Relationships - To stay or to leave, that is the question
This is a time of illusions. Many people believe that the context within which we live doesn't influence our behaviour. One women was telling me how her decision to separate was her own and that it was based on years of ruminating and thinking about it.
This is a time of illusions. Many people believe that the context within which we live doesn't influence our behaviour. One women was telling me how her decision to separate was her own and that it was based on years of ruminating and thinking about it. She had been fed up with the marital situation for some time and that no one intruded in her decision to opt out.
It is only human to believe that we have choices and that we are responsible for our decisions. We want to believe that our thinking is independent from whatever is happening around us, or what happened in our lives in the past. Philosophers pondered on the question of choice and free will for ages and while some believe free choice is possible others think that what we call choices are destiny and predetermination.
Just think about it. If humans have a free will to choose wouldn't those who are suffering hunger choose to eat? Wouldn't those who are suffering choose to free themselves from the pain? On a milder scale, do you really believe that the detergent you choose from the supermarket shelf has nothing to do with where the detergent is tactfully placed by the expert marketing person? Or the choice of the shirt you bought has nothing to do with the adverts you have seen, your friends' choice of shirts, or your colleagues' taste?
Many find themselves in the awkward situation of realising that their choice wasn't their choice after all. A man who consulted with me was telling me about his realisation that the wife he had chosen to marry 20 years earlier wasn't his choice at all. He recalled how he pitied her because she threatened to kill herself when he had told her he changed his mind. He realised how his choice was contaminated by his parents telling him that he would lose money on the property he had jointly bought with her, and that he would never find another woman who loved him so much, and that he was going to destroy her.
Many similar stories emerge of gays and lesbians who "made" the choice to marry to save their and their families' face from "shame". Now the question is: Will a decision to separate be free from influences and outside forces? Definitely not! We have seen an increasing wave of separations, chained together by the very fact that other people were separating, giving a sort of cultural permission that it is possible. If something becomes socially acceptable and if many do it, it becomes more accessible and more possible for others to do it.
A decision to separate is often the result of many contributing factors of which one may or may not be aware. A woman was telling me how fed up she is of the home situation with her husband. She felt tired and overwhelmed and sick of it all. "I want to leave," she said strongly. During the same session she talked about having recently lost her parents, one after the other. Was her decision to separate free from this event? Had her parents died earlier would she still separate now or earlier? After a couple of sessions she realised how difficult it was for her to separate while her parents were alive. She felt they would have blamed her and that they would have worried too much.
Choices to separate are also fuelled by friends around us. Though hard, we have to admit that if we are not happy in our marital relationship and hang around with separated people we are more likely to be inclined towards separation. That's a big question research has to answer of course but, clinically, I encounter so many people who make the "decision" to separate and whose only close friends are separated. But again, there's still research to be done in this area. Another common circumstance indicating influence is when one sibling decides to separate. Often other unhappily married siblings find it easier to separate and follow suit.
What about children then. Don't children impinge on one's decision to stay or leave the marital union? Of course they do. Many mothers and fathers alike won't leave the marriage even though they are unhappy in it. The reasons they bring up include fear of losing the children, fear of damaging them in some way, fear of not seeing them enough, and so on. Mostly, I believe, it has to do with the guilt parents may experience in the doom of separation.
These influences are so strong that some prefer to stay in the marriage even though damage is being done to the children through fighting, quarrelling and silent wars that are as damaging as overt violence. At times this type of damage is worse than that caused by separation. There are also other influences that may push people to decide to stay rather than to leave a marriage, in spite of the damage being done to the children and to the partners themselves. Moralising on the matter might influence. Getting stuck on thinking styles that prohibit is as bad as getting stuck on thinking styles that promote separation. You know you are moralising when you become overwhelmed by the resulting guilt and feeling of being stuck. Moralising can become a hindrance to objectivity, or rather to seeing things clearly by weighing the pros and cons and taking decisions about improving the lives of those involved.
The extended family can be as much of a hindrance. With all their good intentions to keep the family together, many a time they don't realise the suffering everyone in the family is going through. Both the moralising and the extended family bank on guilt as the primary feeling to cast doubt on one's decision to leave. Yet guilt is a feeling that comes and goes and the moment it goes is the moment one goes back to the decision to leave. Riding the wave of that feeling is dangerous and bound to perpetuate unhappiness.
The biggest asset you have in such circumstances is time. Give yourself time to think and to sort out everything in your mind. Give yourself time on your own, without any interference from friends, families and so on. Evaluate the pros and cons of every possible decision. Consider your feelings first, and then the feelings of others. See how these feelings relate to your thinking. Acknowledge the opinions of others and consider evaluating them. No one can tell you what's the best choice, so take responsibility of yourself and your choices.
One last powerful important influence is if you are in another relationship. That is a very powerful influence of course. Going with feelings is a risk in such circumstances. How good that is depends on so many factors. Yet an affair can definitely appear better than the marriage. But is it really so? I've heard so much crap about pursuing one's love and one's passion. As you very well know, relationships are not simply made of passion. You wouldn't be standing in that position in the first place had it been so. Again take time to think and reflect taking into consideration the various aspects of your life and the life of those around you. Consulting a professional may help you evaluate all the possibilities. Professional help is good because it challenges one's thinking and feelings and helps the person explore all possibilities. Take care!
