PN's mother group EPP shows us the best friendly behaviour. Alexander Radwan, the EPP's spokesman for the European Parliament's Committee on Economic and Monetary Affairs, attacked the Commission's approval for Malta to adopt the euro on January 1. With Conservative friends like these, who needs enemies?

Decreased swinging

I really don't understand the masochists who destroyed 3,000 trees. Now they have less facilities for swinging between trees, eating bananas on branches and scratching their ribs with twigs.

Mixed names

Following the controversy about the foreign names given to celebrations of Maltese culture - Notte this and Notte that - the Gozo Ministry decided to create a harmonious compromise and call its festivities Lejlet Lapsi - Notte Gozitana - a breathtaking mixture of Maltese and Italian. We are not impressed - and less amused.

Female judges in Europe

European countries have had female judges for a very long time - especially since fundamentalism locking up women in the kitchen is kept at bay. It has also been quite natural for European governments to propose female judges for the European Court of Human Rights. However, contrary to regulations, the Maltese government has not proposed female candidates for this post, thereby creating a controversy. The National Council of Women declares that "it is hard to believe that, among all female lawyers, judges and magistrates, there is not even one person who is suitable to be a candidate". I do not find this hard to believe at all. Feminism and conservatism have always been enemies.

A lid on a boiling pot

The latest PN general council, peppered with aggressive language and forced laughter, apparently hiding anger at uncontrolled confusion, did not include the usual elections for posts such as the party's president and 13 posts of responsibility on the executive committee. This is certainly not the best way of translating the party's belief in internal democracy - which must be seen as an example of practising national democracy. The party grass roots - who many times recently have been promised more say in party matters - have thus not been able to confirm present holders of party responsibilities, nor have they been allowed to chuck out those they did not want any more and replace them by better ones. To me, this is the best way of ignoring the grass roots and place a lid over the boiling party base disgruntled at the way things are being done within the party. No wonder PN MP John Dalli said in The Sunday Times (June 3): "The party faithful are seeing how the party is being reengineered and not liking it one bit".

Hondoq ir-Rummien

I believe the government must also make a mature u-turn in the case of Hondoq ir-Rummien. The place may not be clean enough but this is no justification to destroy it to please the usual developers. Do you destroy your house or bring concrete mixers into your garden when they only need to be cleaned? A needed clean-up is no excuse to create another ecological disaster. Above all, the vast majority of people living in the area - plus the vast majority of Gozitans and Maltese - want to leave Hondoq in its natural state. This is what democracy is all about. Putting one's clumsy claws on this area of beauty would simply mean arrogance, authoritarianism and voracious capitalism - besides another big chunk off PN votes in the next election.

In and out of hotels

Some hotels in Europe are rushing clients' departure time and postponing their arrival time. Often you are asked to check in not before three in the afternoon and to be out of your room before 10 in the morning. I guess that soon they will be asking clients to leave the hotel in their pyjamas (like Malta's lap dancers) or while still munching their breakfast and to check into the hotel at night, just in time to go to bed.

Political priests

In my last article I wondered aloud if the Church is allowing priests to participate actively in politics. Charles Buttigieg, the Archbishop's PRO, did not explain - unless I missed his answer - nor did the usual Church defenders sending sundry letters to the editor. If I remember correctly, a priest was once rebuked for praising the sterling work of an MEP. Are we using one rebuke and two measures? If one priest can be active in politics, then all the others have the right to do the same.

Dr Licari teaches psycholinguistics, sociolinguistics and geolinguistics at the Department of French of the University of Malta.