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
It is only human to believe that we have choices and that we are responsible for our decisions. We want to believe that our thinking is independent from whatever is happening around us, or what happened in our lives in the past. Philosophers pondered on the question of choice and free will for ages and while some believe free choice is possible others think that what we call choices are destiny and predetermination.
Just think about it. If humans have a free will to choose wouldn't those who are suffering hunger choose to eat? Wouldn't those who are suffering choose to free themselves from the pain? On a milder scale, do you really believe that the detergent you choose from the supermarket shelf has nothing to do with where the detergent is tactfully placed by the expert marketing person? Or the choice of the shirt you bought has nothing to do with the adverts you have seen, your friends' choice of shirts, or your colleagues' taste?
Many find themselves in the awkward situation of realising that their choice wasn't their choice after all. A man who consulted with me was telling me about his realisation that the wife he had chosen to marry 20 years earlier wasn't his choice at all. He recalled how he pitied her because she threatened to kill herself when he had told her he changed his mind. He realised how his choice was contaminated by his parents telling him that he would lose money on the property he had jointly bought with her, and that he would never find another woman who loved him so much, and that he was going to destroy her.
Many similar stories emerge of gays and lesbians who "made" the choice to marry to save their and their families' face from "shame". Now the question is: Will a decision to separate be free from influences and outside forces? Definitely not! We have seen an increasing wave of separations, chained together by the very fact that other people were separating, giving a sort of cultural permission that it is possible. If something becomes socially acceptable and if many do it, it becomes more accessible and more possible for others to do it.
A decision to separate is often the result of many contributing factors of which one may or may not be aware. A woman was telling me how fed up she is of the home situation with her husband. She felt tired and overwhelmed and sick of it all. "I want to leave," she said strongly. During the same session she talked about having recently lost her parents, one after the other. Was her decision to separate free from this event? Had her parents died earlier would she still separate now or earlier? After a couple of sessions she realised how difficult it was for her to separate while her parents were alive. She felt they would have blamed her and that they would have worried too much.
Choices to separate are also fuelled by friends around us. Though hard, we have to admit that if we are not happy in our marital relationship and hang around with separated people we are more likely to be inclined towards separation. That's a big question research has to answer of course but, clinically, I encounter so many people who make the "decision" to separate and whose only close friends are separated. But again, there's still research to be done in this area. Another common circumstance indicating influence is when one sibling decides to separate. Often other unhappily married siblings find it easier to separate and follow suit.
What about children then. Don't children impinge on one's decision to stay or leave the marital union? Of course they do. Many mothers and fathers alike won't leave the marriage even though they are unhappy in it. The reasons they bring up include fear of losing the children, fear of damaging them in some way, fear of not seeing them enough, and so on. Mostly, I believe, it has to do with the guilt parents may experience in the doom of separation.
These influences are so strong that some prefer to stay in the marriage even though damage is being done to the children through fighting, quarrelling and silent wars that are as damaging as overt violence. At times this type of damage is worse than that caused by separation. There are also other influences that may push people to decide to stay rather than to leave a marriage, in spite of the damage being done to the children and to the partners themselves. Moralising on the matter might influence. Getting stuck on thinking styles that prohibit is as bad as getting stuck on thinking styles that promote separation. You know you are moralising when you become overwhelmed by the resulting guilt and feeling of being stuck. Moralising can become a hindrance to objectivity, or rather to seeing things clearly by weighing the pros and cons and taking decisions about improving the lives of those involved.
The extended family can be as much of a hindrance. With all their good intentions to keep the family together, many a time they don't realise the suffering everyone in the family is going through. Both the moralising and the extended family bank on guilt as the primary feeling to cast doubt on one's decision to leave. Yet guilt is a feeling that comes and goes and the moment it goes is the moment one goes back to the decision to leave. Riding the wave of that feeling is dangerous and bound to perpetuate unhappiness.
The biggest asset you have in such circumstances is time. Give yourself time to think and to sort out everything in your mind. Give yourself time on your own, without any interference from friends, families and so on. Evaluate the pros and cons of every possible decision. Consider your feelings first, and then the feelings of others. See how these feelings relate to your thinking. Acknowledge the opinions of others and consider evaluating them. No one can tell you what's the best choice, so take responsibility of yourself and your choices.
One last powerful important influence is if you are in another relationship. That is a very powerful influence of course. Going with feelings is a risk in such circumstances. How good that is depends on so many factors. Yet an affair can definitely appear better than the marriage. But is it really so? I've heard so much crap about pursuing one's love and one's passion. As you very well know, relationships are not simply made of passion. You wouldn't be standing in that position in the first place had it been so. Again take time to think and reflect taking into consideration the various aspects of your life and the life of those around you. Consulting a professional may help you evaluate all the possibilities. Professional help is good because it challenges one's thinking and feelings and helps the person explore all possibilities. Take care!
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.